I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

No man with the mindset that women are incubators can be a good father. I don’t know whether it’s worse for a son or a daughter that those values might be taught to them.

Ditch! I’ve got one of these and it’s been really difficult- you’re heading for trauma for you and any DC you might have. Keep looking there’s better out there!

Yes but if he said he'd get married then that would still push her into a marriage she's not ready for with a man who wants her children more than he wants her. She doesn't know him well enough and what this much older stranger is demonstrating is that he's already controlling and demanding.

The concern is that his worries about not having kids may be his main reason for the relationship rather than because it’s you he wants to be with.

ypu need to be honest, tell him you understand he had a difficult time but you need time to get to know each other and make sure the relationship is right. It’s too soon to tell, you need to focus on getting to know each other and making sure the relationship is strong before bringing kids in.

. Do you want to be married before you have kids? if so shareyour expectations too.

lif doesn’t come with guarantees though, you or he may not be able to have children or some life event may happen to delay things he needs to accept the uncertainty .

it’s hard to know if he’s panicking because his previous relationship has messed him up (in which case you can’t truely know he’s with you for the right reasons) or he is generally a pushy domineering person (which could be why ex walked away)

Id seriously think about if this relationship is worth it, at this stage it should all be about dating and romance and sex. If you decide it is suggest he gets therapy to help him grieve the loss of his marriage and potential family and move forward. Until he does that you can’t truely know if he’s with you for the right reasons.

OP, don’t do it. In my late twenties I got married after six months to a man who was 40, and quickly had kids. It is the biggest regret of my life not listening to my inner alarm bells then.

Listen to what he’s saying closely. It is all about what he needs and structured around his neuroses. You feel guilty and responsible for his life outcomes. But the biggest of all tells — and numerous ofher woman would agree on this — is that he’s rupturing and controlling the pace of the relationship. I bet my house he’s a bad one OP.

So what happens if it turns out you can’t have children for any number of reasons ? He will cut and run . This sounds more like a business transaction than a loving relationship . Fuck this op you can do better. You owe him nothing . Get rid .

Listen to your intuition. You know what you want to do. Any stranger can comment. It is your life, does it feel long term? Ask yourself first and foremost.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it but studies show a link between older fathers (over 40) and having children with additional needs due to the deterioration of sperm leading to genetic mutations (broadly speaking). Have you and your partner discussed this possibility? It sounds like he has a very specific idea in his head about what he wants, can you trust that if you do have a child with additional needs that he'll be there, through thick and thin? What if the child's needs are such that one of you will have to give up work to take care of them? Presumably he's so desperate to be a dad that he would willingly do that? If not, what happens when you give up work, he refuses to marry you and then he fucks off because fatherhood wasn't what he expected and you're left with nothing?

I think you need to get out of this relationship. He’s trying to control you. Don’t compromise

Consciously or not maybe he just wants to “cock a snoot” at his ex. Maybe he wants to bolster his ego?

“Look what I can do” thumbing his nose at her.

Don’t even go there without marriage.
Stand firm on your boundaries,

Also it will be hard to listen to your intuition, because he’s trying to scramble its messages.

Reread this.
It's nuts.

The lack of security is crazy
There are so many "bad outcomes" i can think of.

You stay together/ he stays but he refuses to contribute to childcare.
You stay together/ he stays but you have to fund your own mat leave.

I would not want to be raising a child solo in my late 20s / early 30s.

Who do think will be resident parent? And then who will need to foot the childcare bill ( 1.5-2k pm net for ft care where I live...that includes gov subsidy!)

The level of financial insecurity he is asking you to take is crazy.

A child can be his non negotiable (hell anything can) but marriage preconception should be yours.

Before marriage or children in whatever order, you need to be able to discuss things honestly and fairly. I'd have a proper chat with him and say: I am not your ex. I don't share her values and I need you to see me for who I am. I would never have children outside of marriage. Stability is important to me.
See how he responds.

If you earn more and have more assets than him DO NOT marry and if you have a baby DO NOT compromise one iota of your financial independence.

But anyway toss this one bavk, he wants a uterus, not a partner

It sounds like he doesnt want to be messed around again, but you aren't ready for what he wants so it's a no go. I don't think there is anything wrong with what he's asking, though. Especially if you are independent

You don’t need to end it OP, just tell him to slow down, and be clear that marriage comes before babies. If he won’t respect this, then you have your answer

If he doesn’t trust you not to marry him and then renege on having kids, he shouldn’t be having a kid with you.

That a fortysomething man is pressuring a very naive twentysomething woman into having a child with him when she barely knows him!

Let's remind ourselves that lots of women in their late thirties and forties have a similar approach to conception. I meet them all the time.

He’s not a nice man, my husband wanted kids I ummed and ahhed about it. It took me almost a decade to agree to have a child. He still married me first. You shouldn’t be asked to earn marriage with a child. You are still in your 20’s plenty of fish in the sea for you.

Agree with this completely, it’s not a good basis for marriage.

Is she very naive? The other day people were saying that 21 year olds aren't very naive at all and its fine if they want to be with 45 year olds.

From a financial perspective it isn’t safe to have kids before you are married. I mean why can’t you do a quicks registry office wedding then have kids. Is he actually waiting to see if you are fertile or something?

What if you're more wealthy than the man? What if you're both broke?

Getting pregnant within 12 months of knowing him is not optimal, @PoliteEagle . Around the 2 year mark is the time when you really start to know the other person and see their shadow side, which we all have. I just ended a relationship of almost 2 years because I saw something I can't unsee. I had felt we would be together for the rest of our lives without a doubt.

The push from this man for you to get pregnant ASAP is a giant red flag and the statement that marriage will come later is the red flag bunting. He sounds like a child who won't stop pestering until he gets what he wants. He does not care at all about what's right for you.