Annulling marriage as spouse is trans?

[confusedpasty]

Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago. I have been with my now husband for 7 years and prior to the wedding, we honestly had a fantastic relationship. We also have a 14 month old boy. We are best friends and have shared everything together and talked about having more children after the wedding.

Intimacy has trailed off a bit since our baby was born, mostly on my part actually as I haven’t felt in the mood much, but I guess from his side too. Anyway, I thought this was just a phase due to our circumstances and was excited for the wedding.

Slight relevant background - my husband has always been more ‘feminine’ if you can call it that, as in interested in clothes and hair and underwear etc. No problem, loved him for who he was and we got on great.

Fast forward to after the wedding - no sex despite me trying and trying. 12 weeks have now passed since our wedding so I finally sat him down last night and asked what’s going on. He told me that he feels ashamed to admit it, but that deep down he feels he is transgender and his true feelings are that he identifies as a woman and that sex now feels disgusting to him as he’s not behaving like his true self?

Lots of crying and emotion followed - he begged me to support him and stay if he chooses to transition publicly, I feel that I cannot do this. I am torn. He has gone to stay with his mum for a few days whilst I process this.

I know this is a bit of a niche situation, but has anyone out there faced a similar situation? I am considering applying for an annulment, I think this would be fair on the grounds we haven’t consummated the marriage? Husband says he would contest this. I am so, so confused and haven’t yet told anyone in real life.

Has he told his mum what he’s told you? What’s her response?

Either way- he deceived her into marriage. Of course he knew he was gay/trans/etc long before he married her. Why as the victim of deception should OP now make sure that he is okay and put her life on hold.
OP needs to focus on herself and her child, not try and make things all better for the male.

Tell your MIL it’s not a fall out. The marriage is over and you are seeking an annulment.

Ugh can everyone please stop quoting brick joker, it may encourage them back onto this thread. Their (foolish) argument has been robustly unpicked by many already, we don’t need to keep seeing their nonsense throughout the entire thread when it seems they’ve (thankfully) left.

OP, sending you strength. Despite what some (mercifully few) posters are trying to guilt you into, you are not a partially-sentient support biped for the glittery rainbow star of the show no matter how sad he is.

Your own feelings are valid. He has lied to you. Now he is gaslighting you and using his mother to pile on the pressure.

If she doesn’t want to deal with him she can ask him to leave, he’s not your problem though, I’m sure he can find a room to rent somewhere. if I were you I’d ignore her messages and get on with filling out the annulment paperwork.

Till death do us part @BrickJoker? What about "Do you take this man?" Because those will be the words preceeding the part of the vow you quoted. Are you suggesting that OPs husband will be a man until death, regardless of what he himself believes about his identity? That he will always be the husband she married, simply wearing a dress? That his 'transition' does not change the fact OP is married to a man? Because that's really the only way OP could be held to the vow. You can't cherry pick the parts of the words that suit your agenda and ignore those that don't.

Text him asking him about the lack of sex - hopefully he will reply agreeing you haven’t had sex since the marriage and the reason that is he wants to transition. Then you have evidence for court is needed.

Text his mum that you do not want to discuss this at the moment and you are considering your options. Which you need space to do. You could if you feel the need for more evidence ask her what he had told her - if he had mentioned transitioning to her it is more arrows to your quiver.

His problems are not yours. Her problems are also not yours.

I have never read such an abject load of bollocks in my life. JFC she’s an actual person with feelings, and you’re treating her like she has no right to anything other than to affirm absolutely everything about this man who has wholly mistreated her, and make him her entire focus.

He’s gay, he’s attracted to men, but he’s somehow convinced himself that he’s ‘born in the wrong body’, he’s probably always known but totally and utterly disregarded her feelings, and those of her child. These men don’t get to treat women like this and then expect them to fawn all over them as some sort of special beings.

It’s the 21st century and women still have to listen to bollocks like this, I am absolutely gobsmacked.

