I feel pressured but at the same time dont want to loose this guy

[PoliteEagle]

I am in a relatively new relationship (appx 6m) but we are getting along very well and moving towards building life together etc. The problem is that my bf has been married before and got divorced because his wife finally revealed that she doesn't want to have kids (before that she was saying it was too early, lets wait etc)

Now i think he has a trauma due to this and a fear that it will happen again and he will end up without a family.

So what he is saying to me is that he wants to get married and have a family, but a family should come first, ie he wont marry till a kid is in the picture. He is also in his early 40ies and he is becoming a bit pushy about it.

I am not sure here. I really like him, but i feel I am not ready for a kid just yet, though definitely want them in future, and also 6m together is a bit early to move towards kids etc. I am younger than him, but I know that time flies fast and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet someone suitable as time goes on. When I say I am not ready for that, he freaks out saying that he heard it so many times before..

Another thing, I would definitely preferred to get married first, it is unsettling for me to have a kid before a marriage, at the same time I understand his concern, that he doesn't want to repeat his mistake and marry someone incompatible in values.
Sorry for the long text, I am a bit lost, how to approach all of this??

What’s the point for him to pretend? Would be easier to break and find someone on the same wave. From what I read and observe quite few women in their mid and late 30ies would be happy to move much quicker. It is not like he intentionally looked for much younger partner, we met in work/professional setting

I can relate myself. I dated a girl for 3 months i said the same thing i wanted a child. She heckled me the whole time. It never happened. But i wasnt 40 years old. As we get older it naturally gets harder to have children. But the ball is in your court. Do you believe he will make a great father. You have a great mind. Marriage is important first. But children do not wave a magic wand over the relationships connective tissue. Its something you will have the assess over time.

Lots of people ask themselves 'what would be the point of him doing xyz?'

I'm sure gazelle wonder that about the behaviour of lions.

Abusive men for example, often like the kick of breaking down the boundaries of women. Of slowly but surely, destroying their autonomy and self worth.

Also, often regular people fail to go after appropriate people (case and point, with you towards him, arguably) but instead go for what they fancy - and hope to mould them into what they want.

With you being younger, he may also feel you are more easily moulded.

Sometimes when we are decent moral people, we assume everyone else is. We ask of their behaviour 'why would I behave that way?' and assume there must be a perfectly reasonable excuse...even for behaviour that isn't ok and, probably shouldn't be excused. We fail to recognise that not everyone is good. Even more so with people close to us.

Put it this way, given his situation with his ex, I'd expect an emotionally healthy person to take some time single and recognise 'yes, that was painful and sad, yes, I am worried I might not be able to have childen. Those are healthy feelings. But it is absolutely not ok for me to project that onto a future partner. Because these are my fears and they are not another persons responsibility'.

And until that is crystal clear with him he shouldn't be dating.

The same thing applies to women too.
Unfortunately lots of women let fear drive them due to wanting kids. But men are less inclined perhaps, to be bulldozed into things they don't want.

Again, you're just not listening to anything people are saying. I hope you have some older, wiser women in real life you can talk to and who you might actually listen to, because there are countless women here who can see where your life is heading unless you wise up a bit.

"41 and still traumatised?
Avoid."

Most women should be single then.

"Good parenting includes being a good partner to the other parent."

Did you hear that ladies? If you've split with your co-parent, you're not a good parent.

You sound incredibly naive, which is presumably why he’s targeted you.

No woman in her right mind of any age is going to give in to having a baby with a ‘pushy’ man she’s been with for six months, who’s sold her some sob story about being traumatised because his evil, unmaternal ex didn’t want any. And only an idiot would go along with his idea that he’ll marry the woman who bears him a child as a ‘reward’.

I agree, you’re not listening.

You sound jealous and bitter.

There are plenty of women in their thirties and forties who make it clear they want a baby and if you're going to be with them, you need to be on board. I meet them all the time at work. 38, relationship for a 14 months, now coming in labour with the man they deemed suitable enough to procreate in that short time. They put in their dating profiles, even.

Yes its a big deal. No it doesnt mean he's abusive. He just knows what he wants from a relationship right now. That might not be suitable for the OP.

