I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

Have an open and honest conversation with him. Explain that you're hearing his wishes but he needs to understand yours. Outline your preferred timeline for engagement, marriage, kids etc., point out the dealbreakers for you (eg marriage before pregnancy) and take it from there and see how he reacts. Don't compromise your values because of his desperation or past trauma.

That’s nice, but it’s not enough to build a successful relationship on.

Relationships succeed or fail based on how well couples are able to handle disagreement. How well you get on when things are easy, is not an indicator of whether a relationship will last.

Read ‘Seven principles of a successful marriage’. It’s all based on solid relationship research and it’s excellent for assessing your own relationship.

And this man is full of red flags. Abusers reel women in by telling them how much they have in common and then try to quickly progress the relationship, including using pregnancy and children to trap women. I’m not saying Thats definitely who he is. But it is a realistic possibility.

At the end of the day what you should do is easy to decide. It’s a simple question of whether you think he is more important than you. Because he’s asking you to ignore what you want to give him what he wants. If you think you matter, you’ll hold firm. If you don’t and you give in and he is an abuser, he’ll know he’s found his next long term victim.

So the central premise is that he’s selfish and greedy. He wants what he wants whether you are ready or not.
What are his parents like, is he close with them?

Have you discussed how many children?
How to fund mat leave/nursery fees?
How to divvy up childcare/nursery runs?
Breast or formula?
How to divvy up housework on mat leave then after?

What about the baby related dip in your sex drive, and the broken sleep?

The above questions are pressure points in the strongest relationships. Talk them through. There are men who want you to bottle feed so they can take control from the get go. Men who think that pat and mat leave is for them to have a jolly and celebrate being a dad, while you do baby duties and housework instead of physically recovering from pregnancy and birth. Men who think that you do everything in the house and with the baby because they are earning, and don’t share their money etc etc.

Good Fathers are not bad husbands. Sorry, but unhappy Mothers are not good for kids. A good Father is a good husband as he knows a happy family is good for his kids.

A Father who sees kids as his possessions and right, will treat the Mother badly.

OP, are you even sure he is telling the truth about his last marriage? Can you verify it from independent sources? Abusers lie about their past relationships, blaming past partners. If he is an abuser, he’s created a lie to pressure you into giving him what you want.

@Continualloop nails it

He won’t marry you unless you have a baby for him. Read that back a few times and think about what that actually means. He doesn’t want to marry you because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. This is transactional. Don’t do it. Leave him and find someone who is on the same page as you.

It's now the 'what', it's the 'how' that's what's off. It's important.

When I was dating I was in my 30s just before meeting DP, I had to be quite clear quite soon that I'd be wanting a family in fairly short order because of my age. If that wasn't for them that's fine and best wishes. I was looking for someone compatible. What I wasn't doing wasn't pressuring them and making my urgency their problem at such an early stage. They were either in or they weren't on their own terms. My DP was in, he understood biology and once we had cleared up each other's priorities, we put that to one side and got with getting to know each other. I think that was fairly reasonable on both sides.

Your partner has done nothing but nag and pressure you on his priority topic. What is he offering you? Good sex? Not worth it.

Don’t be pressured into anything OP. Once your kids come along it’s a very different life/relationship, you rush straight into the no sleep/career hit/ parenting grind. At your age you could be with someone who wants to take the time to have some life experiences first (work/travel/socialising etc) he might be better off with a thirty something woman who is also very ready for kids. I would also worry he wanted me as a baby maker rather than a life partner.

His trauma isn't your issue or problem.

Don't revolve your life around him and his needs. He shouldn't be pushing you into this! He sounds very entitled!

Yeah, he knows he wants and at least is honest. You don’t want that yet though, so it can’t work. Let him find someone else who is at the same stage - at 40 plus I do understand why he wants to get moving on the family.

THIS!

I would be very suspicious about his side of the story regarding his ex. Perhaps she didn’t want children with him. Perhaps he’s lying about the whole thing just to get what he wants.

You need to step back and stop making ‘trauma’ excuses on his behalf. It is not our job to be our partners therapist and rescue them.

Mature, caring and decent people do not pressure or try to manipulate their partners.

Your judgement sounds very naive and clouded by your perceptions of your friends’ relationship experiences till now.

This man is almost a generation older than you, especially if by late 20’s you actually mean 26/27y. He has a lot more experience at manipulating women and I expect he can sense your desperation - to find and hold onto a man - a mile off. Don’t be reeled in, you sound lovely, but lacking experience with this sort of man.

