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Original poster

To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

369 replies

WhyDidHehavetodothat · 27/05/2025 08:30

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

OP posts:
AngelaBB · 27/05/2025 11:51

He is not a great dad, I expect he adored you at one time. You must get away.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/05/2025 11:51

WhyDidHehavetodothat · 27/05/2025 09:03

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

You think a "great dad" is one who drags a child off their mother so he can punch her?

Please, please think about what just happened and how you would feel if this was behaviour your child grew up thinking was normal and acceptable, either to do to someone or have done to them.

Also consider whether the police would have ordered no contact if they didn't think there was a risk to you and your child.

Please do the right thing for your child. An apology for manhandling your child to be able to punch you is not enough to protect them from either physical abuse or learning that this is acceptable.

EllasNonny · 27/05/2025 11:53

"No he'd never do anything to our son."
Do you not realise he did?
Your response to him getting physical was questionable too as you were also physically aggressive. You had a young DC in your arms.
Leave and stay gone. There's nothing to work out beyond the safety of your DC.

zenas · 27/05/2025 11:54

He can sound as remorseful as you want, he won't mean it.

I think you will stay and hope for an improvement in his behaviour. It won't happen and he will kill you eventually.

How will your child feel if he either sees his mum being beaten alive, or killed. Over to you. You can get help and advice/assistance to leave - if you want to.

Richiewoo · 27/05/2025 11:55

Your child saw their father hit you. Please dont get back with him. You and your child are in danger.

Theworldisinyourhands · 27/05/2025 11:55

In the same way 'any man who must say I am the king is no true king' (to quote Game of Thrones) no man who must say he's a great dad is truely a great dad.

He may have good qualities but you are both significantly and permanently damaging your child by staying in this relationship OP. Even if you don't care about your own safety and wellbeing you need to separate for your child's sake. I'm not often so black and white about things but there is no other alternative in this case.

ThatCyanCat · 27/05/2025 11:56

I could honestly weep for what so many women think makes a "great dad". The thing is, I don't think that deep down they do believe it... it's just an excuse not to have to leave and they can imagine that it's the moral, selfless, child-centred thing to do. I know they're victims too and it's really hard but my God, I was raised by an abusive, violent arsehole and my mother still insists it was the selfless, wonderful, motherly thing to do. If you won't take any responsibility for what happens as a result of that, on yourself or the shitty man you claimed was father of the year, then eventually you have to blame the kids themselves.

Catsandcannedbeans · 27/05/2025 11:57

I don’t think strangers on MN will get through to you as you’re already being defensive of this absolute twat, but you have told your friends. Hopefully one of your friends will tell you he’s not a great dad and that by staying with him you’re putting your child in danger and maybe that will get through to you.

Having divorced / separated parents won’t traumatise a child like growing up around domestic abuse will. By staying with this man you are setting your child up for failure and massively increasing the risk they will be in a domestic abuse relationship.

Whyjustwhy83 · 27/05/2025 11:59

I said yabu you need to leave, he hit you and your child was there too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2025 12:03

Dear OP.

He is not a great dad. Not by any definition. From your update...

As you were about to feed your child He " grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed."

and that is when you scratched him trying to defend yourself and he punched you in the face whilst your poor little boy looked on in fear.

He is not a great dad. He does NOT adore your son.

Being grabbed as you were about to feed him is a violent attack on your little son too.

  • Having to watch his father drag and punch his mother is also a violent attack on your son..
  • I'm sure he had to listen to a lot of violent shouting from this man and screaming from you...
  • what a horror story for your poor child to witness.

This means... he doesn't care about violently grabbing your little toddler and setting him aside to get to you. I am quite sure this wasn't done with any attempt at being gentle. Being angrily grabbed by an angry violent man would be frightening and painful for a little one.. and then and then having to watch you being attacked.

The chances of him going on to hurt both your son and you are extremely high.

He has brainwashed you into thinking he's a good dad. He is a cruel and dangerous aggressor and deserves every punishment the police want to throw at him.

Stop worrying about whether this violent pig feels remorse or not. It doesn't matter what he feels.
I can tell you are scared and in shock yourself and your son will also be terrified and shocked, but Please look at what everyone is telling you and get help, and/or accept help for your sake, but even more for your poor son's sake.

Crackanut · 27/05/2025 12:03

moose62 · 27/05/2025 09:12

I think you both need anger management counselling. He was worse but you didn't cover yourself in glory either. He should not have punched you but you say he took the toddler from you...is that when you lashed out and scratched him. If you you are almost as bad as him. It is the child I feel sorry for.

He should not have punched you but There is no fucking but. What is wrong with you ffs.

Coolasfeck · 27/05/2025 12:04

I clocked that OP had zero intention of leaving from the thread title alone. She used ‘men’ in her title as a way of minimising what her specific DH did and to try and delude herself that most women are in relationships with men like this. It’s self deception.

I hope you wake up soon OP but my fear is you’re already TTC baby 2. Your poor son.

Upinthetreetops · 27/05/2025 12:08

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family

How can you see yourself remaining as a family if he is remorseful?
You're in a domestic violence situation and you need to make plans to leave in order to keep yourself and your child safe. You're being physically abused by your partner, these situations only go one way, and I'm sorry to tell you but remorse and changing their ways isn't it.

