Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Lord Hodge; is that you? You transphobe! 😉

PS love the username. Orwell-Jansson mash-up!

Your sex was observed at birth.

Actually. Apologies OP, this side debate isn’t helpful to you. I withdraw this.

Agree, unhelpful derail.

Apologies. I won't continue.

This 💯 percent 👆
👏 👏 👏

I think he’s an incredibly selfish person . It’s clear he held out on telling you till after the wedding so that you would be more locked in.
id dump his lying ass.

Absolutely not a single post has denied the existence of Transwomen. Not one.

We know they exist - but transwomen are not, nor ever will be, Women. They are - and always will be - transwomen. AKA Men.

That's simply a statement of biological fact. Not Transphobic.

I’m so sorry OP, that level of deception must be so hard to come to terms with.

@BrickJoker sounds like we found the entitled hubby!

I think perhaps some of the posters are responding to your tone towards the OP, which does come across as judgemental, whether you intended it to or not. Comments like "if the OP's interest in the marriage was purely about sex and appearance" and "the OP is clearly not invested in the partnership" give the impression you think the OP is shallow and wasn't really committed to her husband.

That's not a fair judgement to make when her husband has so suddenly changed the entire basis for their relationship. She loved and was committed to a man, in a heterosexual relationship - she can't be expected to transfer those feelings at the drop of a hat to a man who believes he's a woman, he's simply not who she always thought he was.

He has also revealed he is capable of living a double life, keeping fundamental secrets from OP, in the knowledge that those secrets will impact on her welfare.

Dump him, co parent as
appropriate. Protect yourself against his ego.

I guess that for most people their gender is assigned at birth by their parents and by society in line with their genitalia, and for some people reassigned by themselves as they develop a sense of their true identity. I think that's what you're asking! I'm intrigued to know why you appear to be so obsessed with my gender. It's very flattering!

I agree with your comments about being human and I think the world would be a wonderful place, and a lot of the world's ills cured if we simply identified as human rather than as a specific gender. It might even lead to less caustic, divisive comments in response to posts like this one, though I'm sure people would still find some reason to "other" folk who are not like them.

Again, 'gender' is simply personality. No one 'assigns' a personality at birth. NOTHING is 'assigned' at birth. Please stop using cult talking points. Personality is developed over time. It is not 'assigned'.

For the 10th time, NO ONE 'identifies' as a 'gender' or personality. It's not even something that can be identified into. You either are, or you aren't.

Unless you mean SEX.

THIS IS NOT HELPING THE OP.

This bloke has clearly deceived the poor OP into marriage, knowing full well that he thought he was a transperson. It is no coincidence that he suddenly went off sex just as soon as they got married. A person who was genuinely confused about their sexuality or gender would not behave like this and would not suddenly 'discover themselves' on the date of the marriage. A decent person who was genuinely confused would not then try to use emotional blackmail to persuade their spouse to remain in the marriage. They would feel terrible for having misled them and would put the spouse's feelings above their own. This man is a horrible, manipulative individual who thinks only of himself.

100%. People come on here for support and all you do it post numerous posts furthering your own, pathetic agenda.

You may be right but the clue is in the word "if" - I haven't judged her, but I was responding to a comment which, from memory, said something along the lines that marriage was all about sex so why should she stay in a sexless marriage (I can't be bothered to trawl through the zillions of comments!). In fact, in another comment I contradicted someone who asked why anyone should care about her husband, and suggested that she probably did care for him very much.

The OP isn't invested in the partnership as it is - I think that much is true, she's said so herself - though I agree I could have worded it much better.

Some people may be responding to my tone, but many more are responding to the fact that I haven't said her husband should be hung drawn and quartered for being trans. I have had literally hundreds of responses - some of them quite vile, many of them displaying transphobia with a greater or lesser degree of openness, and most from people who jumped on my comments before I posted the one you refer to here. I have no problem with anybody criticising my opinions, but I do object strongly to transphobia, or any other kind of bigotry.

In your opinion....

There is no other way to explain the series of events as described by @confusedpasty, who sounds like an incredibly calm and sensible woman.

I object to femophobia, misogynistic bigotry and Toxic Masculinity.

Always someone who can’t resist making a thread all about them. It’s so tiresome and really disrespectful to the OP who came on here for advice and support not an ideological monologue

In the opinion of any decent human being.

30 pages of mostly derailing posts. A lot of noise on here not at all helpful to the OP!!

So do I.

I don't know, it's probably helping the OP to begin to understand the Alice Through The Looking Glass world she will be in now. Where men can be women, and to object to that belief is a literal hate crime/genocide.

Yes?