I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

You keep saying this, @MyOliveHelper — what is it you imagine anyone could possibly be jealous of in the situation of an unusually naive, easily-swayed 27 year old being badgered into ttc with a ‘pushy’ 40something she’s been with for six months, with the carrot of marriage dangled as a reward if she plays ball? And actually being gullible enough to seemingly to think she should get with the programme or lose this Prince among men?

Whats your gut feeling on this?

having a baby/getting married and moving to another country are all well and good but extremely complicated/stressful if you wanted to split up. Plus, if ge moves to another country and you didnt want to, how will that look with contact etc. what if he got custody? rose tinted glasses are not useful here. You dont sound 100% on this so id let him go tbh

I will stick my neck out and say I do think yes you should dump him. The thing is, a lot of us are about 40 too and can see how this man came to be.

There will be something fundamental you don’t yet understand about his history. I don’t know any really sweet 40-yr olds who just missed the boat to have kids, especially not men with the kind of pushiness and certainty your fellow has.

Men your age are nice and you can find your own, and develop with him so that he’s your emotionally intelligent and good in bed 40yr old when you too are 40.

When you meet people at work they seem safe and institutionally endorsed, but it is a false effect. What if you’d met a man like this in a more random situation— would you trust him so easily?

Looks like you've got yourself a womb raider.

A lot of people are doing the normal MN thing of jumping to the “the man is evil!!!” Obviously this is the wrong approach, but I think you need a serious think here.
You want to travel and start a business but also get married and have a baby in a 3 year period?
Perhaps think about your priorities and then about your time frames. It may be you can’t fit in with his.
On the marriage front you both need some advice (not from an internet forum).

You're resentful because you think men that age should be after women your age and/or you hate the thought that your own partner might be lusting after younger women and may build a happier family with them.

Ooft, spot the incel with the mad mental gymnastics and projected insecurities.

Not.sure im the one displaying.incel like behaviour here. It seems like.you haven't had a happy relationship with a man for... ever?

Oh go away you sad little troll.

Says the person harassing someone for their opinions.

You should channel that talent for fantasy into writing sub-Judith Krantz novels, you know.

If I have any particular feelings about or towards the OP, it’s more a slightly exasperated protectiveness than anything, because she comes across as far younger than her years, and a very susceptible target for the ‘poor me, my ex didn’t want babies!’ trauma narrative of a ‘pushy’ 40something.

She doesnt come across as young just because she wont listen to some miserable middle aged women screaming at her to dump her bloke.

Their opinion where they insulted everyone on this forum with mysoginist rhetoric and called them bitter for trying to help this poster avoid abuse.

Sure pal, everyone knows your game.

She should ‘dump her bloke’, because he sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work, and she’s as green as grass. With luck, this thread has at least set a few seeds, even if she’s not really listening.

In my life I have had 5 relationships that have lasted longer than 6 months.
I would have described each of them after 6 months using similar wonderful words, maybe different but still all positive. All 5 are now finished…

1. wanted different things at the time
2. I was still so young, realised I was just in love with being in love, not actually with him after about one year
3. Married. he was and is utterly selfish. It’s unpleasant to have children with a selfish man, you get left with most of the work. I didn’t really realise he was selfish until about two years in.
4. Realised after honeymoon period (about a year) we were not remotely compatible
5. realised after 18 months he is selfish

the red flag op is that neither of you know each other any where near well enough yet to be making any decisions about children.

Oh God, just reading the thread a bit more thoroughly now, and @MyOliveHelper, please understand you are not helping anything at all. It isn’t even really about opinion, everything you are writing is just wrong.
I can assure you, middle aged women are not jealous or bitter about ANYTHING really, because if we wanted whatever it was, we’d have it. But what they are is wise, have been there, done that, seen that, and want to help women young enough to be their own daughters, not make the same mistakes they did.

He’s not the man for you, OP. You will realise that 5 years from now.

I haven’t scoffed and snorted simultaneously in a long time.

I'm a lot older than both the OP and her boyfriend, and what I've learned is that men who behave badly and selfishly are usually nothing more complicated than bad selfish men, and men who subject the women they have relationships with to manipulation and control usually do truly believe that women in relationships need to be manipulated and controlled.

Sure you can tie yourself into knots to create narratives where the bad and selfish behavior is actually reasonable and understandable, but Occam's Razor usually applies.

Definitely. How embarrassing 😂

Hi OP, to answer your question I am afraid I would simply reiterate your timelines and desire to travel in the short term. There is not much more you can do to reassure him, and to be honest, you shouldn’t because despite how it now appears, it may not work out and he is left to start again. It is only 6 months so far. His situation is caused by his ex wife and it is not your responsibility to fix it - only to be open and honest with him. Under no circumstances should you have a baby until YOU are ready. Reading between the lines I am getting the impression you will be doing the majority of care if you choose to have one with him. If that is fine by you then OK.
Be cautious too about having a baby abroad or taking one to live abroad. If the country is a signature to The Hague convention then yes, you can return any time you want however to bring your child with you will require the father’s permission. You up for living in the US or wherever for a minimum 18 years or so as a single parent? Don’t underestimate either that whilst travelling/ living abroad may seem like an adventure now (and I’m sure it will be), when children come along that is when you really appreciate your family and support network nearby.

Not everyone..just the miserable women demanding that the OP break up.

No, you cant have a man who wants someone much younger than you. There is a difference between advising someone, and getting nasty with them when they reject your advice. Calling them stupid and naive just because they wont automatically dump their partner. You're weird as fuck on here.

She should do what she works out is best for her. There is no way some strange women on the Internet can tell someone without a doubt they need to break up with their partner who they've said themselves are an otherwise great match. Sure give advice, don't get angry at the OP when she doesn't automatically follow it. You're acting creepy.

Why do you think these women are miserable? Seems a bit of a reach. Projection going on maybe?

FWIW I don't think you are a troll but I do think you have normalised common toxic male behaviour to the point you don't really see it.

And honestly I am sympathic to that. We all do it to some extent because it's just so bloody everyday and everywhere. It's only really as we get older that we have the perspective and experience to realise these are repeating patterns.

So sure, maybe the OP really has found that diamond who has really great and reasonable reasons to be acting like what on the surface does I'm afraid appear to be a bog standard controlling twat. But personally I would not bet the rest of my life on it and I'd not feel like a good person if I didn't warn the OP this man's attitude to her and her life is concerning.