Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

The trouble is you are trying to shame the op for suggesting you would take a ‘better’ path.
And that’s not ok.
If the op doesn’t want a sexless life with someone claiming to be a woman then she has every right to put her own happiness and the well being of her child first.
Her husband very conveniently didn’t mention this before marriage did her? That’s so underhanded.

BrickJoker · Today 20:34
I understand how overwhelming this situation must be, but I think it's important to take a step back and consider if you're being a bit selfish in your approach. You're framing the annulment as a way to get out of a marriage that isn’t going the way you expected, but you're overlooking the very real emotional journey your husband is going through. ............etc...

ARE YOU CRAZY? Is that a serious response? The OP is selfish????? Poor, deceitful, lying husband is having such a hard time isn't he?? He is the selfish bastard who waited until they married to reveal all this to her.... and expects her to support him thru his transition, with no regard whatsoever to her feelings or wishes in the matter. To me he has NO SAY WHATSOEVER in what happens in their marriage from here on. He forfeited any say when he married her knowing he was about to lob a grenade into her life, and their child's. He should do the decent thing and get the hell as far away from her as possible and let her have the life she deserves.

What kind of parent is he just out of interest.

Of course he wants to carry on with the way things are, I’m sure you are picking up lots of household tasks and childcare and making his life easier.

I worked with someone whose husband ‘transitioned’ when their children were teenagers. He eventually quit working and became mostly housebound as he was shocked he hadn’t actually turned into the opposite sex and still looked like a bloke. So she was the breadwinner and still picked up everything that needed doing. All whilst putting a good face on it and pretending she was okay when she obviously wasn’t.

prioritise yourself and your son.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation OP. Have sent you a private message as don’t want to post publically.

I honestly think it would be a kindness to him for the marriage to be annulled.

He can then focus on getting the help he needs. This needs to come from a professional.

You are not expected to support him with this and nobody IRL will think worse of you for prioritising yourself and your DC in this situation.

Don’t give in to emotional blackmail

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Wishing you the best of luck.

@Anewdawnanewname your reply is horrifically insensitive.

The fact you have a child together would probably make it very difficult to argue non consumation.

He deceived you into marrying what you believed him to be.

He's probably had this secret life for a very long time and now he thinks you're trapped he can do as he likes. No way has it suddenly come on. The fact he says he'll contest it suggests he sees you as property with no free will.

You may consider going down the 'I'm straight, with no interest in women, I didn't agree to marry a woman and I always believed she was a man - that's what she led me to believe when we got married and she only revealed the truth after we were married' route. That would require you to go with the fiction that he's a woman ...

He has tried to trap you... the w*ker

The fact you have a child together would probably make it very difficult to argue non consumation.

Why? Consummation has to happen after the couple have got married. Having a fourteen month old child doesn't constitute evidence that you've had sex within the last three months.

No, I suspect he’s expecting her to support him through his ‘transition’ and have sex with him while he pretends he’s a woman.

The absolute gall of him to say he’d contest it and you should stay with him! And so confusing for your poor child. How dare he. I’d tell him not to come back from his mums and get filing the annulment papers. Get a solicitor if needed.

Yeah but no

Her husband has changed the goal posts

Had he said he thought he was a woman before the wedding she would never have married him. He took away her choice and presented her with a sham sexless marriage after the fact. He deceived her and now you are expecting her to centre his feelings when she was the one who was lied to... nah

Op - get out the quickest way you can. This is on your ex.

Does the deceptive bastard really want you to believe he had no inkling until right after you tied the knot? I'm so sorry he's done this to you 💐.

Because the child was conceived - and born - before the marriage. Annulments are granted when the couple haven't had sexual intercourse since the start of the marriage.

The child was born before the marriage. But they have not consummated the actual marriage. So no, it doesn't make it difficult.

Because they haven't had sex since they have been married.

I hope you’re not English given you have no knowledge of English history. Tell us about the creation of the Church of England.

I don't care what it takes go for an annulment. This was never a valid marriage.

What planet are you on? She is a woman who married a man - who now says he wants to be a woman. It is not unreasonable for her not to want to be married to a woman.

@BrickJoker Absolute shame on you. Contrary to the total claptrap that you posted, this isn’t all about him and what he wants and how he feels. She’s been deceived. Definitely into marriage and possibly into a relationship too. And you’re telling her to put her own feelings to one side so that poor little sausage can make her pain all about him? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. God forbid, but if something similar ever happens to you, I hope you think back to your advice and recognise how bloody shit it was. You owe the OP an apology.

I have to add that I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and he’s always known that I love who I love, I fall in love with the person, no matter their gender.
If my husband decided that he wanted to transition then I wouldn’t have a problem with it because there is so much more to our relationship than traditional male/female roles.

So easy to say when it isn't actually happening to you. Why on earth would you think your imaginary idea of what you would do if your husband came to you and said he thinks he is a woman has is any fucking help to the OP who is going through a really difficult time.

Also so you think we are stupid? you fell in love with your husband because he was a man. Gender - whatever the fuck that is - had nothing to do with it.

This is so tiresome.

The marriage hasn’t been consummated because they haven’t had sex since they married. Their son is 14 months old and they have been married 3 months. It’s all their in the OP

Worth a read - https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

It is a tough situation. I strongly suspect the timing was done after you got married, possibly not for financial reasons but to guilt trip you into staying around.

The deception and trickery would be the killer for me. Either way this was not the marriage you signed up for. Is it really one you want to stay in?

You're framing the annulment as a way to get out of a marriage that isn’t going the way you expected, but you're overlooking the very real emotional journey your husband is going through.

Oh, he's going on a journey... one that completely fucks over the OP and her life plans with the man she thought she was marrying.

I knew someone who went through similar, but her partner sprang it on her when they were engaged, the venue all booked, the invites all out and replied to etc etc.

The partner wanted to have sex as if if she (the trans woman), were "the woman", whatever that means 🤨 So still wanted sex, but there was a load of drama and expectation surrounding it. The person I knew, went along with it and they got married anyway.