Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

Whatever you do, don't tell him it has to be all or nothing or that you're going to have to keep your distance or yada yada yada.

From now on you don't tell him anything. No meaningful silences or yearning looks either.

I think I would put on a very brave, professional and confident persona around him even though I may be quaking inside. Act like he is just a new colleague, be polite and put on a good show.
The pretence will also help to re-train your brain that he is just an old friend - he has far too much emotional power over you at the moment and only you can change that.

If he enjoys the ego boost of knowing that he effects you in this way, he will cast glances your way, he will text you about work things just to have contact, he will keep dangling his carrot your way - (maybe a metaphor?) - you do not want to be the other woman he goes to when him and her hit a rough spot, you do not want to be his second choice. You are not his buddy. Do nothing that you know will cause you this emotional fallout.

It is going to be a rough few weeks whilst you adapt to the situation that he has put you in - you will be all over the place so just accept that. Make home your sanctuary where you are allowed to cry, shout, punch a pillow but from the moment you enter those work doors, you are the self assured and confident you that refuses to be effected by him.
Sometimes having an elastic band on your wrist can help - if you see him, have to be in the same room, feel that you are becoming effected by him, just give it a twang to remind your brain that you will not allow those feelings.
It will become habit after a while.

NC can still happen - make it happen in your mind and in your attitude around him. Tell yourself that you are going NC, not him.

Life has a funny way of sorting things out for us that we thought were insurmountable - he may be fired next month, he may decide he hates the job/area, he may just feck off again just as quickly as he arrived.

Please try not to let him/your thoughts cause you any more sleepless nights. We all know it doesn't change anything except make us tired, emotional and wrinkly.
Go and have a long walk in the countryside, treat yourself to something nice, meet a friend, get busy - Big hug and keep writing - it does help.

If it helps, @Misscatel, I am also many years very happily married now to a man who is everything to me and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world (even if he does drive me absolutely mad sometimes). The man I was hung up on is really just a mirage/memory now, and I can fully appreciate it for what it was - a season in my life.

Agree massively with everything @FlyingUnicornWings posted on previous page and she has been through the same so hopefully you can take that all on board.

For myself I would say “Get thee to a counsellor pdq” - ideally the one who helped you previously but otherwise one recommended by someone you know. If you must respond to anything from him in the meantime, just say that on reflection, you have decided it’s better for all concerned to keep contact strictly professional. Best of luck!

"I said on Friday that his work decision is the third one regarding us that he’s taken since we began that has been life-altering and which I’ve ended up on the shit end of. The others involved moving away for work. All of them are justifiable, but I always lost. And here we are again."

"My work concern isn’t about boundaries but is about it impacting my performance. The biggest cock-up I ever made at work, which is still jokingly referred to now years later by those who remember it because it was so big, was caused directly by this relationship. Nobody knows, but immediately prior to the presentation in which I misquoted an order price by hundreds of thousands of pounds, I’d had a very difficult phone call with this guy about him beginning to date the woman he now lives with. My mind was not on work!
And here we are again!"

This really concerned me for you. That this seemingly isn't the first time he's messed up workplaces for you. That he's doing this again is not okay.

You may not realise it, but you hold a lot of power here. He knows this. He has reached out to you because you could make his latest move a living nightmare or prevent it altogether. Especially if he doesn't start right away, you can stop him from doing this to you again.

Imo, these are the steps I would take to do this:

1. Text him and tell him you've had a think about it, and now you've slept on it you realise him coming to your new workplace, specifically reaching out to you to 'check', after you've told him you want NC is not okay, and you want him to look for alternatives. He's asked for your approval, expecting to be able to push you over about this, you can literally say: "no actually, I think this is a terrible idea." You don't need a phonecall for this, having written it down is more important.
2. If he starts being funny about it, tell him the truth, bluntly, not romantically. "No, I am still attracted to you, but you are living with someone else. The fact you haven't totally shut me down about my feelings is going to lead to drama, and this is our incomes at risk here. I think you should look for somewhere else."
3. He will probably still argue that somehow you two can make it work. Clearly, from multiple past experiences now, you have proven this to be false. So then you text "Your partner actually okay with you moving back into a workplace with me? The exact same situation as what led to us getting together in the first place?"
4. He will most likely lie and say that he's told her all about you being here and it's totally fine, yada yada. Say that's great and you'd like to meet up with you both to talk it over with her. Do not worry, he won't actually allow this to happen, but insist that's what you want anyway. In the extremely rare circumstance he says oh yeah sure, do NOT back out, agree and start asking for times you can do it. Do not let him cancel, if he does, do not attempt to rearrange and waste precious time you have to sabotage this move, see step 5.
5. He will no doubt start acting weird. Make some excuse up for how you can't possibly all meet. Say casually you'll find a way to let her know, even if you don't meet, and just stop replying to him when he asks you to confirm you won't do that. Cut all contact UNLESS he's 100% confirmed he's going to find somewhere else. Then thank him sincerely, and cut contact for real. Block him at that point too.
6. You said you wouldn't tell colleagues to 'not be unfair to him'. The time for caring about his appearance at work stopped the 2nd time he messed up work for you. Tell literally everyone, including the person who's in charge of hiring him. Your hiring manager will really not be keen on hiring him if you two have past history that this man hasn't immediately shut down when he's restarted contact with you.
7. If he doesn't suddenly reconsider on his own/have the role removed from him by this point, which he very likely will, actually find a way of contacting his partner to let her know what is going on here. That should be enough.

