I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

Hmmm so he wants the commitment of a baby, but not the commitment of marriage, just in case you have different values etc. That is a very big red flag, and you would be putting yourself on very insecure ground.

Do not have a baby with him until you are married, and let him wait until YOU are ready.

I can’t believe you’re thinking like this in your late twenties. I had my two at 40 and 43 - I know I’m lucky - but crikey, if someone had expected me to commit to kids either way after 6 months in my late twenties I’d have thought there was something very weird about them.

He has clearly shown you and told you that your existence in his life is to have kids. No kids, no marriage = manipulation.

How do you even know you can have kids? You’re so young you’re just assuming things will be fine. Life throws curveballs and you need a partner to help you navigate them.

Seriously, look for a man who will stand by you for YOU. Someone you know will marry you even if you can’t have children, someone who’ll stand by you through your heartache.

Remember that the man you choose as the parent of your child will be the person who models values to them. Do you want your daughter seeing her father ‘conditionally’ love her mother? Do you want her to think this is normal? Would you be happy if your daughter was in your shoes now?

If you don’t have thoughts on these questions then you need to do a bit more living to gain experience before you have kids.

One of the biggest decisions you’ll make in your life is choosing the right father for your children. Don’t fuck it up, because you will be tied to him for your whole life and worse than that, so will they.

Edited for typo

I am not sure re abuser pattern here. I came across guys displaying narcissictic and similar behaviors earlier. Around 3 months in I could see through them. I think it is hard to pretend longer than that? Maybe a year max till the mask fells off?
He is a bit pushy yes, but he works in sales, I guess you need to have pushy character to succeed there?
Thats the only issue we have, our values align on other things. So far hasn't noticed anything else what would cause my bell ringing.

So why on earth would you tie yourself to a man 10/15 years your senior who is desperate for kids and has chosen a younger woman deliberately to deliver that desire.

The fact he’s from the US is another concern - what if he decides to move back home with kids whether you want it or not?

Can you really not see the huge red flags here?

Get out, live your life, travel - don’t settle for an older man who is on a completely different life stage

No way. I would not have kids with a man who was pressuring me like this, especially if he was pressuring me to do so before marriage. If he was a nice man he wouldn't be doing this, and his personal 'trauma' is not actually your fault.

He can father a child into his 80’s if he’s stays fit and active.

Won’t marry you but wants you to be some sort of brood mare. FUCK THAT.

You are so right, that why I want a wait a little bit, to get to know him better. He seems to be okay to wait for a year but no longer than that.
At the same time if I dump him after a year, I would feel myself really bad, as he would be even older and have to start everything from scratch. At the same time for men it is easier to start a search at 43 to start a family than for a woman, due to biology.

You say you got kids quite late in the life. Did you also rush to get them sooner in a new relationship if you dont mind me asking? How it is all played out for you?

Also, what if you can’t have kids? Are you faulty so he’ll never marry you? Great catch.

A marriage is relatively easy to undo if things don't work out but a baby is forever. Don't allow yourself to be pressured to have a child before you're ready, this man could vanish and leave you holding the baby. A good man would not pressure you. It's your life and body on the line.

It’s very easy for a man to start again at 43 to have a family. I’m a bit concerned that his panic to have kids is about him “leaving a legacy” rather than having a family - there are some men who are like that, and guess who ends up holding the baby…

A year would be long enough to wait if you’d spent that year living and loving each other and finally felt ready to talk about kids. That’s not your case. Your entire relationship is already revolving around his wants.

It’s quite frustrating actually. You are literally young enough, with freedom and so many options, and you are sleepwalking into a disastrous situation.

The fact you are thinking like this, at your age, is WRONG. Dump him. Don’t waste another six months of your precious life on him. Go find a man matched to your life experiences and have fun and grow with him. Then joyfully raise a family with him that grew out of love. Save yourself.

DO NOT get pregnant when just engaged. Wait until you are legally married to even contemplate getting pregnant. You have no legal protection.

also, what if you have fertility issues. Will he just ditch you?

*lose

Not the original poster but I had my kids late.
I did not rush having my first but we did crack on the dc2 because ... fertility....

I was 34 and a bit when we met...

We dated for a year then Moved in... by 2 years we were buying/ completing on house .
2.5 yrs engaged
3 yrs married
4.5 years in DC1 arrived.
6 / 6.5 years later DC2

I was clear I was not up for doing ivf - iui yes but not ivf
And I wanted to be married before children despite being the higher earner.
And we were agreed if we couldn't have kids naturally(ish) then we'd be child free and that would be it.

One point - what if you arent fertile / cannot have children is he going to insist on ivf? When will you stop? It is very hard on the body...
Will he leave you if you cant have kids???

It's all seems very much on his terms- hes within his rights to want what he wants but so are you.
And He wants you to give a lot without giving much back...

I wonder if you are actually the right woman for him OP? Have you let him know exactly how you see your next 5 years or so ideally panning out - travel, maybe buying a home, developing your career. Then perhaps trying for kids at say, 31 or 32?

