I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

Have you had many relationships? You sound pretty naive - you don't want to lose him after 6 months because you have things in common and he's nice to you, despite the red flags?

You won’t see it right now but that age difference means a huge power imbalance.

And it might seem ok now but in 10 years the age gap will seem massive as he hits his 50’s

The title of your OP is 'feel pressured'. He shouldn't be pressuring you.

late 20ies,so those clock starting ticking as well. Also so many of my gfs who are gorgeous, intelligent, well travelled etc struggle to find a guy to start a family, so I am aware of that as well. Took me quite a some time to meet this guy after my break up. Went on so many dates but couldn't click with anyone

I would say I didn't have many good ones:)
What is the red flag here? That a person doesn't want to make the same mistake twice and conscious about his age?
Yes he is bringing it up a bit too early for my taste, but at the same time i kinda get it why given his previous experience

Late 20s is nowhere near the age when your fertility clock starts ticking!

Did he tell you that?

One of you will need to compromise. But your only 6 months in! Just enjoy dating and see what happens later. He needs to chill and if he still has trauma that’s his issue to sort out not yours. Has he had therapy? His ex lied and tricked him. But your feelings matter too he needs to see it from your perspective.

After six months you hardly know him Op. You see posts on here from women who were desperate for a baby so settled for a man just to have a DC, don't you want a man whose mad about you and wants to marry you. You still have a good decade before your time runs out to have a DC, give it a couple of years and see how you feel

No, the main red flag is his wanting to get you pregnant prior to marriage.

The other one is the speed at which he's trying to move the relationship forward.

I think the age difference is also something which should give you pause.

Dump, he wants a baby machine not a wife.

But seriously a man who tries to pressure you into doing anything is not a good man.

You need to have a serious talk, you are not ready for an engagement or baby and that is not negotiable. You also want to be married before having a baby. If he is not willing to do that then walk away

Another thing: if you became pregnant right now, your boyfriend would be 55 when your child was starting secondary school.

Are you okay with that? And he'd be over 60 before your child left school............

You don't know him at 6months, give it 2 years because I suspect you might feel differently. If he cared for you he would want what is best for you. That's a longer relationship to get to know each other and marriage so you are not vulnerable. Never ever rush a decision to have a baby.

Maybe she realised she did not want to have children with him

Agree with this.

he said he was in a therapy for 2 years.. I guess he still has trust issues

No, my mum

I think you are at different stages of life sadly. And on top of that he is - well, a bit desperate which doesn't make for good decision making or a reasonable perspective. If you get pregnant then for some reason he decides not to marry you after all that's a lot more for you tondwal with than him, and someone with a steady, balanced outlook would hopefully understand that and not ask it of someone. But worse than that, basically he's telling you that if you don''t get pregnant on his timeline, he wants to be able to dump you without repercussions and go on to look for the next womb.

In other words, he wouldn't be marrying you for you.

I do also doubt that your boyfriend's account of the ending of his marriage is the real reason that that marriage failed.

These men can't take responsibility for anything. It's easier for them to blame their wives.

The things you like about him…..

what about being kind, caring, honest, decent.
what about having compatible financial goals / attitudes?
what about similar ideas of parenting?
a shared view of how the next 20 years of your lives will look?
similar morals? Similar values?

being able to talk to him is great but without the above (and more) you will be pregnant and then screwed.

So you may be good enough to carry his child for him, but not good enough to wear his wedding ring.

and I suspect he expects his name put on the child's birth certificate...

Does your mum think you should have a baby with this man? Without marriage?

And they’re his issues not yours.

You're not an unpaid support human for a man with issues - his hang ups should be left in the past not used to coerce the next woman.

OP, I’m your man in this situation - ex changed his mind on kids and it was a huge shock. So I understand where his anxiety is coming from. I think just reassure him you do see you two together long term, that you want kids to be part of that - in not a crazy long timeframe that means it would be biologically impossible - but that marriage it’s important for you first. I’d say basically try and meet him at his anxiety and reassure him, but don’t make a huge jump you aren’t ready for

ps mumsnet is vicious towards men, so this could have had different reactions if it was the other way round gender wise

You don't need to compromise on something this important. It doesn't sound like your bf is up for compromising anyway. He wants you pregnant before marriage.
How can you be sure he will continue the relationship and marry you once you have a baby with him?

I can't see where there is compromise to be had here.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time, and wanting to be married before having a child. In fact it's sensible, marriage protects the woman.

If a man doesn't understand and want to offer that, do you really want to continue with him?

PS mumsnet is vicious towards men, so this could have had different reactions if it was the other way round gender-wise

You mean sex-wise.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time, and wanting to be married before having a child. In fact it's sensible, marriage protects the woman.

Exactly this.

If a man doesn't understand and want to offer that, do you really want to continue with him?

Do you, @PoliteEagle?

Women start families much older now than they did in your mum's day.

I don't know your mum obviously but there's a number of reasons a mother might encourage a daughter to provide a grandchild start a family asap.