I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

maybe try to open your own thread as mine has nothing to do with your issue?

🤣🤣🤣

But why wait and see if he replies ti your friend on tinder? I would have thought the fact he’s trying to find a new girlfriend is clear just from having an active profile on the site.

Op sorry to hear and not surprised. Glad you came face to face the truth before you invested more. He was a bad egg. Did you end it with him?

No

I met with him today for a lunch. Pretended that I forgot my phone in the office and asked his to make a call. I snooped a bit and I didn't see tinder or any other dating app installed. Does he have a second phone for this?
I then casually asked him whether he was on apps before we met. He said yes he was, but once we met he abandoned them.
I haven't brought it up yet that my friend seen his profile.
Several options here
He either had the profile and then abandoned the apps indeed just didn't bother to delete his profile/just deleted the app itself.
He is on tinder and will lie and say he wasn't aware his profile is active or whatever other lie
He will come clean (unlikely)
Now how to understand whether it is just an old profile or he is out there actively searching. My friend hasn't matched with him yet. Tinder doesn't really show when the person was last time active, does it?
I haven't brought it up yet because I wanna see if he will like my friend.
If there is no option no find out otherwise, I am only left with telling him that my friend saw his profile and gauge his reaction.

Obiv he can just install / uninstall the app each time he wants to use it. Or even prefers to use his laptop for it ?

When is the holiday due ?
I expect you are going on it.

Stop thinking about it. He's not offering what you want, so you need to dump him. If you want to stay with him for a bit of fun great, but apart from STDs you don't need to worry too much about whether he's faithful or not - he's not your husband and he's explicitly said he won't be on any sane terms. So you can't expect him to be exclusive.

He may have a hidden folder OP. Not sure I understand why your friend hasn’t just liked his profile yet, as if she doesn’t that he’s more likely to see it?

TBF...he's been nothing but hassle so far.

Red/yellow flags galore.

I couldn't be arsed with all that.

If a man doesn't make me feel secure, respected and at peace, there's no point dating him.

This all sounds a bit hard work for a relatively new relationship, don’t you think? And I don’t like the fact that he said he wouldn’t pressure you anymore but then had a PA/gaslighting swipe at you by saying it’s only him compromising…. I would tread carefully.

You should just dump this guy.
You aren't on the same page regarding starting a family. He's very pushy. It's far too soon. You feel "pressured" so that's a very bad sign.
He is clear he wants a family ASAP so you should end things with him so that he can find someone else who is sure they want a family with him.

And now there's this tinder stuff. He might not be using it any more but you still doubted him when your friend said she saw the profile so that means you don't trust him.

Also, there's the age gap too. He's a lot older than you. Age gap relationships can and do work but everything else needs to be top notch, so no other issues, large or small, to deal with. Here you've got an age gap, pressure to start a family and tinder.