I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

Your timelines don't align at all so I would let him go. His lack of forethought is not your emergency. As you say, there are plenty of 30 something women who want a baby. He wants you to tick his boxes, but you're a person in your own right.

But I wouldn’t want the type of man who wants someone much younger than me/him. Chances are the type of man who does this is selfish, thinking only of what he wants, what other people can do to make him happier, that’s it. So exactly like the ops guy. So there’s nothing to be jealous of.
you can’t seem to accept that different people have different opinions to you, and if they do, you jump straight to ‘jealous’ or ‘bitter’ because you don’t have the intellectual capacity to consider their opinion.

Who is this guy, Henry the 8th??

Hi OP, youre getting such a hard time here. I’ll post again therefore. Rise above mumsnet saying LTB, they say LTB in every scenario

Meet him at his anxiety, listen to him, hear him, make sure he thinks he wants to be with you even if you two together couldn’t have kids in the end (infertility etc), and talk to him about it in a two-directional honest and caring way. That’s the best you can do

How did it go when you saw him today @PoliteEagle?

He's got all the time in the world--my fil sired his last child at 58. Don't let his issues derail your plans for your life.

Yeah because all those red flag behaviours of being pushy and flipping out when he fears OP is not going to give him what he wants, will magically disappear once they have a child or marry. 🙄

At the very least he is showing you how he will deal with disagreements in you relationships. Do you really want this OP? It will be exhausting.

I can't say it enough. The key mark of a good relationship is how well disagreements are handled. Relationship thrive or fail on this. And this is how he deals with it. And it is not good.

Time to end it I'm afraid.
Too pushy, too controlling, disrespectful and in a rush - sounds like he needs a baby oven more than a loving, lifelong partner.

FWIW I doubt his core driver is that he really, really wants a baby and he is only pushy because he was so devasted not to get one and is now looking for a woman to bear one ASAP. I think he wants a woman to control and knows that trapping her with a child is a good way to do that.

FWIW I doubt his core driver is that he really, really wants a baby

Me too. Men who desperately want babies are something of a rarity and if there are such men they're not going to quibble about getting married. Seems really fishy to me.

There is so much to unpack here... OP, you are way too young for all this. He is way too old and he is pressuring you to get pregnant after 6 months, and before marriage. Seriously, this is way too weird. There is zero guarantee he is not some kind of a weirdo who wants to prove he is capable of fathering a child - and who has no intention of being a part of a family. There are so many red flags here, I cant even be bothered to count them.

OP, someone who really wants a family would get to know a partner first to make sure they are the one to settle with, then get married, then have kids. Anything different is bullshit and lies.

Edited: I can almost guarantee if you are to fall pregnant he will disappear and will be saying he is not ready for a child or he changed his mind. This man is not after a family.

Also, a 40 year old man who is trying to get a 20 year old pregnant after 6 months without even an engagement ring. RUN.

I haven't normalised anything. I just dont assume all men are evil and wrong for existing and as a midwife, i see lots of older women who were desperate to have a baby and essentially tied themselves and a guy into one under not ideal situations. People get it when they do it. It's understandable. Not for a guy who makes it clear what he wants though.

I've heard people say it is selfish to get with a woman in her thirties if you don't want kids with her very soon.

I think that might be in your demographic.

You're scared the man you do want will want that and you're right, he probably does.