Imisscoffee2021 · 27/05/2025 12:11

WhyDidHehavetodothat · 27/05/2025 09:03

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

He's not a good dad. He cant lay hands on the toddler to take him off his mum to then be able to freely manhandle her and be a good dad. I'm sure he has good nurturing moments but he ceases to earn the title of good dad when he behaves that way.

A child of any age being round that is potentially damaging and if not then at the least he is showing your child some awful behaviour.

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2025 12:11

ARichtGoodDram · 27/05/2025 08:51

You lunged at him and scratched him while BF'ing and he punched you while you were BF'ing

You're now in a situation where you both got physical with your child in the middle.

Your relationship must end before your child is injured.

This.

2 people who can have a physical argument whilst their child is present - let alone being held - should not be together.

Your poor child.

It’s not clear from your OP who was physical first - but I wouldn’t be staying with someone who was physical with me or who I got so angered by I was physical with them.

Lifes too short.

Ariel896 · 27/05/2025 12:12

WhyDidHehavetodothat · 27/05/2025 09:03

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

Wow what have I just read?!
you’d rather stay with an abusive shit bag then be alone with a toddler. The bar is so low for some women it’s terrifying. No wonder men like Andrew rate thrive

Multiplegum · 27/05/2025 12:17

It’s always the poor children in these shitty families that I pity most

GCAcademic · 27/05/2025 12:20

TesChique · 27/05/2025 09:17

Agreed

My mum and dad had a volatile relationship.

I lost count of the number of times I thought I'd wake up to find one actually killed from the other. In fact I actually made my peace with it in my teens.

They both woke up in jail cells over the years

They're still together, and very mellowed now. (And completely uninterested in hearing that their relationship was not healthy or the impact it has on me.)

But I definitely have trauma.

I have no interest in a relationship, ever.

Conflict puts me in a child state.

I feel its my duty to manage the emotions of everyonr around me.

Don't inflict that on your child

Edited
Show quote history

This was my upbringing too, down to a tee.

I have CPTSD which still affects me in my 50s.

My parents are also still together, and have rewritten history. One of them was more violent and volatile, but the other was their enabler and also abusive at times. I blame both equally.

I shudder for the OP's poor son, because I know from experience how this pans out for children in households like this.

Purplebunnie · 27/05/2025 12:20

He not only hit you he tried to pull you off the bed! What if he had succeeded and you'd banged your head on the bed as you fell off?

And he's not a good father if he mistreats his child's mother, good fathers treat the mother of their children with respect

Sugargliderwombat · 27/05/2025 12:25

WhyDidHehavetodothat · 27/05/2025 09:03

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him. He is actually a great dad and I would never want to separate a child from his dad.

I see some people have misunderstood post. No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed. That angered me as I always said we need restrict our arguments around our toddler. The punches came when toddler was stood in the room.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

He did do something to your son. He got violent towards his mum. That has concequences for him. He will become stressed, anxious and angry.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/05/2025 12:31

No, I was about to try feeding him bottle / breast whatever he took but partner grabbed baby off me and pulled at my ankle trying to pull me off bed.

That is not a good dad. Can't you see that? What was your own father like, that your standards are so low?

Read your opening post again and think about how others would view this. He's done all this and now wants you to apologise?

bombastix · 27/05/2025 12:32

GCAcademic · 27/05/2025 12:20

This was my upbringing too, down to a tee.

I have CPTSD which still affects me in my 50s.

My parents are also still together, and have rewritten history. One of them was more violent and volatile, but the other was their enabler and also abusive at times. I blame both equally.

I shudder for the OP's poor son, because I know from experience how this pans out for children in households like this.

Edited
Show quote history

This is the pattern. One violent partner, one lesser, slightly less abusive enabler. The children have zero choice in any of it.

Rewis · 27/05/2025 12:41

I'm kinda worried that you've phraised this to be about men in general. As if this was a normal situation and just what men do.

Fafalle · 27/05/2025 12:44

I am sorry OP but you need to end your relationship, in order to protect your child. Like pps said, he is NOT a 'great dad', not at all. He's not even a halfway decent human being. Expect Social Services to contact you imminently, I expect the police will have alerted them already. And when they do, please listen to them and comply with what they say, or you could be in danger of losing your child.

I am not being cruel, just trying to get you to wake up about the situation and take it seriously.

I know neither of you would physically hurt your child, but do you realise what the mental effects of witnessing domestic abuse for years can do to a child?

I don't want to out myself but I have seen it in my own family, with a sibling, their partner and the kids. As we didn't live close by the wider family didn't realise what had really occurred until years later. The mental effects on my poor DNs continue, even though they are now adults. Panic attacks, low self esteem, etc. One has DCs of their own and has had dysfunction in their adult relationships as well. And so it goes on...

Of course I feel very guilty now, but as I say I didn't live close and they kept it well hidden, so I didn't know. I now do all I can to help my DNs.

Your partner sounds even worse actually, as he is not even pretending to be sorry.

Feelingleftoutagain · 27/05/2025 12:49

This is a poisonous relationship on both sides, it seems as though you argue a lot, which is not good, you say its not around your son but he will pick up on this and do you want him growing up thinking this is normal? Take the time to reevaluate your situation and really think if this is what you want with your life, if he hasn't said sorry then that shows you what type of man he is, he won't change, I noticed you said he's a good dad, well to my way of thinking a dad is a role model and if he is hitting women, he is not a good role model