I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

I also told him, that marriage is important to me and it is not acceptable to me to get kids pre-marriage. And that if his views are different on this, our values does not align. Which he said our values are not different, it is just he has been burnt before.

I guess I am selfish, I don't want let him go because I really like him.

On your head be it, but he sounds all wrong for you.

Also talked about age, that he shouldn’t feel pressured himself due to his age as men can father kids well into 40-ies and 50 ies. He said he is aware but at the same time he just doesn’t want to be an old dad. Want to play football with his kids etc, to have energy for that

the more you write, the more we see

it's all about him and his wants / needs

I think we've all been there when young, we want someone so we ignore the red flags even when our gut is screaming at us.

When you get to 28-35ish, you'll look back on men like him and these red flags situation and go 'eww'. Because you get to a point where you genuinely love yourself and you realise how important peace of mind is and that there isn't a flattering word or a handsome face in the world that's good enough to let try to steal those things away from you.

He's not a nice person. He's made it evidently clear with that little tantrum he threw trying to make you feel you weren't 'compromising' (aha, agreeing to be his baby mama after 5 minutes of knowing him).

The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice person.

Did you feel really listened to or did you feel he was just making the argument go away?

In a relationship with a controlling abuser, any tiny concession or compromise that they have to make (just the ordinary give and take of any relationship) is perceived by them as 100% compromise and their will being overridden. You can never meet halfway. It's their way or the highway. If they make a concession, they hate and blame you for 'controlling' them. They will say you are the abusive one, forcing them to do things in a way they don't want to do. @PoliteEagle I think your boyfriend's response is chilling and immensely tactical.

You have not been together long. This isn’t about compromising it’s about respecting each others wishes. This is when the age difference is obvious as he is pushing you. His comment about compromise makes it sound like it’s all about him I would be very wary of that op. I would see that as a red flag.

He's right about that. If he really wants kinds he shouldn't leave it any later. He's already in real danger of missing his kid's 30th birthday and much later he won't be doing 20k bike rides or snorkling with them when they're 12.

What isn't acceptable is having children before marriage unless you both want that.

You've worked out some kind of truce but it still doesn't solve the fundamental problems here. You're on different timescales and his isnt offering the fundamental thing you need in place before having children. I can't see that last issue changing, you really need to get out. (So does he!) Your goals are completely incompatible.

And there's something really fishy about him being willing to commit to children but not to marriage. Unless he has property or other investements to lose that makes no sense.

Time is on your side, if not his. U don't have to be pressured to do something u don't want to do.

He doesn’t want to get married to you because “he’s been burnt before”, yet wants to impregnate you despite billions of women having been “burnt” by having a baby with a man who then decides:

a) he doesn’t want to be a parent

b) he’d rather spend his money on himself than supporting his child

c) he’d wants a woman with a body that hasn’t been changed by pregnancy

d) how much easier it is to control a tired woman with a new born to do exactly what he says/wants

e)that he doesn’t want to do any of the chores connected with parenting, such as cleaning the toilet and cooking meals and doing the school run

f) the pregnancy is “difficult” or has “complications” and his partner throwing up all day is “off putting” and he’d prefer to be out partying with his mates

g) he’d rather be an addict of some kind: drink/drugs/porn/gambling

Etc, etc.

Don't let him try and tell you that no woman has ever been “burnt” by getting pregnant by a man she’s only known for a few months and has no legal connection to; even women who have been married for decades suffer from abuse during pregnancy &/or abandonment once the child arrives.

Its great that in your young life you’ve never been “burnt” before, but that doesn’t mean you can’t educate yourself on all the many ways in which women have been and the ways to protect yourself from being “burnt”.

Marriage is the seatbelt of family life; yes you might not need it 99% of the drives you take, but on the 1% you do, you’ll be fucking glad you had it to protect you.

you might not need it 99% of the drives you take, but on the 1% you do, you’ll be fucking glad you had it to protect you.

Hmm, I think you need that seatbelt on way more than 50% of relationships.

How convenient not to want to marry because he has been burnt.🙄

He thinks you are dim.
Well you have no intention of having a child outside of marriage so some man can burn you and walk away easily.

It says so much about him that his sole focus is what HE wants.

He fancies a new toy, a baby, but with no commitment.

It will be a nice buzz for him to procreate without strings.

There is no way he is seriously into you, because if he was he would be thinking big picture, long term and all the steps in between.

He's actually only thinking of himself and what he wants.

Too many foolish women on MN saddle themselves with children in a similar scenario, because they don't value themselves, their life, their freedom and their future.

They hand it completely over to raising the child of some selfish man that wouldn't dream of marrying them.

They so bitterly regret it.
They are stuck raising, housing and educating a child while he suits himself.

Have a look at the Child maintenance services calculator to see EXACTLY how much he has to contribute if he walks away.

