Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Duplicate.

Oh! It’s more than reasonable for OP to be reeling in this situation. She’s recently had a baby and her husband has centred himself and given her an ultimatum at an incredibly vulnerable time for her.

I don’t understand how you could try to dictate who she might want to talk to in this situation? Honest question, do you think the OP’s husband is surrounded by a healthy online community encouraging him to think of his post-partum wife and newborn’s best interest?

He’s a CF who unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage. So manipulative too. He changed the deal, not you. Talk to a lawyer pronto.

As ever, one may end a relationship for any reason at any time.

And it's "ulterior."

Are you OPs husband?! This post is tone deaf.

What's "troubling" about so many people on this Forum ?

We're mainly centering the OP, her feelings, pointing her to solicitors, other resources from women who have w been in her shoes, helping her acquire proof the marriage wasn't consummated so she can get an annulment.

How very DARE we rally around the OP, who has had the rug pulled from her at an incredibly vulnerable time, when her husband thinks she is won't EVER leave, and if she does she is a bigot/Transphobe/doodoohead etc. we should be thinking of her husband, his feelings, he is a laydee, now! He NEEDS her, he doesn't want her, or a marriage that will fulfil both of their needs (because women only needs a pair of rubber gloves, a pinny and to make her husband happy to be fulfilled 🙄), why should she have a sex life when she can be a lesbian with a bloke who doesn't want to have sex with her?

Her husband is probably getting lots of advice from forums and websites (because he is using the oldest lines in the book to try and coerce her into staying in this sham of a marriage), "FairAdvocate" finds it so troubling that women get advice too, that a lot of us put women, as well as ourselves, first, and believes we are supposed to put up and shut up, and just do what men want. Why do we have to be so difficult when it makes men sad?

No.

@confusedpasty
I have read your posts and first and foremost I hope that you are doing ok.
I would just like to give you my opinion based upon over 20 years of working in a sector which is totally indoctrinated/ captured with the “be kind.” mindset. I cannot be too specific about who I worked with, in what capacity or where because of possible legal implications.

From my personal experiences:
1 Your partner has always known that he is either gay or is sexually excited by AGP. Given his behaviour I suspect AGP.
2 His mother has either always known or had suspicions. I don’t intend to explain how she would know.
3 AGP can be likened to drug addiction ( professional experience not spurious comment.) With drugs you keep having to up the dosage/ change the drug to get the same high. With AGP you have to keep having to increase the risk to achieve the same level of sexual gratification. More clothes, wear makeup, wear woman’s underwear under normal clothes, Etc.

In your case, he successfully kept this secret hidden from you for 7 years. But now after you have had a child and married he has chosen this moment to disclose this “secret” and hopes that you can carry on and support him in his journey.

I am not privy to your personal life before marriage and your baby but did he suggest cross dressing, wearing your underwear, did any of your underwear/ clothing/makeup strangely disappear, did he spend hours alone on the internet?

Also was he present at the birth, help you deal with the practical realities of being a post partum
woman? This would break his illusion of what being a biological woman really means, menstruation, blood, etc. So not all fancy clothes and fun. Maybe he can no longer become sexually aroused with you after observing this. So can no longer “fake “ it to sustain your relationship.

I am truly not trying to be horrible but you need to be honest with yourself about your relationship to date.

My Advice to you is to protect yourself and your child from your partner, his family and anyone else who thinks that you can rebuild any personal relationship with this man. He will have enough willing supporters who support his “stunning and brave.” actions. They will ignore the damage to you, your confidence in yourself and your ability to trust others, your own sense of self. So be prepared for your friends suddenly turning against you.

He will always be the biological father of your child BUT, regardless of your past live, he is not your friend. You married a mirage of a man.

Get professional advice ASAP but definitely annul your marriage. And whenever possible communicate through a third party, meet only in public places.

I think most of you here are pretty horrendous people that if OP met in real life she would likely want nothing to do with.

Have a look in the mirror. Your smug Mens Rights attitude is vile and abhorrent.

Do you see the way you speak to people?
Do you see why I might be telling this woman to steer herself away from this?
I think that to think you have immunity from being abusive to others is a horrendous place to be.

I don't find it troubling for anyone to get advice.
I think that I'm just being very clear in that getting from a person such as yourself, with the way you speak to people, to be a hole she should avoid.

All three of your claims are entirely unprovable in the context of her situation.
Essentially it's a list of your ideology that you're trying to impose onto her.
Her situation is likely very complex and there is likely great many things that you don't know.
Isn't it better to ask than to make wild and unprovable claims?