Honestly, you really should consider throwing this one back - you are definitely young enough to find a better, kinder specimen who won’t be pressuring you.

The reason you feel unsettled is because this IS unsettling and controlling behaviour. He knows what he’s doing.

Thats not true at all. There are many reasons a co-parent might be discontent with the romantic relationship. Their unhappiness with that doesnt mean the other is a bad parent.

Or did you mean this only applies to the mother? So if the man doesnt sacrifice his own happiness for his wife's,he's a bad dad?

When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before

This is not a healthy response from him OP. You are right to note that he is maybe experiencing some trauma over his past experience, but the crucial thing is that fixing that trauma is not your responsibility. It cannot be, and it should not be. Your own reproductive choices are yours and are precious, nobody else should make you feel pressured over this. I think he needs to get this issue in his own mind in perspective before a serious relationship.

Sorry OP but this screams abuser to me.

It's a well known pattern of a subset of abusive men to love bomb a woman, get her pregnant early then become abusive once they feel she's committed and trapped.

OP says previous relationships have not been good. It's also a pattern for abused people to go from one abusive relationship to another because they haven't got the confidence to know their boundaries are valid, to stop bad behaviour early and if necessary walk away.

OP is here asking if it's OK for her to say no to to her partner telling her she must do something extremely serious and life changing for him that crosses one of her boundaries (baby early without marriage). This is two red flags: first that he is asking at all, and secondly that she isn't sure it's reasonable for her to say no.

It's also a pattern of abuse to claim some sort of mental trauma or distress that means the victim has to walk on eggshells to avoid "making it worse". Everything gets flipped on to her as unreasonable because the victim is making the abuser feel sadder or feel worthless or more depressed or whatever. The abuser doesn't take responsibility for their own mental health, just blames the victim for never getting it right. And this can be true even if the mental health issue itself is real.

OP, I think this man is bad news. Assert your boundaries and tell him No. How he deals with that will tell you if you can trust him.

If he continues to pressurise you, to tell you your concerns aren't valid (they are! ) or to guilt trip you that you are making his trauma worse run the hell away and don't look back.

Even if he does none of these things and you decide to stay, don't ever compromise on when you are ready to commit your body to pregnancy and the rest of your life to motherhood, because once you are pregnant he can change or walk away but you are a mother to his child forever.

Exactly!

If he is not willing to compromise by marrying you before having a baby, this suggests it is the baby that is important. He doesn't want the risk of marrying someone who is infertile, for instance. Your fertility is more important than you are.

I would not have a child outside of marriage, and I would not compromise on that anyway, so whatever his reasons, we would be incompatible due to a basic mismatch of values.

Think very carefully, and look into why keeping a six month relationship is so important that you are willing to compromise your values and financial stability.

Have you had hard times together yet ? Holidays? It sounds like he wants a baby ansnit May not matter who with, he may have serious trust issues but saying what he's saying shows he is carrying that which means he has baggage.

He's asking you to take all the risks while he is taking none.

You are young and not in a rush, he is - it's you who has the upper hand here - he's trying to change that dynamic. Like so many others on this thread, this is screaming 'controller' to me...

Do what takes best care of yourself.

All of this.

Lord. I never said anything which you are arguing against.

I did not mention incompatible spouses or any such like. I talked specifically about bad Husbands. That is those who behave in ways that actively makes them bad husbands because they make their wives miserable through manifestly unreasonable behaviour and don't care..

And don't try that ridiculous - 'if the sexes were reversed' crap on me. It should be blatantly obvious from my argument that my position would be the same. But this thread and my reply was, unremarkably, in this context.

True. And he can't hold new partners responsible for the actions of his ex - rather like just because my first husband cheated, it would be wrong to tell my new husband we can't go to the pub without me!

I haven't met the parent yet, he is from the US, so heading there in summer to meet them.
We discussed this questions and our views align fully on everything except of the issues I mentioned in my OP.

How can I be sure? I checked social networks and found his ex wife accounts. She seems to in a relationship but no kid in pics or mentions and she is like very late 30ies by now, so maybe truly child free as he claims.

Yes exactly, I fully understand that life will rotate around kids and I am not ready for that just yet. I want to travel around a bit, see the world. Asia, America etc, I am lucky enough to have well paying job so can afford.