That doesn't actually sound as though it works for him. If he was a 38-year-old woman on mumsnet with a boyfriend in his late 20s with those plans, its obvious what the answer should be - if you really love him you can stay with him but you probably wont get children. He's in a better position, but it may truly not be right for him, which would be sad but it would be right to let him go in that case.

Ok so your bf probably could become a father in 5 years time but he is entitled to hope for it to be sooner. Which it could be if he dated a woman at the same life stage as him (obviously no guarantees anywhere in all this)

He has to decide if he loves you for you, and is so smitten that he will take the risk on your joint fertility and sees himself marrying you anyway and sharing the next adventurous years with you. Or if he really needs someone whose timelines are more aligned with his - to enable him to go all-in marriage and ttc soon, together.

As it is, he seems to be feeling the universe should provide him with a young fertile wife to replace the one that the universe cruelly tricked him out of.

It is horrible for him , if that's indeed what his wife did, but it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE, IT IS VERY MUCH HIS.

Basically if he is still seeing it as "trauma" he needs to get that attitude/issue fixed or he cannot relate healthily to another woman (you or anyone else)

You need to be having honest and clear communication about this.

Tell him you understand that his past may make him react a certain way and make him nervous but this is a separate relationship and you are not his ex.

Let him know that children are something you want but you don’t want to be pressured too soon just because of his past.

If a wedding first is important to you (which legally it should be if you’re going to have children.) Do not be afraid to make that known.

You shouldn’t have to do anything before you’re ready just to try and keep him. If he’s worth it and truly wants to be with you he’ll be willing to listen and compromise.

I recently went on a days training on spotting abusive relationships, including a talk by a woman who had spent 23 year years in one. Here are frequent patterns your relationship is hitting:

• Age gap relationship where the man is older.
• The man matching the woman's interests and views, so that the woman thinks they have so much in common and are so compatible
• Speaks negatively about previous partners so that problems in previous relationships are his previous partner's fault.
• He wants to progress things really quickly ( you have only known him six months and he already wants you to commit to kids and marriage and is taking you on a long haul trip to see his family)
• Seeks to get the women pregnant early in the relationship

You say he is pushy but are seeking to ignore that as a red flag by attributing it to his job.

Abusers are about control and from your own account, his 'pushiness' is all about him taking control of how things go in the relationship.

I've read simular where a man has met someone had a baby then gone back to the wife!

What if you can’t have children?

“You say you got kids quite late in the life. Did you also rush to get them sooner in a new relationship if you dont mind me asking? How it is all played out for you?”

@PoliteEagle Sorry, I missed this question.

No, I didn’t rush and wouldn’t have rushed. I was with my DP for 11 years before we tried for children at MY suggestion. He cried with me through three miscarriages. I stood by him when we found out that HE had a fertility issue. Neither of us would have left the other if children hadn’t come along because our bond was solid before we even started thinking about children.

We were on the brink of IVF when DC1 happened naturally. DC2 happened very quickly and stunned us.

We now have two children who are secure and safe in their parent’s very solid relationship.

I have friends who did rush into things and make foolish decisions about children with the wrong men:

1. One is a single mum, tied forever to a man with mental health issues who thinks nothing of telling his children they make him sad.
2. Another is a single mum to two, whose ex controls her life and tells her children how shit she is.
3. A third is about to be divorced, but battling with how to meet their child’s needs (ASN) in a split up. She got married too soon.

I could go on. Make sure you chose a man who will stick by YOU, who is good for YOU, and is a long term thing. Otherwise your children have to suffer your choices and will be possibly shaped by them. Kids flourish in a strong healthy relationship. Always aim for that. Don’t settle for less.

There are no guarantees in life, but I also know my DH well enough that if things turned sour for us, we will put the kids first. I do have friends who have divorced and done it in a respectful healthy way.

If I were you, I wouldn’t contemplate a future with your bloke at all. So many massive red flags.

I will add to my previous post that at 24 I was in a relationship with a man in his mid-forties. I look back and absolutely cringe at my naivety. Thank god I didn’t marry him, even though I was so dazzled by him. I met my now DH two years later.

Around 3 months in I could see through them. I think it is hard to pretend longer than that? Maybe a year max till the mask fells off?
@PoliteEagle

I've read posts on mn where the relationship was fine for 3,5, 10 years even, until the woman got pregnant and everything changed.

It's a pattern particular to the situation (ie getting pregnant or having a child), not based on length of time.

All of this was true for me. Also, if they have a pattern of applying pressure as well to get what they want.

What time line does he have for you being pregnant - if you say you want to wait 6 months.

Is he happy with that

Does he expect you to become pregnant on the first attempt

how many months / years will he allow you to become pregnant

What if you don't become pregnant

will there be a IVF chat

will there be an adoption chat

will you still be together or will he have moved on to find a girlfriend that does get pregnant

What if he has fertility issues

will you go through medical procedures to be able to have his baby

what about donor sperm ?

do you wish / want to adopt if he cannot have children

or does he only want his children by birth...

This, exactly.