Then calculate how you would pay for childcare, work, house and feed you both.

That is the reality.
Women on MN constantly find themselves left holding a baby on benefits because the cost of childcare is so high.

He has no obligation to give you more than the bare minimum.

Clever women know this and wouldn't dream of being caught out the way he is trying to dupe you.

He fancies a new toy, a baby

I'm not convinced he fancies a baby.

I suspect he wants neither a marriage nor a baby and the half promise of a baby is a way to make lack of marriage more palatable to the OP. Somehow that message has got scrambled into he wants a baby but not marriage.

I appreciate the evidence as stated doesn't support that, but even so, a man desperate to have a baby is a rarity and for that unicorn man to also be phobic of marriage seems beyond credulity.

Agreed on your head be it. He wants everything his own way. Compromise doesn't mean what he thinks it does. I'd walk away. In his circs (same for a sensible woman getting older wanting a baby) best to search hard for someone looking for the same things in the same timeframe. Never any guarantees of course but much better than fighting to mould someone considerably younger to rush to meet their timeframe and try these tricks.

I'm sorry to tell you but there are loads of men who want babies but not marriage.

They don't want the babies for themselves you understand, just like they want the woman committed to them but don't want the commitment of marriage for themselves.

But for some reason they do want to keep the woman (convenience? ego? punching bag?) and they calculate it's easier to do that by having a child with her than having to do anything as hard as being the sort of reasonable man a woman would stay with long term by choice.

Exactly as pp said lots of men want to babytrap women.

The one op is dealing with is just telling her the plan.

Abusers do that sometimes. Let parts of them slip very early on. To test how hooked you are. To test if you'll call them on their bs so they'll need to change approach or hide their evil shit for longer.

Put it this way op, imagine your last partner had been with you a while but refused to marry you. Would you say to this guy 'ive been burned before so, I want to get married in 3 months' ?

No. Because that would be inappropriate. And creepy. And you projecting your unhealed trauma onto them. And if they were sensible, no matter how cute you are, they'd run like the wind.

So if it's not ok for you to behave inappropriately and have wild demands - why are you excusing it from others?

I think if the genders of the people involved in this situation weren’t given people wouldn’t be being so harsh after the @PoliteEagle latest update.

Why is he STILL getting flamed on here? He’s literally given her everything she’s asked for and he isn’t wrong in saying that it’s only him compromising. The OP hasn’t given him anything he wants yet he’s agreed to everything she’s said.

Sonetimes I think posters on here have their “I hate men” goggles on so hard that they can’t actually see a situation for what it is.

@PoliteEagle he’s explained that he’s reacted a certain way because he’s been burned before and he’s holding himself accountable and willing to be more flexible. I don’t think he’s the bad guy people are making him out to be.

Next time he starts the discussion around a child being in the picture before marriage, i'd ask him why then explain that your values are different as you see yourself being married before children. You can tell him that you do want children, and can't wait to become a mother but marriage is important to you.

He shouldn't be pressuring you and hopefully he backs off and just starts to enjoy the relationship and see that if he is wanting this, then you do want children but just not outside of marriage and this takes time. Your clock isn't ticking like his is.

I think if the genders of the people involved in this situation weren’t given people wouldn’t be being so harsh

Yes, if it was him who had the burden of pregnancy and childbirth, he who would take the career hit of mat leave and probably be the default parent, he who was facing the possibility of raising his child in a foreign country away from family support, and he who was likely to be left holding the baby after if it went wrong, and he still felt he didn't need the protection of marriage and was comfortable rushing in after a few months, people probably wouldn't be being as harsh, because he'd be asking her to allow him to take the risk rather than asking her to take the risk for him.

We had our only DS via IVF when I was 38 and DH was 47. He has time.

You are going to stay with him for now, that much is obvious.
However, be aware of the conversation you have had, keep your mind open to the possibility that he is not all that he seems, don't doubt your intuition and don't put off your hopes and dreams for his ticking body clock.
A supportive partner, the one that's right for you would be encouraging you to chase your dreams, he'd be helping you to do it too.

I'd wait a few days and then say something along the lines of "there is this really good qualification that I fancy doing in motor mechanics/wind turbines/nursing - its only 3 years and I think I'd really be good at that" - bet he gets a moody on and mentions 'his' baby plans......

Anyway, didn't Rod Stewart have one at 70?

'we met in professional environment (not online) so it is not like he intentionally swiped on someone much younger. '

don't you see that he didn't need to swipe right etc. for someone younger, one look at you and he knew !

Of course he internally sought someone younger - he wants kids and a woman his own age is unlikely to want a baby and will spot his BS a lot sooner

Its obvious you’re so smitten with and flattered by this man that your rose tinted specs are stopping you seeing clearly.

Carry on seeing him but watch carefully over next few months how he acts. And be cautious