Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

Why is NC not an option? You may have to cross paths professionally, but meeting for coffee is a choice. Don’t do it if it’s just going to mess with your head. If you were meant to be together, it would have happened before. He’s moved on by the sound of it. Keep your distance for your own sake.

Limited contact is an option. But we will be working on joint things so there will be some contact. I will need to speak to him and I will see him.

Meeting for coffee was because I didn’t want our first meeting to be awkward. We were best friends. He said yesterday that he really missed that. But I won’t be suggesting a repeat performance, despite wanting to with every part of my body!

He is in a relationship, a serious one by the sound of it, they live together. If he even contemplated starting anything with you, he would be, by definition, a lying, cheating wanker. That, on its own, should be enough to make your bits shrivel. He’s not the man for you. Be cool, polite, professional, but for gods sake don’t accept sloppy seconds.

He is being really unfair to you. I think he’s messing with you to be honest.

But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC

Distance, divorces, kids? People make it work. If they want to. If he wanted to, he wouldn’t have started seeing other people.

I know it must be tempting to romanticise it, I would be doing full on Brief Encounter about this. Then I’d move onto a bit of Casablanca.

Truth is, he dated other women and liked one of them enough to buy a house with.

Now he’s back, and probably likes all the feelings that you show.

And he’s a kind of a shit to be poking you again.

He could have committed to you but he didn’t.

He could have respected your NC. But he didn’t.

I'd keep my distance emotionally and physically, keep it all professional and very clear boundaries, but inside? I'd be enjoying every bit of torture.

I wouldn’t consider it sloppy seconds (she has the sloppy seconds in my book! I was first!) but there’s been enough messing around over the last very many years for me to get into any cheating scenario.

We just hit it off so unbelievably. From moment one back in (it seems) about 1994 there was something there. I’ve had relationships since, but have never got over him. I want to grow old with him. And I was accepting of the fact that it probably wasn’t going to happen. And now he’s back in my life and it’s opened up such painful scars again and I long for him.

And absolutely, I agree with everything in the comment above mine.

Don't think of the two of you as star crossed lovers, whatever you do.

He might be the love of your life, but, sadly you're not his. I'm not saying that to be horrible, truly I'm not. Just making sure you keep your eyes wide open on that, so you can protect yourself and your heart. 💐

This is all true. It breaks my heart that he did what he did. And now he’s breaking it again.

To be honest, I would move away from that job. I wouldn't want to put myself in that position. I think he's been extremely unfair to you in taking the job. What you need is to get interested in someone else. If you're just on your own you will dwell on this.

Thank you. That is a tough message to read but in the cold light of day is probably the truth of it.

Obviously i do think of the two of us that way. Yesterday we were talking about trying to find a way of existing that suited us both without driving us mad, and he said ‘Maybe let fate decide’ which in his mind probably means ‘Let’s just see how it goes’ but in my mind means ‘The path of true love will one day lead to the front door of our shared home’. Ha.

My heart is fucked though. Long since fucked by all this.

Such drama. He’s only a man.

I have thought about moving jobs. But there aren’t many, and most would require a house move as well.

When he contacted me to tell me about the job I thought I was hallucinating. It is such a ridiculous turn of events. But the guy needs a job, I guess.

Oh, after your last post I just know he is messing with you!

“Let fate decide”??? His poor partner!

He's being a selfish twerp, distance yourself. No more cosy coffee dates. If you need to collaborate with him 1-2-1 do it online, meet him face to face only if a third a third party is there.

Think of it this way.

You were an option for him. If you were more, he would have treated you with love and respect.

When you say you never got together properly, do you mean you were just having sex with this guy off and on but not in a committed relationship together?

He's even broken your no contact because it works for him financially.

He's with someone else in a committed relationship. Don't shit where you eat, which means don't fuck your coworkers, including this dude. You could end up screwing up your job.

Maybe it's time for some therapy. You seem emotionally stuck here.

"in my mind means ‘The path of true love will one day lead to the front door of our shared home’."

Girl. Down. He doesn't love you. Never has, never will.

Change careers rather than sailing straight towards a mental breakdown.

Or, put your cards on the table - see if he wants to be with you. Then you’ll know exactly where you stand. If he says no, you are forced to move on once and for all.

No point staying in limbo. And definitely not a good idea to have ‘limited contact’ working in the same area and keep having the issue of him pop up. You’ll be a mess.

Sorry that should’ve said ‘let Faye decide’. His partner is called Faye.

I’m joking.

But yes. It would’ve been better had he said ‘Fate’s decided. I live with someone else now. We’re done’.

It’s the hope that kills you.

Which is ironic cos his partner is called Hope and if we had an affair she’d kill me.

Joking again.

@SummertimeFeelingFine but inside? I'd be enjoying every bit of torture.

This made me laugh! I’d be enjoying it too, star crossed lovers, Heathcliffe and Cathy, all of it.

But a man who takes you to B&Q to choose kitchen paint and a new bath mat is real, he’s there in your life making you coffee and feeling frustrated because you fucked up the toast again is a much better man.

OP, tell someone about this. You know the saying something about exposure to the sunlight, not letting things fester like mushrooms in dark rooms, something like that? You need to tell someone and it will just end up seeming a little sad that you let this guy take over your thoughts so much. A little exposure to real people will be good I think.

Are you single now? What’s your personalise like? Want to take up a new time consuming hobby? Now is the time to do it! Life can’t carry on as it is so change something.

But still, Brief Encounter and Casablanca are awesome films 🤣.

I wouldn’t consider it sloppy seconds (she has the sloppy seconds in my book!

and yet he chose her! Let that sink in…

but now he is preparing to toy with you, dangling a carrot in front of you.

he is not very nice, is he?

Yes props to @ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself for mentioning two of my most favourite films!

To be honest it’s the real life stuff that he’s good at. I don’t have a fantasy idea of what hi might be like. We’ve been in and out of this for a long time.

I do have a busy life. Friends; hobbies, a job and a couple of side hustles. I’m not bored. Except tonight when I am, hence this. During the week I haven’t got time for this shit. Should’ve met him on a Monday rather than a Friday really!

I understand @Misscatel. I've one that got away too.

Did he come back years later to work at the next fucking desk? Ha!

As another PP said he may be the love of your life but you’re not the love of his.

He couldn’t make it work with you but he’s now making it work with someone else

This isn’t a fairy tale, it’s a real life situation where he’s moved on and you need to find a way to stop romanticising a relationship that didn’t work and take him down from the pedestal you’ve put him on.

I’m an absolute sucker for a bittersweet love.

And one who writes a bittersweet lost love Hollywood blockbuster but then ruins it by giving them a happy ending deserves to have their biro pen confiscated 🤬.