Why would you feel guilty for dumping him in another 6 months rather than now?
Why do you think him insisting that you get pregnant on his timeline rather than one that you're wholly comfortable with ok.
The thing that comes across to me from your posts is how young and nieve you are about abusive men. Your 6 months into a relationship with a much older man who has already done enough of a number on you and your head that you already feel guilty about having a very reasonable boundary about marriage before kids. He's using classic abusive tactics to manipulate you into having kids on his timeline, without any protection for yourself whilst trampolining over your wants and needs, yet you feel guilty.
@PoliteEagle please dump this guy and do the freedom program. At 6 months you really don't know the real him nor what his life goals truly are, only what he claimed during the love bombing phase of your relationship and still he's already got you doubting yourself, your right to your own needs and wants bring considered or even taken into consideration. If you stay in this relationship it will destroy you, your confidence and you'll wind up trapped with an abusive man who won't marry you but will keep the promises of marriage as a carrot to keep you in line and doing what he wants and needs whilst refusing to help with the children or house preventing you from working and earning so you're totally reliant on him as you'll be living in his home, his not yours or both of yours because he won't marry you.
You ask why we are telling you to run, well it's because we've seen it all before some of us were you and fell into the trap that you are willfully running into, this man doesn't love, respect or even like you for you, your only value to him is what you can give him. Find a man who loves and respects you for who and what you are because that is what you and any children you might someday have deserve.

Some men are controlling weirdos.

Criticising those men that are controlling weirdos is not "assuming all men are evil" 😂. Just the controlling weird ones.

Do you think no men at all can be criticised? As a midwife, can you honestly say you've never ever seen a couple and worried about the man's attitude to his wife/partner?

As I said in an earlier post, one can twist oneself into knots finding an unlikely but just-about-possible story to explain why behaviour that seems selfish and controlling is actually reasonable and rational, but most of the time the simplest explanation, that this is a selfish and controlling man, is the right one.

This bloke:

• Wants his girlfriend to give up her childfree late twenties for him. It's a time of life he has already enjoyed and she won't get to - selfish
• Wants his girlfriend to get pregnant, a massive financial and lifestyle commitment on her part, before he will make any binding financial and lifestyle commitment to her - selfish and controlling
• Compares her to his ex to manipulate her into accepting an attitude that when taken alone is obviously unreasonable - controlling
• is "pushy" on this topic - controlling
• Makes her feel responsible for managing his emotional reaction to her reasonable boundaries - controlling

Even if the "reeeeèeeeeaally want to be a dad before I'm 45" is genuine and reasonable, the way he is going about getting what he wants is not.

Again, @MyOliveHelper, I would never be attracted to the personality type of the middle aged man who has a preference for women half their age. So I’m not remotely scared of that.

There are two reasons middle aged men go for much younger women.
the first is because they can - these ones are often good looking and/or rich, they’re all about image and like the trophy
the second is because they can’t get women their own age who can see straight through the charm, and see their selfishness and entitlement, these ones have no choice but to go for younger women who haven’t the benefit of experience so they can manipulate them
the ops guy is definitely the latter type, maybe the first type too, but definitely the latter.

thanks everyone for comments. We had a chat and he said that he doesn't want me to feel pressured etc so will not bring up any timelines anymore and I can take as much time as I need/want.

The only thing which buggers me a bit is that when we were talking about compromises and so on, he said that it looks like it is him who is having to do all the compromising with his wishes and wants to be with me and it doesn't look like i am ready to make any.

Oh I love how he turns it all back onto you.

So the time frame for marriage - what did he say to that
Marriage before babies - what did he say to that

He said he is fine with going with the flow re the timelines for marriage, kids etc if thats what I want and will not bring this back. He said he will wait till i will return to this question myself.
As for marriage before babies said also okay, he respects my wishes etc
It doesn't look like that he is ready to break up because of it.

so in about 6 months you will be looking for actions and not just words
i.e. I expect him to be proposing to you

meanwhile ensure your contraception is 100% !

So he's expressed contempt.

The number 1 relationship killer. A few months in.

I'm sorry op but he's taking you for a ride.

Watch him carefully.
He turned that conversation on you.
Not good.

It's no big surprise that he's putting this on you now.

You are so young. When you are older you will realise just how young you were now! You want to start a business and you want to travel. Neither of those things are compatible with having a baby straightaway. He is putting pressure on you even now that he is saying he isn't. I would say to him that I wanted to be fair to him and I was going to set him free to find someone who wanted what he wants. Someone in the late 30s might be really glad to meet someone like him. You're not in that position. You have your whole life to live and he wants to limit it.