Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

He is an aùtogynephile

He's an asshole who has kept this from you until after marriage. This was calculated and deliberate. He has not suddenly developed these feelings. Get a solicitor and run for the hills.

Yes.

It is interesting how cross-dressers have 'disappeared', isn't it?

Whatever the scenario, he 100% saw this coming way before marrying her.

I sincerely hope she's capable of prioritising her own happiness and doesn't get guilted into staying with him, which would be purely in his best interests.

Both OP and the kids would be best off away from the process he's about to put himself through.

Absolutely this!!

OP, I think it’s such a niche situation that not many of us can really understand what you’re going through or what to expect. Not many of us know ‘the script’ for this particular scenario, although I believe there very much is one. I strongly echo the advice of previous posters to have a look at Trans Widows. These women have been and are in your exact position. They understand every feeling you have because they’ve had them too and they can really support you in ways that most of us wouldn’t even think of.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I wish you strength.

That's fair enough, for you and your partner. But it isn't, for the OP, and really it's quite ignorant to suggest that it should be. Sexuality isn't something a person can control, and isn't something a person should be expected to try and change or ignore, whether they be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual or anything else.

Because they haven’t consummated the marriage. It doesn’t matter that they had sex before marriage. The marriage has not been consummated since the ceremony.

Ultimately if he becomes a woman and you’re not gay this marriage can’t work, can it? Kick him out.

He said he wouldn’t be open to annulment as he basically feels we should stick together for better or worse! But I hope he may be willing to talk again once the dust settles a little. I don’t see how we can come back from this

What a joke. Of course he would say that. Because this is how he set things up. He lured you into a FAKE marriage and his plan was for you to stand by him and continue doing whatever you do for him already around the house. You’re not following the script he had prepared for you. This man thinks He’s the main character in your household and he’s preparing you for the supporting role.

I would want him out the house immediately if possible as I’d feel as I was living with a stranger which is scary. Annul this shambles of a marriage and go your separate ways as soon as possible .

This is a dangerously deceptive man.
How selfish that he tricked you into having a child with him so you’ll be tied to him in some way forever.

@confusedpasty

This is what I picked up on annulment vs divorce.

An annulment application CAN be contested if they feel it is a 'valid' marriage. But the annulment itself can't be contested IF the petitioner can provide the necessary evidence or proof that the marriage is not valid. In other words, if you can prove he is transitioning/wants to transition/feels he is a woman, there's nothing he can do to stop the annulment. 'Non-consummation' may be harder to prove as you are (obviously) not 'virgo intacta' and he'd probably lie about not having had sex after the marriage. Best bet is to try to get it in writing/email/text somehow that he's transitioning. Unless he's told someone who will witness for you.

A divorce CANNOT be contested unless it can be proven that the court doesn't have jurisdiction, the marriage was never valid, or the marriage has already ended. None of which applies in your case. It cannot be contested simply due to disagreement or disapproval of the divorce itself.

It appears that whether annulment or divorce, financial claims can be lodged and will have to be decided by the courts.

See a solicitor. They can help you decide which course would be faster and less emotional 'hassle' for you.

As far as him saying you should 'support him through this change' that is the most astoundingly selfish thing I have ever heard in my life!!!

You are married to a fetishistic creep. I am so so sorry OP. My ex was an AGP and it is a terrible situation to be in. Please apply for an annulment- I believe you can do it online if in England- right away. He cannot force you to remain in a relationship with him, validating his fetish. Disgusting man. I am so sorry

I'm just shocked that someone can be utterly selfish and this is the first time it's become evedent in 7 years. It's scary to think people can be that self involved and you just don't notice it for the best part of a decade.

You can’t become a woman just because you lop some bits off and stitch some bits on. Give over. He has ridiculous views of women any which way you slice it. Or don’t slice it. Makes no bloody difference. He’s a sexist man who is fucked up and instead of going to therapy and slapping on a dress because he likes them, he’s pretending he’s a “woman”. Dresses don’t make women. Trousers don’t make man.

He has tried to trap you. There's no way this wasn't calculated.

He has been untruthful to you before marriage because he knew he'd have a chance of emotionally manipulating you into staying so he could reap all the benefits of marriage.

Hes broken his end of this contract before it even began.

Im so sorry.

What @MaggieBsBoat said.

This cunt is so fucking deluded that not only does he think he can change sex (he can't) he also thinks that now he's dropped this bombshell on you he has some sort of fucking say in whether you stay together (he doesn't).

You don't have to accept any of this. Stop giving a shit about his feelings/thoughts, he obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about yours.

Annulment probably is the way to go but I would seek a professional opinion from a solicitor. If you can't afford to do that I would start living separate lives asap. Make it clear that you do not accept the new reality that he is trying to force on you.

Well he’s done you over hasn't he.

Given the marriage is so recent, he must have been aware of these “feelings “ before you tied the knot but sought to deceive you and tie you down!
Well two can play at that game.

When you’ve got your head straight, sit him down for a discussion about ending the marriage and deliberately bring up the annulment.

By leading the conversation, get him to confirm verbally that the marriage wasn’t consummated, at the same time recording it on your phone. . Then he’s got no leg to stand on!

Good luck OP how dreadfully sad for you but fight to save your pension.

As he’s been self employed, it’ll be easier to hide earnings so child support may not be as good as it should be.

Did you forget to take your meds? Or are you the ‘husband’ in question?

OP - seek legal advice and get that annulment IMMEDIATELY. Annulment over divorce!!

This is the biggest load of gaslighting crap I've ever read in all my years on mumsnet.

Disgraceful misogyny.

Just because she is trans doesn't mean you owe her anything. I'd say she has known for a while. How dare she marry you though a cruel thing to do.

‘She’! 🤣

Get the annulment process started asap OP.

What a lying piece of shit. I had one of those, it makes you question everything in your relationship.

I also noted the word “brick”. My first thought was that this is a trans-identifying male with a sense of dry self-deprecating humour (joking to himself about not passing) but changed my mind quickly as I have never known those two things to go hand in hand.

But ultimately if we assume the OP is heterosexual the relationship is doomed isn't it?

They are now fundamentally incompatible.

He wants to be a woman. The OP isn't a lesbian. It's just a shame the husband didn't say all this sooner before the marriage.

The husband has said he's only attracted to women and not men.. so I find it hard to believe if the OP decided tomorrow that she'd also like to transition, and become a man, that he'd be happy and accepting of that!

Either you believe him when he says he's a woman, in which case you were married on false pretences, and why would he want to be married to someone who isn't attracted to women if he is one? Or you don't believe he's a woman, in which case why would he want to be married to someone who invalidates his identity?

He's done you a favour not managing one shag post wedding. Grab that annulment and move on. You're under no moral or legal obligation to this man. When two parties enter a contract, and one party does not fulfil their side, the other is not under any obligation to keep theirs.