Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

He, not a she. He’s a man. He’s a gad lighting abusive manipulative man

I’m very sorry you’re going through this

She owes him nothing. He lied to her and deceived her into a marriage she would never had entertained had she known. He might need support but it’s not her job to give it. Women are not therapists for men with mental health problems. Why should she have to support him when the one person she should have been able to trust above all others has treated her so badly? I say this again - IT’S NOT HER JOB.

This nails it! The only world in which the wife should be the one responsible for supporting him through it is a world in which we've mixed up 'wife' and 'labrador'.

This post contains possibly the most minimising and gaslighting use of the word 'discomfort' I think I've ever seen🤔

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

Funny that his marriage vows only count when they put a burden on you, not on him. I don’t believe he suddenly discovered his wish to be a woman in the past few weeks, after living with you for years. He married you under false pretences, to try to tie you down.

Don’t fall for it, OP. As others have said, you need to consult a lawyer and Mumsnet’s Transwidows threads. Best of luck to you all — but he must not be allowed to drag you and DC into his fantasy world.

I don’t think this can possibly be salvaged given the huge breach of trust, and the deception.

I am sorry op but he will be planning to be his ‘true self’ publicly soon, I can only see things becoming worse for you - he was never the man you thought he was.

I'll leave others to discuss how manipulative and awful this man is.

OP, I'm assuming you're in England and Wales: the government website says your marriage is voidable if one party starts to transition to another gender, so him getting a GRC isn't needed.

You'd also have the ground of non-consummation, as others have said this refers to the marriage not being consummated and not the relationship, so the existence of your child is irrelevant. Keep away from him in case he tries to get you into bed so he can remove that avenue that's currently available to you.

Take legal advice, tell him what you're doing and apply for an annulment if you think it's right for you.

Best of luck.

This must be up for the prize of biggest load of horse manure ever posted on MN.

I bet this horror imagines himself turning up to parents evenings with the OP, wearing his size 11 heels and fishnets and demanding to be called ‘mum’. Time to burst his bubble.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

He cannot force you to love and support him if that's not how you feel. The fact is you married someone of one gender and they are now telling you that they are another. That's a core part of who you are and your sexuality.

It's easy for him to say that you should stick together when he is clearly the one that benefits from that.

The marriage is over whether you annul or divorce. Whether or not he accepts it, you won't be 'sticking together', the only question is how difficult he's going to make the process of separating.

It would be easier for you both to annul.

He absolutely wants you to pay for his transition, it's veeeery expensive, and I suppose getting money out of you is quicker than gofundme. Protect your money at all cost.

Just a thought OP but do you keep track of sexual activity on the period tracker on your phone? If you have data going back far enough that could be proof that it wasn’t consummated?

Like a previous poster I have a trans sibling.
We really like my brother's ex. She was a massive support to him over ten years and definitely did the heavy lifting practically, financially and emotionally. My brother dropped his trans bombshell and they separated which was the right thing to do.
Transwoman is my brother's entire personality now. My mum has been hurt by how little he cares for anyone apart from Trans.
I would let him go with a smile plastered on your face for his brave and stunning journey then move far away and protect your child. Your ex in laws may be more on your side than you'd think. My brother has certainly gone down the AGP route I don't want him near my daughters, myself or my mum in any meaningful way. We are not fuel for his fetish.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse!

This is when you make your coming out as a man. A very stereotypical cave man. Fart and burp for the king and tell him to go to the kitchen. Wear a strap dildo and call him your little bitch. (Leave your dc with gp while you do this)

Thoughts for you op. 💐

He is not who he led you to believe. It is very suspicious that he has only realised all of this since you became more tied to him.

Protect your assets by getting an annulment rather than divorce, then protect your child from any gaslighting behaviour or labels.

From other threads I think @BrickJoker has an er… agenda on this topic. OP, I would suggest that as he is now a woman he is now responsible for 90% of all childcare, all the housework and I bet those are not the aspects of “womanhood” he was thinking of. Funnily enough,it’s all about the clothes, nails, hair and boobs with them.

@confusedpasty

It will probably really help you if can confide in someone in real life and also get some counselling. Speak to your GP if you're not sleeping.

You could also contact Straight Partners Anonymous, where you will find people who have been through similar. Sorry about the long link, on my phone and can't work out why it's like that.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/?fbclid=IwY2xjawKfkzJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHn89SX8RLhoUXy1lCgtDqdZqYl8a1Z2U505qJsEaa9JBMBQSJ6N9RpNNrWBO_aem_YsJ8UhMVdB_k34hEqte13Q

What a horrible piece of shit. He’s not suddenly thought this up in the last three months, so he married you/tried to trap you knowing he felt like this. Agree he’s probably after your pension.

if he says he will contest an annulment does that mean he will lie and say you’ve had sex since the wedding? Can you get him to admit to the lack of sex via text or have a conversation and secretly record it for proof? Because I don’t know what happens if he says you’ve had sex.

i guess from a practical pov any claim on your pension would only be for the length of time you have been married before a separation, so three months! From a financial pov it won’t be a big hit. Just the principle would infuriate me. You can’t get divorced btw in the first year (not sure if this is still true but it used to be). But email/text him saying you consider yourself legally separated as from now.

i can’t get my head round him saying he can’t have sex with you “as a man” but he’s also not attracted to men. So if he wants to stay with you does he still want to have sex with you but “as a woman”. So he expects you to turn into a lesbian? He’s living in cloud cuckoo land. He can’t have sex as a woman, he doesn’t have the necessary equipment. Anyway all a moot point if you finish with him. Shame you have a kid together and will still have to be in touch.

He. He is a man.

OP, not sure if someone has already suggested this but have a look at GOV.UK on marriage annulment………there’s lots of information there including the qualifying time scale and criteria.

OP"s husband didn't start the thread so it's incredibly insensitive for you to pander to his delusion whilst the OP's life implodes as a result of his selfishness.

Yes you can get it annulled if you haven't consumated the marriage. It would be far easier than getting a divorce.

I don't believe you are a psychologist. What kind of a psychologist offers advice based on what they would do in a situation they have no experience of when they weren't asked wwyd? Surely a psychologist would recognising that "merailing" a thread a quite unboundaried behaviour.

The OP wants to end her marriage because she has been deceived and because she married a man who now wants to move the goal posts. It does not matter if that would not bother you, it bothers the OP.

Wow so many responses. Thank you everyone for the kind words, I have woken up this morning feeling very confused and also to a stream of messages from his mum telling me how upset my husband is and how she can’t be expected to manage our fall out and he should move back to sort himself out. It’s going to be a long day!

Bollocks abd gaslighting. He lied, and is attempting to be controlling through manipulation. He doesn't get to chose that op is stuck as his support human.