Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

What a disgraceful response.

OP is not obliged to prioritise the emotional well being of a man who has deceived her. Why shouldn't this be about her? Her husband has been with her for years and they have a child together and now, just 12 weeks, after he thinks he's tied her down for life he drops this bombshell. If anyone is being selfish here it's her husband not the OP.

Don't second guess yourself OP. You have every right to end the marriage in light of this revelation. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get decent legal advice and make sure your interests and those of your child are protected.

Your husband doesn't have the right to dictate or demand anything but men who do this tend to be very manipulative. Look at Trans Widows Voices (linked earlier in the thread) and prepare yourself for him to behave in unexpected ways.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Know what?

@BrickJoker That post is utter claptrap. I can only think you must be in the same position as OP’s husband.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

Yeah - better for him and worse for you.
Why do these men consider women to be support humans for them? Selfish and entitled.

I am wondering why there was no clue of this in the seven years before your wedding.

The pensions update makes me even more convinced you should try to go for the annulment.

He has effectively tricked you into marrying him. I would be absolutely furious to be honest.

How you would feel about a hypothetical situation for you.
It’s likely to feel very different if it happened.

Because he kept his mouth shut and kind of gave her the impression he was a straight male, considering he was in a relationship with her, having sex with her, having kids and getting married, I'd expect 🙄

I would phrase it with your application for anulment that the intimacy trailed off from his side. Not mention from yours. That you thought he was maybe just tired until he dropped the bombshell.

Don't give him the in of saying it was both of you.

Stop trying to suggest the OP should have known. Lots of women marry men that then end up coming out as gay once the kids have turned into teens. Happens all the bloody time. Are you seriously suggesting these women should have seen through all the masking these men were doing, hiding their true sexuality?

I actually asked someone I know recently (regarding a gay man divorcing his wife), how the wife didn't know he was gay as he's so camp, and they told me that he only started being camp after they separated. So he'd hidden his true self for YEARS! I'd only met the man recently so had only seen him being his very camp and openly gay self.

Yes, I was guilty for questioning how they couldn't know, but it's certainly not the woman's fault for not seeing through her fella's masking of his true self!

Some men hide autogynophilia too. Then when they think you are strapped with kids or marriage, suddenly they start dressing up in your clothes.

Not saying it's necessarily that but, there are a lot of autogynophiles claiming to be trans these days.

Why are you shouting? You ok hun?

Yes, you can get an annulment on grounds of non consummation- loads of people have told OP that and given links, so maybe fact check.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said but you are a victim of a deeply deceitful person and were married under false pretences.I am truly sorry you have been thrown into the deep end of this hugely complicated situation.
Obviously be guided by a solicitor but I would go for the quickest way to exit.
You can't file for divorce until the first anniversary but may be quicker and easier than going for annulment, even though you would meet the criteria
Prioritise yourself and your DS. You are all he needs.
Seek comfort in those who love you.
Warmest wishes OP

He has deceived you into marrying him and now wants you to be his support while he transitions!

How utterly selfish.

Definitely seek legal advise and go for the annulment, sounds like the only assets in the marriage are yours anyway.

Agree - of course he knew and he has deliberately tried to tie you to him via marriage prior to transition. Are you aware this is most likely a sexual fetish? He is almost certainly what was called a transvestite. It's also known as autogynephilia - look it up and contact Trans Widows. You definitely have grounds for annulment, as I understand it. If you stay you will just be an accessory to his fantasy life. You are worth so much more.
PS If he turns out to be one of the small number of gay man with internalised homophobia it makes no difference - he has still deceived and used you.

This 100%. The entitlement of these men is shocking.

I’m so sorry. He tells you this 12 weeks after you married? Fucking creep. He should have told you beforehand, and given you the option not to marry him.

I’d annul the marriage. And no, I would not support him.

If he’s always known or suspected this then he should have told you before you got married. This is hugely unfair to you.
He says he wants you to stay together. Well you want to be married to a man. So how is he going to square that circle?

Definitely get legal advice about annulment vs divorce. He’s already been deceitful, who knows if he has other debts.

I’ve been here, OP. Not to the point of marriage, but being in a relationship and then all of a sudden you’re hit with this. I went through such a period of denial - “We can absolutely stay together! We’ll get married one day! I love you, so that’s all that matters!” No. I was dating a man, I chose to date a man. Then they started to speak in a “feminine” voice and wear feminine clothes and it was like they were there but not. It broke me mentally. My relationship with sex has never been the same. Get out as soon as possible - it messes with your mind. Sending you so much love as you go through this.

Because of the relationship that we have, plus I’m a psychologist so I’m pretty self aware, like I said in my post, I love who I love, gender and sexuality doesn’t really come into it and it works both ways for us.

He sounds both spineless and entitled. Please end the marriage - he has deceived you and likely did this on purpose, waiting until you were married so you felt you had to stand by him. He sounds horrible.

Statistically, most likely scenario is that he is straight, but has a long-standing paraphilia which he has been indulging privately. Debbie Hayton has written a book about this, which, perhaps unintentionally, reveals very clearly how he destroyed his wife's happiness, when he progressed from secret cross-dressing and porn consumption to self-mutilation and the pursuit of state-sanctioned ''womanhood'.

The child was born before they were married, clearly. They didn’t have a baby in the 12 weeks since they were legally married did they.

That poster is absolutely not a better person than you or they wouldn't have wrote that post. How dare they suggest you might be selfish and try to make you feel guilty for wanting to end the marriage.

Your husband has done something absolutely awful to you, he KNEW this before he married you and went ahead anyway hoping you'd feel trapped so you couldn't leave.