DH won’t let me rehome cat

[ThisCleverAmberEagle]

To begin with I’d just like to say I never thought I’d be someone to say that I wanted to rehome a pet just because having them didn’t suit my lifestyle anymore and would probably have looked down upon anybody saying that. However, since having a baby 4 months ago I’m really struggling with my cat. He’s an indoor cat and very clingy, as in wants to sit on my lap permanently and have constant attention lavished upon him. I found this quite a lot pre-baby but since it’s become just really overwhelming. I cannot get up in the night to heat a bottle because the cat runs out and runs circles around my feet meowing loudly and insistently for his food. I cannot just sit and hold my baby without the cat also trying to sit on my lap. Also, the amount of hair everywhere is really getting to me, I’m finding hairs/cat fur on my baby’s bottle and dummy and just across all surfaces at all times despite vacuuming and using a lint roller constantly, there’s so much fur in her pram too. Having to clean up the litter tray and food too really feels like more than I can bear. I know it’s not the cats ‘fault’. I just feel increasingly that I want to get him rehomed, mainly for my benefit but also I’m sure he would be more happy somewhere where someone actually doesn’t see him as a burden and would be happy with him cuddling up to them. Whenever I bring this up with DH he says no absolutely not and that the cat is part of the family, however as I’m the one who is at home all the time having a cat really affects me more. I’m starting to feel resentful as it’s really impacting me at the moment and I don’t understand why he won’t let me rehome the cat for my own sanity. Am I supposed to just suck it up and keep the cat for DH’s sake?

I think people are being really harsh on you OP! I am a cat owner and adore my cats but one of them I really struggled with when I became a mum for the first time as she’s very clingy and always wants to be on my lap similar to yours.

I just want to reassure you that for me it got better and I adjusted to having a newborn and the cats after a few months. You’re not a bad person you’re just an overwhelmed new mum.

We rehomed a cat when my DD was a baby - she went to someone at my DH's work at the time who lived in the countryside so I think she would've been very happy with that arrangement as she was very high maintenance and we could not give her the time/attention she needed. We are big cat lovers and I have had cats on and off since the age of 11 and it was the only time I rehomed.

We always 'get' cats from shelters or from people who are rehoming for various reasons. Sometimes it just doesn't work and it is kinder to rehome, but I wouldn't give back to a shelter, I'd always rehome directly so you know the cat is going to a nice owner. We've had our current cat for 12 years and no intention of rehoming, we are dreading her not being around as she does have a long-term health issue now.

Ridiculous to say if someone rehomes a pet they should never get a pet again. If they mistreat or abuse their pet, then yes of course not, but if circunstances mean it is difficult for the pet to be looked after then rehoming is not cruel imho, as long as you find a good next owner.

Its a big adjustment for everyone, cat included. Your DH should step up caring for the cat and I would recommend letting it go outside, even if just in the garden (if you have one) on a lead initially (we did this with our previously indoor cat, attached the lead to the washing line so he had the full perimeter to explore but didnt wander off). Once he was used to this we got him a collar with an airtag so we could keep an eye on him and he is now happy coming and going and has some peace from baby and preschooler. Before that he was very stressed with the arrival of our second and was weeing and pooing inside. I was gutted and thought I had broken the poor lad but with some changes we now have a good routine and everyone is much more settled. I should add I am devoted to this cat and never contemplated giving him up but it was a very stressful time and I was at my wits end with how to help him.

I don’t think you are horrible for wanting to rehome the cat. My mental health took a massive downturn after I got pregnant with my first child. I resented our cat after I found her in my sons’ cot. It changed how I felt about her. I can’t explain how bad I felt. She spent a lot of time outside until we rehomed her. In hindsight, we should have rehomed her as soon as those thoughts manifested, but I was worried about what people would say. Sometimes the right thing to do is rehome. Please speak to your husband about how you are feeling. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help.

Don’t put ‘kindly’ at the start of a post when you’re going to suggest someone puts their child up for adoption! This is so unnecessarily cruel @RosesAndHellebores what’s going on in your life that you felt the need to say that to a new Mum who is struggling?

Your husband needs to step up and overall participate more in the household.
You need to step up too! Don’t be one of those mums who give up on everything else just because you had a baby. You made a commitment to the cat. It sounds quite ridiculous to not be able to cope with a cat which doesn’t even have special needs, between the two of you

@faerietales

Advocating for - and prioritising - the mental health of a mother of a young baby can never be bad advice.
are you saying the cat is anywhere near as important as OP and her baby? Because it’s not.

