DP positivity thread, anyone?

[LastPostISwear]

Just wanted to excess my feelings somewhere! (I already tell DH constantly.)

I just love him so much. Today he came home and just chatted so much, and I was so happy to hear all about his day and his thoughts. (If I could crawl inside his mind and live there, or occupy the same physical space as him, I would; that would be perfect intimacy for me.) He is so smart and kind and thoughtful and handsome, and is always trying to be an even better partner to me (and he succeeds!) I feel incredibly lucky to be his wife.

What are some things you love about your DP?

Yep 36 years op. Adore him because he's: loyal, moral, faithful, dependable, reliable, interesting, cultured, knowledgeable and v v clever.

Having said that, thank goodness he's golfing on Sunday and at his mother's the following weekend because we both need a bit of space.

Your relationship sounds hugely dis functional and immature and not remotely stable or enviable. It’s not a healthy relationship

🙄

You really don’t want to answer how old are you both are do you Op?

Nor how you and your husband hook up with strangers?

Op, this is a rather peculiar post but I don’t know where to start with it, so will just scratch my head and leave it at that! 😂

I feel very lucky with my husband and I love him very much, more than I have ever loved anyone. When I look back at the guys I could have ended up with I shudder. Even when I consider the men my friends are with I thank my lucky stars for my husband, he's one in a million.

How sweet ☺️

OP, please seek out a therapist. Your posts are very disturbing and show a codependence that does not seem to be reciprocated by your DH. You have a constant need to rationalize your non-monogamy and waver between being reluctant to do it to then saying it was all your idea. These things are in conflict with each other as if you don't even know the truth yourself and it is very concerning.

You seem almost trauma bonded to him and I wonder if you have past issues with older males in general as you appear to need to seek constant approval from him. None of this is normal in a healthy relationship. Couples choose their own lifestyles but yours seems forced on you and you really seem to be trying so hard to justify it that you have brainwashed yourself.

We are both a little codependent, that’s true.

I was the one to first bring up the fact that I don’t need sexual monogamy from my partner. That doesn’t mean I necessarily want ONS with other men… And I only wanted it with Coworker because I didn’t feel desired at home.

No trauma with him to cause trauma bonding. I don’t think I seek his “constant” approval, but his happiness is very important to me, as mine is to him. Are there some things that happened to me in childhood that could have shifted my preference to older men? Probably. Nothing about my lifestyle has been forced on me, though.

You feel absolutely besotted but don’t mind him sticking his penis in other people and making them climax to orgasm, and that he happily does that with other ppl as well as/ instead of you? It sounds pretty intimate. It doesn’t bother you that he’d want to be the cause of someone reaching orgasm or want someone else to achieve his? That’s not just a physical thing surely, like getting a massage? How can you feel so obsessed with him but tolerate that? Unless you’re so obsessed you put his needs and happiness well above your own? That’s not healthy, OP. Sounds like he’s brainwashed you.

@Notsosure1

You feel absolutely besotted
Yes

but don’t mind him sticking his penis in other people and making them climax to orgasm,
Correct. Not mutually exclusive with being besotted

and that he happily does that with other ppl as well as/ instead of you?
Well, he doesn’t really do it “instead” of with me. He prefers me, but might have sex with someone else if I’m not available.

It sounds pretty intimate…That’s not just a physical thing surely, like getting a massage?
People’s ideas of intimacy vary greatly from individual to individual. For example, I could enjoy casual sex with a strange I feel nothing for, but I wouldn’t be comfortable kissing him/her, because kissing is intimate for me. Additionally, there is shagging, and there is making love, and there is sex that falls somewhere in between, and those vary in degrees of intimacy… If DH or I are having sex with someone else, we’re shagging, not having intimacy with them. Similarly, a massage can be very intimate, or it can be entirely clinical/professional!

It doesn’t bother you that he’d want to be the cause of someone reaching orgasm or want someone else to achieve his?
Nope. Happy to share his talents and for him to have sexual pleasure, even if I’m not the one giving it to him.

