Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

This 100-%

Oh and I know you say you don’t own property but get some proper legal advice about divorce v annulling the marriage as there could be other things in play such as pensions.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment

Number one reason for you to go for it.

What an arrogant arsehole thinking you were going to stick around in a relationship you weren't aware you were in!!!

I just want to say OP, I’m deeply sorry this happened to you. Most of get married hoping for a genuine marriage with love, honesty and compassion. What he did was so utterly wrong and your world must have imploded. You are definitely doing the right thing, if you had decided to stay you would have been expected to help finance buying him an entire wardrobe (think mini skirts and fishnet tights) , help him with his hair and make up while he does less and less while he’s staring at the mirror more and more etc etc your job would to tell him he totally passes and he’s brave and beautiful, theres a playbook here and you definitely don’t want it. No sane woman would.

The transwidows threads can probably give you some support and no doubt you will recognise some of your own experiences there too.

I really do wish you and your little one the best. 💐

Friend of mine had this exact sitauiton

she said I never agreed to marry a woman…

however she stayed with her for years and years. They had a pretty loveless marriage and she was deeply unhappy

I know someone who had an annulment due to this. They were the transitioning party. The other individual thought they were ok with it, later to find they weren’t. Both parties on that basis agreed the annulment.

your issue is difficult in that your husband doesn’t agree with it. It is very early days if he only mentioned this just now so I would let the dust settle a little and see where you are (he may come round to agreeing with you) but agree that in your position I would also want an annulment

The thing is you can't get divorce if you've been married less than a year. In the UK you need to be married for a year before you can file for divorce. Then after that even with no assets it will take about 6 months.

An annulment can be done at any time. You don't have to wait the year. It will be much quicker.

The court fee for filing the annulment is £593. Its the same as the cost of filing for divorce. Although, once you get solicitors involved, mediation, clean break agreement, child arrangement order ( which you might want to do anyway. The divorce will take longer but it will also be more expensive all round ( you can get help with the court costs if you are on benefits but you need to apply for the help before you file).

I would be very clear with him. The relationship is over. He can do it the hard way or the easy way but the result will be the same. The only difference will be how much you dislike and resent him after.

It's not reasonable to expect you to stay. He's kept this huge secret from you. He's married you under false pretences. He wants a sexless marriage. He wants you to be married to a trans woman. What about what you want? Where do your wants come into it. From my point of view he's married you and withheld all this information to try and trap you or pressurise you to stay with him because he doesn't want to hurt his image. You are his beard.

That’s very true - didn’t think about pensions, thanks for bringing that up. I have been paying in to my pension for 18 years and he has been self employed and very sporadic and has only reliably paid in for the past 5 years or so. Maybe that is why he wanted to marry me, didn’t even occur to me. What a mess

Even if he contests the annulment you can ask for it to be heard by a judge.

I have been paying in to my pension for 18 years and he has been self employed and very sporadic

😱

Yes, definitely go for the annulment.

There is no time limit on seeking an annulment. Unlike divorce, you can apply for annulment in the first year of your marriage or any time after. However, if you apply years after the wedding, you might be asked to explain the delay. If OP doesn’t go for an annulment on the two grounds that apply in her situation, then she’d have to wait a year after her marriage to begin divorce proceedings.

I haven't read everyone's answers so this may have been said, but my first thought was that he has known for a very long time, but sat on it pushing the marriage forward knowing it would be much harder for you to leave him once you were married. Really deceitful and selfish. Cake and eat it.

No, you won't stand by him
No, you won't entertain a sexless marriage because he has only just revealed the most important part of himself to you.
Iam actually furious on your behalf.

How DARE he drop that on you then threaten to contest annulment. How. Dare He?!

@confusedpasty sorry op but he has trapped you . Funny how after all these years he now confesses/feels this way. .

You know what you need to do .

And that's probably why he doesn't want an annulment. It means he won't be eligible for any of your pension. Wow, he really is a slimy maggot! He fucking well had this all planned, didn't he? 😡

File for annulment right away, start doing it tonight. Kick him out of the house tomorrow. Do you have any male relatives that can heavy him out of the house?
If not, go to family or friends, and take your son with you. Never allow him anywhere near your son alone.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it must have been such a shock to you. ♥️
So to have come to this decision 3 months after you marriage isn’t ok, They will have known about how they felt regarding their gender dysphoria for a long long time, if not since childhood and that must be so confusing as to why they’ve continued with a normal heterosexual relationship with you, I would personally feel used.
So I put myself in your position, purely from my perspective; I have to add that I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and he’s always known that I love who I love, I fall in love with the person, no matter their gender.
If my husband decided that he wanted to transition then I wouldn’t have a problem with it because there is so much more to our relationship than traditional male/female roles. But it’s just personal preference, If you don’t think that you can continue the relationship then having children before the marriage doesn’t prevent it being annulled but the presence of children may influence certain aspects of the annulment. I suggest that you seek legal advice regarding this.
I really wish you the best with your future, I think actually what it would hinge on, for me, would be the deception on your husband’s part and whether he has genuinely been suppressing his gender identity or whether he’s using it as an ‘out’ as an excuse to get out of the marriage.

Did you actually read the post ? Honestly !

See proper legal advice. But if you are better off than him in any way and he is not on the birth cert annulment all the way.

She doesn’t have to have his agreement to annul either, the court will decide.

Oh well looks like annulment might be better then. As others have said you can’t beat getting professional advice. I wish you well op. It’s a very sad and difficult situation.

You cannot possibly know that.

He's so selfish. Contest the annulment!? What a prick. Honestly he's acting like you are property who can't leave even though he's not who he pretended to be.

It's as if he knew before the marriage but wanted to trap you with it. Maybe for the free childcare.

Of course you shouldn't stay. He's a cheeky cunt.
Get straight down the courthouse.

I’m so sorry, OP. I would never, ever speak to him again. What kind of father pulls this nonsense? He should be enjoying being a father and focusing on your son & you. Instead however, he’s attention seeking and clearly has some deep rooted issues he needs to deal with on his own. Just walk away. Thinking of you.
Also, I speak from experience when I say that the thought of being a single parent is far worse than the reality. Far, far worse. It’s honestly not as challenging as you’d expect, not once you get into a routine. I promise you can do this.

But her husband has fundamentally deceived her about who he is and the life he wants, thereby tricking her into marriage, yet you think she should put herself aside and look after him. You’re crazy.

He actually said he's transgender fgs and plans to transition so will be wearing women's clothes, changing his name etc etc so he's not going to be any sort of father or be interested in fatherly responsibilities !!!

Definitely annulment then, so your pension is yours