Nobody here has to "listen" to a bunch of Internet strangers demanding they break up.

I’m not sure why you think meeting him through your work means he didn’t target you because you are young? Men who want a younger partner will target them where they find them.

As for why would he pretend. Well, consciously or not he’ll make a calculation. At the moment he knows you don’t want to lose him. And this is a very strong card for him. he’s been able to pitch his plan for you to start trying for a baby without marriage in six months time and you have kept on dating him ( most women will have left him at this), he’s been able to ‘kick off’ when you to try protest at his plan, and you are still dating him ( a lot of women would have left at this stage), he can be ‘pushy’ and you still want to be with him ( a lot of women would leave), you are willing to travel to the USA to meet his parents after only six months of dating ( again, not all women would be willing to do this for such a new relationship). From his perspective, you have tolerated and excused a lot of behaviours other women would have run from. He may judge he can agree with you now and successfully work on you further down the line when you are even more enmeshed emotionally.

I may be wrong, but I get the impression you think you are too smart too have fallen for an abuser and manipulator, that you would be able to spot it. The woman I talked about earlier was also a smart, professional woman.

It means he wasn't on Tinder looking for 18-25 year olds.

I'm worried about younger women being groomed by older men. It seems more like you're jealous that men who should be in your dating pool could find a younger woman a worthy partner. Thats why you keep trying to insult the OP and get her to "prove" she isnt an idiot by dumping him

Hell no. Red flags all over this. Another man who doesn't realise it usually falls on the woman left holding the baby if it goes tit's up. 6 months in ans he wants kids? He doesn't want then with YOU..he just wants kids. Any uterus would do by the sounds of things. Don't agree to it without getting married. If you say you dont want children that's one thing..but if you say you do then where is the mistake on his part by getting married...unless you get married and CANT have them..then what? He'd divorce you would he?

Stating early on in a relationship that you want children and even stating a timeline is perfectly reasonable. Putting it in your dating profile is great to exclude everyone who is not at the same life stage as you.

Presumably these women, when they dated men who said they did not want children in the next year or two, did not flip out or push harder but just said ‘ok this isn’t going to work out, goodbye’. Instead those women sought men at the same life stage, in terms of imminently wanting children. I’m also guessing most, if not all of them were picking men of similar ages to themselves.

The red flag with OPs partner is that upon realizing his partner is not at the same life stage as him, he is ‘flipping out’ and pushing and pressurizing her, instead of saying ‘ok fair enough, we are in different places, been good knowing you, goodbye’

There are plenty of red flags coming together to at least give OP serious pause for concern.

Actually, it doesn’t mean that.

As for the rest, that made me laugh out loud. Bless you and your imagination!

Ridiculous post!

I don't know what they did but I wouldn't presume that they weren't as insistent especialy as women literlaly have a time where they can no longer conceive. In fact, I've heard that its both selfish and naive to get with a woman of that age and not expect her to want children. Even if she already has them! So yes, i would not assume that it wasn't as pressured as this situation. If you get on board, we are baby making. If you're not okay with that, see ya later.

There is no difference here except that you think a woman's quest for parenthood is a valid need and his quest is an exploitative want.

I think the jealousy and bitterness seeping out of many of these responses are ridiculous and embarrassing.

This!

Wanting to have dc before marrying is a huge red flag. Marriage gives you protection when you have dc, in case you split up.

Clearly anyone of any sex ‘flipping out’ if new partners don’t want to meet their timescales for babies should be dumped.

You have a clear ‘arguing’ strategy of inventing what others posters say and why, and then attacking them for what you have imagined.

So I will leave you to whatever satisfaction you gain from that conversation with yourself.

Any man who gets 'a bit pushy' about anything, when his partner is expressing concerns, isn't a good man.

If you split up, being a good parent includes finding ways to be civil with your co-parent, not at loggerheads all the time, so the children see you modelling calm, responsible adult behaviour. It's a two-way street. I know it can be very hard for women dealing with men who have personality changes when their brains are overruled by their floppy tackle. But I do think that how we behave towards the other parent is part of being a good parent, whether you stay together or not.

Can you elaborate on what you think people are jealous of?

Can you elaborate on what you think people are jealous of?