Oh my gosh I am so sorry that you are going through this I cannot imagine the wave of thoughts and emotions that you are going through right now it’s a lot to process. I do think you should apply for the annulment on the grounds of non consummation and what he has disclosed. I do also think despite empathising with your husband and how difficult this is for him that he is being selfish asking you to stay with him and will contest the annulment as he’s not considering your feelings etc only his own of the fear of what will happen etc once he makes it public. Remember he’s known how he’s been feeling the whole time whereas you have just found out and you didn’t sign up to a marriage with a person who identifies as female etc so it’s not fair to expect you to stay and support. It’s up to you if you chose to support as a ‘friend’ or not but to stay in a fake relationship isn’t good for you or your child. I wish you the best of luck because you have some difficult decisions to make

Can you read? Non consummation is the most usual reason for an annulment, because it means that the marriage has never been ‘confirmed’ by a physical act of intercourse. It was grounds for dissolution since the Middle Ages!

I'm assuming he hasn't told his mum the reason for the 'fall out' then!

What people like Brickjoker seem to avoid is the point that if a man, a father, says he thinks he’s actually a woman, what he’s saying is that he thinks women are a collection of stereotypes, behaviours, mannerisms, clothing and so on. He’s saying that women’s global oppression is because of these things and nothing to do with biological reality or men’s desire to control women because of their reproductive role; he’s saying that being a woman is an identity.

If my OH came to me with this statement, it would be akin to him saying he’d been reading Mein Kampf and now he thinks Hitler had a point. It’s a fundamental incompatibility in beliefs and values which I would never have tolerated if I’d known about them. @confusedpasty I’m sorry this is happening to you. Do what you need to do- protect your assets and your own mental health. You can’t get a divorce within a year of the marriage so I would certainly look into annulment.

FFS! It’s not about not having sex! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Her husband deliberately manipulated her into getting married by pretending to be her ‘best friend’ and now he expects her to carry on the pretence solely for his benefit, so that he's free to do whatever shit he wants to without suspicion.

Why should she remain tied to a man like that?

If his name is on the lease he has a right to come back although you can refuse to share a bed of course. Does his mum know the background? I'd also be very upset if my son was so sissy-porn sick he wanted to transition and blow up his marriage.

You can go for the annulment without consent and I'd start the ball rolling on Tuesday. Even if he backtracks, I'd never trust he wouldn't pull this again in future.

Oh gosh OP. Then even more reason to pursue annulment.

Honestky I wish the risks of marriage were better explained to women, from a financial POV.

This is a bit of a shitty post honestly. Really crap to suggest that an attachment to "traditional male/female roles" is why OP would want out of this marriage. Trying to make her sound hidebound and regressive. I doubt that's why at all.

My marriage does not have "traditional male/female roles" at all but my attraction to my husband is based on sex characteristics like his voice, physicality, and if he started performing "femininity" (which is about the most regressive thing you can do as regards gender btw) I would not find him attractive, honestly I would find him ridiculous. That's putting aside the deceit and this man's massive sense of entitlement.

And LOL at "I'm a psychologist so I'm self-aware." Sounds a bit egotistical but maybe you're right. You don't, however, come across as very aware as regards other people.

He can find his own place to stay like an adult then. Not your problem.

I’m so sorry. He should never have went through with the wedding.

It is really poor of him to expect you to support him through the transition that has ruined your life. He is clearly not thinking with clarity right now, hopefully some time with his mum will help him see how unfair he is being. you need to stick to your boundaries and file for divorce or annulment as soon as possible, as there is honestly no coming back from this unless you want a woman for a partner and are prepared to go through the change process with DH.
how terrible for you OP, so close to your wedding. Sending you hugs .

I know, I have been on FWR for years, so not sure why you're telling me that.

I was asking about a GRC because of the spousal escape clause.

I was wondering whether he agreed with GC women that women are female or whether he's a "womanly essence" type as it might affect how you talk about it with him and what you might expect from him in the process of getting away from him.

Yet another entitled man thinking he can use a woman as a prop in the stage of his life. Just divorce. Or you can also annual in grounds of immaturity, why did he wait until you were married to reveal his true self.

Let him get on with his journey, without making it your journey too.

@Sapana

Indeed. Even five crusty old judges know, that people aren't sexually attracted to a certificate.

@confusedpasty

We probably all sound a bit alarmist, but that's because we're worried that you might feel you should make an effort to salvage the relationship when in fact it does not exist as you thought.

By all means be a good friend and respectful co-parent of your ex, but do prioritise your own happiness.

@Brickjoker You seem to forget that first and foremost marriage is a legal contract and if one party misrepresents their part, the contract is not valid, hence annulment. OP - I don't know whether annulment or divorce would be best for your situation but I wish you all the best in navigating this painful situation. Make sure you get legal advice and do what is best for you and your child.