I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

You don’t seem to realise that people will be lovely to you WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM YOU.

After only six months you really don’t know him well enough to know whether he is sincere about his feelings for you or it’s all an act to simply make you have his baby.

I expect he earns well and because he is older, has more interesting tales about life than men your own age have. That appeal will wear off when he’s a grumpy 50 year old getting impatient with young children and your still a vivacious young woman who now begrudges being with him.

Sometimes you do have to consider the future and it really will all end in tears based on the information about him and yourself that you have provided.

so you think at 41 his ship of having kids has already sailed?

I would chuck him and start looking for someone your own age. You sound quite naive if I'm honest and I don't want you wasting time on this man. You want love, a family, the whole package. Not someone trying to desperately push through a deal. If he was approaching this in good faith with a family as a priority as well as love, fine but I don't get that impression. I think he's a mess And that will become apparent in many ways.

No but the way he's approached this is oddly and rings alarm bells. Let him be someone else's problem. Remember you're stuck with him forever.

At 41 his ship hasn't sailed, but he figures if he dates a lady of 41 then her chances are less.

hence him dating someone much younger !

he knows you could produce several children...

I’d be concerned that once the child was born that he would decide he didn’t want to commit to you after all. Don’t be pressured into something you don’t want to do, also, you have plenty of time to meet someone else.

sorry to hear that :( and yes i've heard myself many stories of women being stung along that family and kids is on the card and then it is never happening till a woman realised that after wasting several years of her life on a guy.
I definitely see where he is coming from.

Another story is my friend was also on quick timeline in her very early 30ies, due to medical reason. She met a guy, started dating, explained him a situation that she has no time to waste, he understood and they started trying for a baby within first year, agreeing to get married if this pregnancy happens. This would be a 2nd marriage for my friend, so she was not in a rush. First marriage was the same situation as yours, husband didn't want kids but hid it for 5 years.

People may call me naïve but life is not black and white. Different situation happen with different outcomes.

I dont think I need to wait 2-3 years to understand whether it is a right person for me. 6 months is a bit yearly, but i think 12 m would be optimal. I am not getting any younger myself and dating pool is gonna shrink further with age.

It's the age difference that would worry me TBH.
Seems like nothing now but 12 or 13 years when you are older yourself can be a massive difference. Men do not age well in general. Retirement and slowing-up comes when you are still very much in your prime if you have a large age gap.
For example I am now 49. The thought of being intimate with someone aged 61 or 62 is a complete ick to me.

I see your point, but we met in professional environment (not online) so it is not like he intentionally swiped on someone much younger. He looks quite young as well. I actually though he is in his mid 30ies when met.

Yes, that concerns me as well. I want to have a proper family, But he also said we can get married before the birth.

But then if he brokes his promise, it is not like I am gonna terminate.

I really dont like this part. Sounds and feels like a making a deal. I am not sure whether it is due to him being traumatised that much or he doesnt have strong feeling toward me he claims to have. This is unsettling.

age difference might become a problem. As of now he looks 5-7 years younger, but who knows whats gonna happen in 10 years

I hate to be blunt, but I was pressured into getting pregnant very quickly by a man who was desperate to become a dad. What I didn't know at the time was this; He wanted a baby, not a baby mama! Even though we did get married, he was a terrible husband. I was simply the incubator. Don't do it!

Was he a good father?

Right, so you barely know him and he's pressuring you into having a baby without being married.

Clue: he'll never marry you.

Tell him you will have a child without getting married but it will have your surname.

Also, if he was kind and thoughtful he would not pressure you. Bad habits in first 6 months will only get worse...

He doesn’t have ‘trauma’.

You keep saying how unsettling the situation is.

Trust this feeling - it's your intuition, instinct. Your gut feeling.
It's a warning. Take notice of it!

DH (does this stand for D?!k head?!) isolates me. Only thinks about himself. The older we get the more selfish he becomes. He lied about plans before we tied the knot and now four children in, living a life unexpected, I can’t get out. I won’t leave my children and I resent him. Anyone else feel the same? Too busy to make friends as my children take up all my time while he behaves care free and popular.

A man who wants you to get pregnant before you get married because he doesn't trust you to keep your word about children is not a man you should have anything much to do with. Just how many babies is he thinking you should have before he deigns to marry you? Just because he dithered round till his early forties without having children doesn't mean you are obliged to have children outside marriage and without the legal protection marriage would give you. I'm sorry but if a man I'd known 6 months and who is nearly 20 years older than me had proposed this deal to me, I'd hardly be able to walk out the door with hysterical laughter at his utter gall. When you'd finally had these children, what incentive would he have to marry you? You might have stetchmarked yourself for nothing.

Do you really want to be in your forties when he is in his 60s? You're only late twenties and, yes, I understand that it's not easy to find a good quality man but you do have time.

Most people who get married want to have a few childfree years with trips, eating out, great holidays and lazy weekend lie-ins instead of having to pee on a stick in the hope he might marry you. I say this as somebody who got married at 29 to a man three years older than me, had two children in my thirties, and have been married for over 30 years to somebody wonderful. I don't think your boyfriend is even close to acceptable let alone wonderful.

You need to run for the hills as fast as you can.

He doesn’t love you; he wants a walking incubator. Sick, sick, sick.

He was Mr Wonderful until after four people were conceived?? I bet.

I’m on his side. I also want kids and have told my partner that unless we have one I won’t marry him. The house is in my name and after seeing my mum get screwed over I won’t marry him without a child there: that way there’s a clause that if he leaves our child gets everything and he doesn’t take half of my house. He shouldn’t be pressuring you though 6 months is nothing.

Op, the red flag might not be him wanting a baby (and not a wife), it could be him wanting control.

It's easy for him to love bomb and be most charming for the early months of the relationship, but over time the real person will emerge. One you might not like so much.

Pregnant you is a vulnerable you. And with a baby, you are dependent on and tied to this person. It's so much harder to walk away and you would have a child that you share even if you left.

If you've read many threads on here you will know that many women wind up forever linked to unpleasant men who control them through their children.

A good man wouldn't apply guilt, pressure and ultimatums.

You're in your late twenties? Oh no way, you must not let him rule your life like this. What he wants is absolutely outrageous. He's trying to clip your wings and tie you to him for life when you hardly know him. Don't even think about having a baby with him. Dump him and enjoy looking for someone new.

Perhaps the previous partner realised what he is and then realised no way did she want to be tied to him via kids.

Sjag do you know about his past? Have you done a Claire's law?

A lot of red flags for this much pressure in a relationship which is very early.

I also had kids when not married. The law is very different to unmarried so agree totally with advice on no ring, no kids