To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Edited: My apologies, I misread this post.

Omg you are still thinking of him as a great dad? You think hear the shouting, feeling the tension and witnessing the violence in his home will have no affect on your toddlers development? You really think living with that man won't turn your child into a different person that the one he d be if he didn't live with him?
It's hard to walk away, no one is thinking otherwise but put your child first

Oh ffs! If my partner grabbed me by my ankle and tried to pull me off the bed after forcefully grabbing our child of me, I would try anything to make him let go of me. It’s scary and I’d see it as self defence.

You hit him first and he hit you after and you’re playing victim, like you have anger issues and admitted that you scratched him out of anger. But he retaliated and you play victim.

this is not abuse, you’re not being abused. You are both toxic aggressive violent people who shouldn’t be together. You bringing up and raising a child around this is irresponsible and I’m sad for the child.

What a odd post.

Your dh is abusive, physically assaulted you infront of your toddler? And you think he’s a great dad? I feel for your child. Wake up and leave to protect your child.

No, he's not a "great dad" and, as long as you pretend he is, the more your son will be damaged by this shitshow.

Don't allow this to be his 'normal'. If you pick your abusive DH over your childs wellbeing, is there anyone else he can stay with so he's away from this environment?

Oh ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

@beesandstrawberries read the OP's posts properly, she was attacked first. Yes, she is being abused. You are victim blaming.

Of course the main concern is the child though, I agree with you there. The OP needs to take the situation seriously, at present she doesn't seem to be. I know it will be very hard for her to face up to. She needs support.

You can’t see it, but you’re both abusing your child. This will only ever get worse. It’s your choice if you’re ok with that or not.

It started when he pulled the child off her and then tried to drag her off the bed by her ankle.

I don't know whether you can't read or are just intentionally misrepresenting what happened but either way, you've nothing to contribute to a thread on domestic violence when you can't or won't see what's in front of you.

That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler

It sounds like a horrible relationship, and no he isn't a good Dad. Sorry OP, but he isn't. No good Dad would treat his partner like that full stop, let alone when the child can see and hear what is happening.

How you behave makes a huge impact on your children & they should not be around toxic behaviour. You need to find the strength to move forward on your own for the sake of your children. I hope you get the support you need.

The OP does not read like she "lunged at" her husband her husband in self defence, but because he "wound [her] up".

I am pig sick of abusive men being described as "great dads".

No.

Just no.

A great dad does not punch his partner. Especially not when she has his child in her arms.

No part of an abusive man is a great anything.

That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler.

Can you just re-read this a few times OP.

In what world do you think you can place boundaries into an abusive relationship?

If he had the basic human standards to do that in the first place, you wouldn't even be having the arguments.

You'd have adult discussions.

Do you know that arguments which even have shouting isn't normal or healthy with kids? Just think about that. Perhaps you'd never thought about that because your mates are also in sitty relationships woth shitty men and therefore think a night in the cells is you getting your justice.

Me and DH have disagreed loads, but we talk, we give and take space, we stop talking if we are getting frustrated.

Rarely do either of us need to win because what we disagree about rarely has a clear answer e.g. choosing between red or blue paint so we decide to look at a different colour.

I don't know what you were fighting about but I'd bet it had an obvious answer and he didn't like it e.g. he came home later than agreed, drinking after saying he wouldn't etc. and in his eyes you challenged his authority as a man.

He had pulled the child off her and was yanking her off the bed.

She's doing standard abuse minimisation here (great dad, none of this harms the child).
It seems pretty obvious that initially she covered this up with "he was winding me up" for the same reason she's minimising all of his abuse.

You clearly have not experienced abuse and I get it its hard to understand unless you have truly experienced it yourself. Reacting to an abuser is domestic abuse. She is a victim and comments like this on mumsnet of all places are not fair.

I’m sorry OP, but there’s no way you can sugar coat this to make any of it sound ok. Any sort of physicality in a row with your partner is unacceptable, you should never lay hands on someone and what sort of message are you sending to your child here?? Please re-read your posts back, none of this is ok.

In her reply she says the wound up was him trying to pull her off the bed by her ankles.

Any kind of violence is obvi wrong and their relationship doesn’t sound great, and she should ltb.

but I think it is important to look at context.

He's not a good dad, and you're not a good mother. I was the child in this situation and it took a long time to hold down a relationship myself as an adult (and a lot of therapy) as I didn't know what a good relationship looked like. I'm lucky that's the extent of the damage, some of my siblings have really struggled with self worth. You are both causing untold damage already. And if you leave him, don't repeat the same over and over with your boyfriends, as it's even worse having a never ending stream of domestic violence passing through your childhood.

She said that he got physical first. She lashed out at him after he grabbed the baby off her and tried to drag her off the bed by her ankle.

Whoever started it, it's clearly an abusive and violent situation and not one that a child should be raised in.

Remorse? It might make you feel better for a few hours, but what happens next time? Trust me, there will be a next time. Run far, run fast.

Not "men" your "man".

I cannot imagine the heartbreak and "grovelling" my partner would do if he ever raised his hand to me. I actually can say with certainty there is nothing I could do to make him hit me. Well besides going nuts and trying to hurt our children. Even then, he wouldn't actually hit me, I could never make him so angry that he would swing for me. He'd probably hold me so tight I passed out if I was trying to kill our kids if I'd gone insane.

Anyway. No it's not normal for a man to hit a woman. Or for a man to feel no remorse for hitting a woman. Any woman. But particularly his breastfeeding wife.

Please leave. Look at what your kids are growing up in. A baby is breastfeeding while their dad hits their mum.

She said she lunged at him after he wound her up. She later said he had angered her by pulling her off the bed by her ankle. It's not 100% clear if her lunging at him was a direct response to his abusive actions, or just happened after it.

Either way, the relationship sounds very very dysfunctional and I hope OP will work with social services to leave him and keep their child safe from witnessing anything more.

Of course YANBU to feel he should show remorse for his violence to you in front of his DC. No one should be assaulted by another adult. No toddler should have to witness their father being violent to their mother. Or vice versa.

Whether he shows remorse or not, do you think you can trust him not to do it again? Has he done it before? Is there a pattern of behaviour?

Great dad, my arse.