This is obviously the scorched earth method, you will never be able to speak to him again. But like I said before, his moving to you is actually really selfish, even more so now I've learnt this isn't even the first time he's messed with you workwise. You don't have to 'always lose' because he wants the easiest commute or whatever silly reason he's decided moving to your workplace is a good idea. You can actually stop this if you want to.

From everything you've now said, I totally get you will be conflicted about doing this, you are still in 'what if' mode. But as someone with no skin in the game, having previously experienced being infatuated with a man who was just like this, I can tell you that fighting for your income is a lot more important than trying to muddle along somehow for a man who, from his behaviour, simply does not respect you. Or his partner. Or likely any partner he will ever have in the future. You have not lost out by telling him no three years ago, you simply stood up for yourself. Like you said yourself, whatever arrangements he wanted for you two to make a go of it clearly seemed in some way unreasonable or too much effort at the time. You weren't wrong, because here he is doing that exact behaviour again, where he is pushing you to accept something that frankly is more than inconvenient.

Be proud of yourself that you did that before. You don't have to let this man mess with your life again if you don't want him to.

Let fate decide? The man’s an idiot. He, not fate, decided to commit to another woman , and if he dumps her to go back to you, it will be him deciding to do that, and you deciding whether you can trust him not to disappear again with someone else.

Honestly OP? I’m sure this is absolutely terrible advice but what I would do in your situation is start dating HARD and get soooo busy having fun with other men (casual, lots of sex, nice nights out) that he evaporates and his power grip over your brain stops. It’s old fashioned but I do truly believe the way to get over one man is to get under another. But I’m sure it’s healthier to get therapy etc etc 😅🎉

I want to give you such a hug! Go nc, do what you need to to heal

I agree with that, actually.

Nothing like a bit of lust to rewire the brain! Especially if it's a choice you're making rather than being forced to by circumstance.

The truth is, he's not that special. He's just someone you seized upon for whatever reason and the on/off element created an addiction.

You sound like you're spiraling down and your ruminating over the past is becoming intrusive and overwhelming to the point it's affecting your daily functioning and sleep. I strongly suggest you seek professional mental health help.

That you've already at least once made a huge screw up at work just because of a negative interaction with him makes it even more vital.

Until you can access that, try lifestyle management like exercise and meditation and get out and see friends.

I don't know. I don't think running to therapy is always the best idea.

OP is a grown up and can get through this.

I do sympathise with you. I’ve been in similar situations myself. It’s all consuming and exhausting.

BUT. Two things.

1. If you two had wanted to be together, you would be. Tricky divorces etc not withstanding. He’s made it work with someone else, he could have made it work with you.

2. Seeing his name flash up on your phone, hearing his voice. I get it. I’ve been completely floored by that as well. But I think it’s just the past appearing back in your present. It can be intoxicating. But a big part of that is nostalgia, yearning for your youth. It’s not about him.

I would apologise for making you cry, but I won’t. Tears are good. You need to grieve the past and the what ifs, if you’re going to get past this. Any opportunity you have to get those tears and that grief out, take it. Sob sob and sob until you can’t anymore.

I wish I could get you to see how much precious time of yours this feeble being has already wasted, but love is a funny thing, isn’t it? You’ll see it eventually, even if your current predicament is going to make that a million times harder.

I also wish I could get you to rise up and see you are worth so much more than he could ever give you. Please don’t let this potentially sabotage your career and your life. I promise you from the bottom of my heart, he’s not worth it.

If you don’t need to speak to him outside of work, for work things, I’d block him from your personal phone. I know how hard that will be, but do it for future you.

Keep those boundaries tight and be strong, don’t let him take any more of you than he has already. Don’t waste another precious moment of your life on him. You’ve got this. You can do it.

Lil p.s - the guy in my situation? Turned out to be a cheating arsehole who destroyed his wife. They aren’t fit for the pedestals we put them on.

He loves that he still has this power over you and it strokes his ego no end! At the moment he has you dangled on a piece of string a very thick piece of rope and is loving it. Tbh, in the nicest possible way, it’s not a good look and is demeaning you. You’re a strong, professional woman with a good career. Is this how you want to be seen?
You definitely need to take that power away from him in order to create an equal professional relationship. Imagine if something doesn’t go his way in the workplace, he’s always going to think he can sweet talk you and get you on side! I’d also be concerned about him bantering with the guys in the office about how you were previously together.
As for him saying “Let fate decide”… just Wow! He’s being so manipulative and he knows what he is doing. You need to cut those ties as you did once before when you went NC (see suggestion below).
As others have said, he never loved you enough. He made it work with someone else when he didn’t bother to try that hard with you. It sounds harsh but he’s not the love of your life. Someone else will come along who is, BUT you’ve got to leave room for them and let your obsession with him go to allow this.
My suggestion would be to text something like “I’ve thought this all through and although it was obviously a bit of a shock to hear you are joining us at <company>, I’m very aware our relationship ended a long time ago and we’ve both moved on. I think it’s best we just keep things professional at work and no more. Nobody at work needs to know any more about our private lives and I’d ask you to respect that.” Keep it short, to the point and don’t involve emotions. Then carry this same philosophy through to the workplace. Take back the power and self-respect, shake yourself off and keep it to professional contact only.

Get some therapy. You have allowed yourself to wallow in this very toxic romance for 3years after going no contact be ause he had moved on. “Dating other people” isn’t some hidden clue. He dumped you. You couldn’t accept that.

Save his number as Mr Poobum on your phone.

#lifehack