So you regularly adopt cats, and give them away when they don't fit your lifestyle, before moving on to find another that does? And can't understand how inappropriate that is? You're treating these animals like accessories.

I also question your justification for never giving a cat back to a shelter once you've decided it's not for you. More likely it's because they probably won't allow you to adopt from again if they knew you weren't keeping the cats on that they've entrusted you with.

The cat is not part of the family. It's just a pet. Children should always be prioritised over animals. As should adults who just don't want the cat anymore, for whatever reason. I like animals. But I don't love them, which is why I would never have one in the first place.
Don't feel bad. Don't keep the cat. If your husband really wants to keep it, he needs to take on all responsibility. I don't think people who sell horses or puppies/ kittens get as much grief as people who want to part with older animals. I personally don't understand it.

Don't worry about the cat hair, it is actually going to improve the immune health of your child. Babies that grow up in homes with pets are at significantly lower risk of developing life threatening asthma and other allergies.

*weeing and pooing outside the litter tray I meant to say

Let the cat go and live it’s best life outside and s/he can come home at dinner - poor thing stuck in the house with you all day

Let the cat go out, problem of litter tray and tension seeking solved.

Keep the cat. Children that grow up with pets from babies have fewer allergies and better immunity and mental health. It’s from exposure to the gut bacteria that animals have.

Who mad the cat an indoor cat ? Did you treat it as your baby before you decided to have a real baby ? You seem to want to through the old toy out now you have a new one. What will you do if you have another baby and your toddler wants to sit on your lap but you just want to cuddle the newborn ? Maybe it is best the cat is rehomed away from you.

@lunar1

why? Are you saying Op isn’t a good mother?
because that would be extremely out of order if that’s what you are insinuating.

Ignore @lunar1 OP. Have as many kids as you want. You sound like a lovely mum.

I'm afraid I see an irresponsible pet owner rather than a vulnerable new mother.

Not netting the pram, grooming the cat, keeping baby bottles clean, not considering a catio, are irresponsible in my opinion.

Rehoming a pet because the baby has chronic asthma, for example, is not irresponsible. Sadly we had to do that and had had a quote for a heated cat run/catio when our vet called to let us know that an elderly lady had had to have her 8 year old cat put to sleep due to cancer and would be happy to take on our ten-year old girl.

Children should always be prioritised over animals

Agreed.

It's just a pet

True, but that doesn't mean his/her needs can be neglected.

The cat is not part of the family.

Definitely not true - and if you support this view, you should not get a pet.

I have lots if sympathy for people with mental health problems and I hope you get the help you need soon @mintandpistachio. I know Muslims and Jews who are still friends despite the Middle East horrors and you appear to have ditched your "best friend" for getting rid of a cat. Wildly disproportionate. I am not trying to insult you. But this is not normal behaviour.

Well, lots of people do believe that re-homing animals is mistreating them - many of us on here have re-homed cats who have been given up and have seen first-hand how traumatised they can be because of it.

Well thats what you choose to see isn't it. Not everyone would have a suitable property for a cat cage in their garden nor the money. The hair gets everywhere, it isn't about her not keeping things clean. I properly vacuum regularly, groom our dog, and have a little robot vacuum cleaner that does a clean every night. I still find his hair everywhere.

I really struggled at first with my dog when I had a newborn. The hairs are a nightmare especially at a time when you want to keep everything as clean as possible. The thing is I adore her and could never imagine rehoming her. She's part of the family and always will be. She got jealous and still does I just try to still give her as much attention and cuddles as I can still. She's very protective of my son as well and adores him. It's not fair on the animal you chose to bring into your home.

You clearly aren’t a pet person - and that is absolutely fine.

you have done the right thing by not getting a pet. So many people cave to children or partners or an impulse and get a pet then discover it’s hard work and inconvenient.

However this couple got a pet. Of course their child comes first, but they also have a responsibility to the pet they have.

Your comments, as someone who chose not to have a pet, aren’t hugely helpful.

But the OP and her baby are both individually and collectively more important.

Your DH is right, your cat is part of the family and wants to be with you because he's attached to you. Giving it away just because you have a baby is cruel. In a few months, as your baby gets older, this will be less of an issue as you'll spend less time just sitting with your baby on your lap and your baby will spend less time asleep. If you care about your cat at all you will regret it.