How can you feel so obsessed with him but tolerate that? Unless you’re so obsessed you put his needs and happiness well above your own?
IDK, I’ve never been bothered by the idea of my romantic partner having sex with someone else. I suspect God just forgot to give me that brainfold. I don’t neglect my own needs— if I wasn’t getting enough sex from DH, for instance, because he was spending all his time shagging other people, then I’d ask him to dial it back considerably—nor does the non-monogamy make me unhappy. I’m kind of glad I can offer him the option.

Sounds like he’s brainwashed you.
Nah. Dicknotized, maybe 😂

Just when I thought this Op couldn’t get weirder…. I just opened the other thread she started (about wanting to shag her colleague), and @LastPostISwear has only gone and posted a photo of the bloated body of her 53 year old husband as “evidence” of how attractive his body so.

WARNING: brace yourself, it ain’t pretty!

Thanks for the thoughtful response to my post, OP. I still think he’s getting the better deal in your relationship and that it is unequal - you value and think more of him than he does you, but if you’re happy with that, crack on I guess. He must feel extremely lucky to be getting what a lot of men would dream about - a loving relationship and a free pass to shag whoever takes his fancy (while his OH adheres to his strict rules - can’t have much to complain about, but no wonder he’s complacent regarding your feelings.)

What do you think his reaction would be if you said you’d like to impose the same restrictions on him? Would he argue that you don’t care about that stuff so therefore he should be able to do what he wants, or maybe agree but actually carry on the way he is? Is part of the reason you tolerate it because you fear he may leave you bc you are not enough for him sexually, or do it anyway, and you’d prefer it to be open?

If this type of relationship works for both of you and doesn’t negatively affect your daughter then it’s no one else’s business. I guess ppl can’t get their heads around you loving him so much but not caring that he’s physically non-exclusive and it’s unequal - but as I said, it’s no one else’s business.

@Notsosure1 and don’t forget that the op is 28 and her dh is 53

They been together since she was 18 and he was 43

it is a all a bit concerning

I missed their ages, 😬

Yes that’s quite an age gap for a young adult - massive power imbalance which seems to have set the tone for the relationship. To an outsider it would appear that OP was targeted and then perhaps ‘conditioned’ to agree to and accept this setup which may or may not have been what she would have wanted/agreed to otherwise. I guess she’ll never know.

@Notsosure1 on her other thread (the one about wanting to f* her colleague) she posted a shot of her husband’s body last night… as evidence of how hot he is.

I can tell you… it put me off my coffee so just a heads up to brace yourself

What on earth have I just read 😂

OP, you OK hun?

🫣 Thanks!

This one isn’t sadly

If I didn’t feel comfortable with anything he was doing and “imposed additional restrictions” (sounds a bit militant, doesn’t it?) I’m sure he would respect that and operate within them. I think that he would be a little sad if I suddenly didn’t want to cross off some of the things on our “sexual bucket list,” but he wouldn’t be terribly unsatisfied with a sexually monogamous relationship.

I don’t have very much anxiety about him leaving at all— certainly not any more than people normal couple. He was in a dead bedroom situation with his nasty ex wife for decades before he left her. Some of his reluctance to initiate comes from her rejecting him in a derogatory manner all those years. He’s come a long way with it… but I digress.

This is why I was avoiding answering questions about our age. Nobody sees young adults as adults capable of knowing what they like, who they want to have relationships with, and how they want to be treated.

Age gaps do not inherently mean power imbalances. There are no relationships where the partners are equally experienced, financially established, intelligent, what have you, and they still give each other equal power. There are couples where one is much better off financially, and the other is manipulative, controlling, and/or financially abusive to them. There are couples where the younger partner mistreats the older partner. It’s very much a matter of choice rather than circumstance whether one treats their partner fairly or not.

I was neither targeted nor conditioned. DH and I were strangers in a bookstore and he spontaneously asked me out. He’d never even thought about dating someone significantly younger before, whereas I had pretty extensive experience with dating much older men. And again, I have never needed sexual monogamy from any of my romantic partners, and I was the one who brought that up to DH in the first place, without any prompting.

People are so quick to jump to the worst assumptions

Rude

I’m great. How are you?