I think for me, it's the cult like mentality to conform and the abusive mentality if someone doesn't conform to it or is part of a group the cult is explicitly opposed to

In answer to your final question, perhaps.
I think that whenever people get involved in forums like this it becomes filled with cult like behaviour and unhealthy practices.
This is why I said it's better to connect with people in her real life.
Doing this, sadly, will just lead her down a path of hate that won't help anyone in the situation.
Do I think her former husband did this the right way? I mean not really.
I don't really agree with transgender people before they come out getting involved in relationships but at the same time it's hard to know when this person even found out themselves as it's complex.
Talking to her partner and understanding more would probably be more productive than doing this even if she finds she just can't maintain any relationship beyond children.
All she is going to find here is a group of women who have strange and cultlike grievances which honestly, I find to be a waste of a life.

The hypocrisy! Don't you see the way you speak to people? You think on account of being trans you have immunity to abuse women on here. Well it doesn't work that way, and you will be called out.

More hypocrisy. We could talk about how detransitioners are shunned from the trans 'community' and receive abuse and threats, and how decent transwomen are abused and shunned for not 100% following the cult's mindset and talking points.

First and foremost my concern is for the OP not ideological debates about “trans” relationships I don’t want to derail the thread.

But to respond to the points you raised:

I didn’t list my ideologies.
I advised the OP to re-evaluate her relationship to date with her partner in the light of his recent revelations.
My final point was about my concern for the OP’s mental and physical well-being. I have absolutely no interest in the OP’s partner other than how his actions impact upon the OP. He can take whatever path in life he thinks will make him happy BUT he has no right to expect the OP to support him or join him on his journey…

How have I spoke to people that's been abusive? Quote it

'First and foremost my concern is for the OP not ideological debates about “trans” relationships I don’t want to derail the thread.'

But you do recognise that's what your three claims do though?

I think most of you here are pretty horrendous people that if OP met in real life she would likely want nothing to do with.

For starters.

I know someone who's detransitioned. They are fine. Get on great.
I think that of trans groups are mostly based on lack of rights. I think that really if that's achieved and more support is given for transgender to just get on and transition alot of this will just go away.
I think that people who hold views such as yours are actually just creating a situation where transgender voices get louder due to actual discrimination taking place.
Ultimately, as much as it goes back and forth, I think that the majority of rights will be achieved eventually.
I mostly think this due to overall support for transgender people remaining high even with understanding and support for individual transgender issues being low.

So while yes, I do think for example things like r/transgender can have cultlike mentalities that I don't paticulary like I also understand it's coming mainly from some scared people.
And actually to be fair, I also recognise that situations that the OP is also pretty shitty honestly. I know a trans person who has been in a situation like this though that situation was handled pretty well. In her situation, it was mostly due to her partner giving birth. It made something inside her just snap and realise she couldn't live her life like that anymore. It doesn't make it less shitty but it's a better reason than going on about AGY or being gay or the mum knowing or whatever nonsense someone else was coming out with.

At the end of the day I find it's better to actually talk to people. I've also made a point to get into contact with former trans widows to. I say former as they recognise going down that hole was a waste of thier life and it led them to take very destructive actions. I find people like that interesting because there's always a 'what if'. And really, that's the main reason I left the message for OP because going down that road will just lead to a time of misery with energy wasted on what is essentially an ideology that doesn't help her situation even a bit.

Okay I think we need to understand something.
Calling out abusive behaviour for what it is, isn't always in of itself abusive.
What else?

I am very interested in this particular paragraph:

“I don't really agree with transgender people before they come out getting involved in relationships but at the same time it's hard to know when this person even found out themselves as it's complex.”

In the context of this statement what is your understanding of transgender.

Having worked with numerous trans women in the course of my work. I worked primarily with older transgender women. Virtually every person said “ I have being living a lie.”

Yeah it's complicated and not everyone is the same.
I think those women are being abit dramatic there tbh.
The real issue is that being transgender has been so unacceptable in society that some people who are actually transgender are quite repressed to the point they don't even understand the thoughts they are having.

I'll give you an example. When I was 8 years old I had the thought in bed that I was girl and I was so scared by that thought I locked it in the tightest box possible and didn't see it again for years.
I also used to do things I didn't understand such as hold myself to female beauty standards despite it making absolutely zero sense why I was doing this.
Incidentally I found out some months ago that transgender womens brains or perceptions tend to be fairly aligned with women in general when it comes to self perception and appearance. So there could be something in that that is pretty hardwired. It's on going who knows.

Except the only abusive behaviour is yours.