To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Did you miss the part where he grabbed the baby as she was about to feed him and yanked her ankle. Of course she is going to defend herself instinctively - a grown man should NEVER punch a woman - restrain maybe - but not punch her - especially not with a tiny child present.

I hope you do not have children or a wife. You are CONDONING domestic violence on here of all places. Please stop immediately.

A great Dad does not grab the mother of his child’s ankle to drag her off the bed or punch her.
You should be making sure he doesn’t have unsupervised access, not saying you wouldn’t come between him and his child.
Ive worked with children where they have witnessed domestic violence in the home, it’s traumatic and has lasting and far reaching consequences.
You need to protect yourself and your child and stop worrying about how much remorse your assailant is showing….

He's not a great dad. He punched you while your toddler stood there in the room and watched. He grabbed the toddler from you while you were getting ready to feed them - how do you think this felt for your child? Bewildering. Frightening. Stressful.

He is not a great dad. And while you persist in making excuses and falling to take steps to protect your child, you're not a great mum either.

You can fix this. You have that power. You just need to put your child first.

ANYONE who got to the stage of assaulting their partner or anyone else should be remorseful, not just men.

Please do not reconcile with DH - this is clear domestic violence which is why there is a police order.

It doesn't matter whether he would hurt your son directly, he's hurting him by hurting you.

Your little one is completely helpless in this situation. You're the only one who can protect him from an incredibly damaging childhood. He shouldn't have to grow up amongst violence, anger and fear. He should never have to see or hear either of his parents being violent. Regardless of whether they are remorseful afterwards.

I appreciate it's hard to leave an abusive relationship but don't use your son as an excuse to stay. It doesn't benefit him.

There are services out there that can help you leave, and your child is worth doing so, no matter how difficult it may be.

I’ve said YABU.
YABU to raise a child in such a volatile and violent environment. This isn’t going to end well.
YABU to expect a violent bastard to change. He never will. One day (hopefully soon) you’ll realise that a healthy relationship doesn’t involve hitting each other.

Calling the police was the correct move, to flag for social work involvement.

They need to assess in order to keep your child safe from two parents who use physical violence against each other.

Remorse is irrelevant. It would be fake anyway.

He is an abuser.

I don't understand why you are even asking this question and it makes me wonder if you have a history of abuse either in childhood or past relationships. Your friends sound useless as well.

Any violence in a relationship is a deal breaker, especially if you have a child.

This is not a healthy environment and whether he would punch your toddler is also irrelevant. Your child should not have to be in a home where these things happen. He will either turn into an abuser himself or be damaged by it for life.

If you can't leave for yourself, do it for your child.

My Ex always made me feel responsible for him hitting me, then I would have to apologise for me reacting in self defense. Believe me it only gets worse. Towards the end of the relationship I was hitting first, after being called a fucking cunt I was at the end of my tether. I couldn't make any sound in the morning. he hit me for making too much sound with morning sickness then forced me to be intimate the day my dad died. He would check my pads if I said I couldn't do something as I was on my period.
Yet I still couldn't see it as abuse, I thought it as me!
i left though and rebuilt my life. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Took me 4 years to see the light but I got there eventually.
Abuse does crazy things to your mind so I absolutely understand how you thinking. Sending love 🥰

No he'd never do anything to our son, he absolutely adores him.

im sure at one point you thought he adored you too. If he’s hit you once he will hit again.

OP i'm not aware of a anyonewho physically abuses their partner mending their ways and never doing it again. Maybe someone else has happy anecdotes but I have only seen escalation, to the point of firearms offences. This man is not a good dad at all, think of your children if not yourself.

This man is not a great dad OP, he is a dad who makes his small child watch his mother suddenly being punched, while she was trying to feed him, in the family home. That incident may stay with your child for the rest of his life, even without being repeated, and it will be repeated for sure if you don't get away from this abusive man. Get help from the police and domestic violence charities, now.

Recourse only comes through guilt and shame and your partner feels neither. He has centred his make as the victim which makes him a dangerous man indeed.

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family
There’s no way you should remain as a family unit. Both be there to parent your child but separately. This relationship is over.

The only "remorse" these guys ever show is "sorry you made me do that" and "sorry my life is so uniquely tragic and difficult that I can't possibly be expected not to be abusive".

This man is dangerous to you. Your post is very worrying as it’s clear he is red behind the eyes with rage that you called the police. He will not forget it and he will definitely punish you for that if you stay.

If you have to call the police to protect yourself from your husband the relationship is over. If you stay, what happens next is much, much worse.

Well, if laughing and stuffing one's face minutes after your loved one died is OK with you (ruling out laughing as a uncontrolled psychotic reaction to be medicated), then all I can say is 'let us continue to normalise the abnormal' let us continue with the idiotic 'what is normal?' and see what happens to us next.

Apart from the obvious stuff about the damage this is doing to your child, you will never get a man like that to say what you want him to say. His brain just doesn't work that way. If he shows remorse then he hasn't 'won'.

The narcissist has to be right and they will construct an armour around themselves to prevent anyone reaching the part of their mind that feels shame. If you try to get through their armour all hell breaks loose. He's never going to show remorse and if he does, he's faking.

You need to keep your child safe and leave this man.
I do hope SS get involved as your thinking of what is acceptable is way off.
He grabbed your child off you and then attacked you in front of him and you also attacked him. You’ve already subjected your poor child to that level now of violence.

If he's such a good dad, why is he hitting his kids mum?
He wouldn't hurt his kid..... But the mother of kid is fine to punch?
Going through all procedures after being taken into police custody from hitting mother of his kid is just consequences of his actions, it's not voluntary.
I'm sorry your relationship has come to an end, whether you stay together after this is just prolonging the end of your relationship. Please seek therapy regarding self esteem, and realise the punching is just the start. If you take him back you have a lot of backtracking and minimising to ensure he feels better about himself, it will probably be best if you agree it was your fault and he was helpless in his actions. Oooh that's going to eat away at you for the rest of time you spend together. He will hit you again, and in time you won't report it cause... It's your fault.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat - he is NOT a great dad. A great dad would not assault his partner while she was holding/feeding their child!

Do you want your child to grow up thinking that domestic abuse/violence against women is acceptable? Teaching a boy that it's OK to hit women, or teaching a girl that women must accept being hit and stay in the relationship as long as the man says sorry, are equally bad lessons.

It never gets better. I know you want to hear that if hes sorry you can rebuild. You probably can until the next time and you can probably rebuild again… and again and again. Until you can’t. Until you are completely stuck under his power with no recourse to leave. Be realistic and be strong. Go now.

Who started the physical assaults is irrelevant. You both were violent towards each other. Your toddler had to not only witness an argument but also violence between you both. How many arguments are you going to allow your child to witness? How much violence are you going to subject them to witnessing? The answer should be zero. Your child is growing up in a household where domestic abuse happens. Your child must have been terrified. The police involvement, should have triggered social services to now intervene. You will need to fully cooperate with them, when they do contact you. Your priority should be your child's safety and well-being, not concerning yourself if your partner is remorseful or not. It's irrelevant if he is or isn't. Your 'family unit' ended when violence occurred. I'm sure there was a point when you thought your partner would never physically hurt you, so saying he 'loves your child and would never hurt them' are meaningless words.

Hi OP,.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