Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

It’s probably also not just you and him in the marriage. He’s quite possibly on online chat servers getting cheered along by a group that will have zero interest in you or your child’s wellbeing.

You're a Joker right enough.

The OP does not have to be tricked into being this man's emotional support animal.

Because it hasn’t been consummated. Pretty simple.

I wonder whether he really would go through with defending an annulment claim if it came to it. To do that, he would have to deny that he is transitioning - and if he is genuine about transitioning he can't really do that.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

He, like they usually are, is a selfish piece of crap. HE should have stayed the HUSBAND he presented as, for better or for worse!

No this about her as well. He mislead her and trapper her into a marriage. The basic foundation of honesty and trust have shattered. She owes him nothing. Tbh fuck him

He'd be buried under the patio if he were my husband. Seriously, get out and take him for every penny. What a narcissistic pig. You deserve more.

Hello, OP's "husband". Now bugger off and leave her alone.

You need legal advice to decide whether annulment or divorce is the best way to go. You can divorce for any reason, it doesn't matter what your spouse wants. You have to do what is best for you and your child now, regardless of whether the deceit was deliberate or not (he must have been having some doubts before the wedding).

thinking about yourself first in this scenario could be a sign of selfishness, especially when it involves denying him the support he needs during a time of deep personal conflict.

There you have it plain and clear. Women exist to support men and trying to live their own lives or prioritise their own needs is just a sign of selfishness. Fuck off with that crap.

OP, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I would seek legal advice and bring someone else with you to take notes - because I think your head is going to be all over the place for a while. An annulment might help your emotional need to have it declared that he had no intention of entering into a real marriage but a divorce might be the easiest, quickest and most practical way for you to disengage from his "deep personal conflict (ffs)" and begin getting on with your own life.

Well, this is factually inaccurate.

What a vile load of gaslighting that is! It is the HUSBAND that is being selfish; trapped a woman into a marriage, held it from her, now has destroyed her life as she knows it. Stop victim-blaming and gaslighting, the HUSBAND is focussing on his self-indulgence and not his wife. That is a sign of selfishness. He is a dangerous narcissist. He is asking her to remain in a loveless sexless marriage because of his fetish. That is not just selfish and sociopathic, it is beyond cruel. This is not about his 'truth', he doesn't know what truth is. This is about his fetish. Don't you DARE victim-blame the OP! She is the only innocent one here. He should have thought of 'Til Death Do Us Part' before he trapped her, lied to her, and deceived her. You should be ashamed of your post, @BrickJoker .

Fuck off.

Not you @WhatANightForADance
That was meant for @BrickJoker

For the sake of your future stability, I'd go divorce over an annulment. You need to make sure you come away from this with everything you're entitled to.

Irreconcilable differences are clear in this case.

Absolutely appalling behaviour on his part. He could've told you about this a LONG time ago but he chose to marry you under false pretences in order to make it harder for you to leave.

Frankly, what he's going through is relevant to him alone. Put yourself and your kids first and get your affairs in order.

Bullshit. Oh so, 'he didn't lie.... exactly, he just.....never told her'? Yeah, NO! A lie by omission is still a lie. If I married you and I hid a secret that I murdered two people, but never told you, it would still be a lie by omission and I would be mis-representing myself. Which MEANS you married me under false pretences. Hence grounds for an annulment. This vile man destroyed this woman's life all for a fetish. It's disgraceful and pandering to him is an extra insult to the victim. He he deserves NO respect for the disgusting trick he pulled.

And I'd imagine there's a whole section of his life he's kept secret.

There's no way you make such a massive announcement without some, shall we say, experimentation.

That's the kicker. The secret life you weren't part of because this hasn't arisen overnight.

I can’t believe what I just read! He tricked and trapped the OP into marriage. He’s despicable and the OP has every right to feel the way she does. And, no, the OP is not at all selfish!

OP also look at keeping him away from your son out of safeguarding. He's not on the birth certificate is he? Either way, I'd tell him you'll give him a divorce and leave everything to him as long as he has no contact with his son ever again. Your son is young enough to forget him, and he will be safer not knowing him or having him in his life.

@BrickJoker If Op's DH is trans they've known for a long time and they've married OP under false pretences.

Nobody would be stupid enough to believe that these feelings have only arisen in the last 12 weeks!

Wy should OP tie herself into a life of misery with a 'wife' she never wanted? Why should she support someone who has taken the absolute piss out of her?

For better or for worse my fat arse!

The only selfish person here is the one who tied someone into a marriage that was utter bullshit. Whatever they are going through is theirs to deal with. Op does not owe them her life after she's been so poorly treated.

You're focusing on your own discomfort without truly considering the weight of what your husband is going through.

TOO FUCKING RIGHT!!! OP has been done wrong and I hope she runs far and fast from the prick.

Should you feel tempted to follow BrickJoker's bad advice, please watch this first:

Yes, I agree, this is fraud.

And an annulment is better because then you don't have a 'divorce' in your history. As you won't have ever been married. Which is the benefit. No marriage/divorce at all to your name.

I am very sorry you are living through this sham marriage. He married you with a lie, he knew his feelings, he trapped you so he wouldn’t be alone,
Of course you want an annulment, to start a new fresh ‘normal’ life and maybe get really married. Good luck.

Totally agree.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!
Well he would say that wouldn't he!
He's planned it all surely, he gets to live out his fantasy & you have no choice but to support and obey, subordinate yourself to his fantasy life.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers😡