Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

Sorry didn't mean to be so harsh, but I don't want you to let yourself off the hook here. It's a choice about the sadness - how much space and energy you give it though. You sound otherwise strong and successful, don't let this pathetic pipsqueak derail you with his seedy ego needs.

I send you a hug and strength.

And his choice to shag other people.

His “maybe let fate” decide comment shows what a self indulgent prick this man is OP.

It’s a comment that not only shows he enjoys keeping you hanging (so believes he could have you at the click of his fingers) but is also so disrespectful to the woman he now shares his life with!

He’s not a fundamentally decent person if he says things like that to an ex, especially one he knows still holds a candle for him, when in a relationship.

If you can practice telling your brain the facts, acknowledging the feelings are just that and stop telling yourself that you are in love, you can rewire things a bit. Practice cool distance, be professional, don't give him anything of yourself. It's the past and you both need to leave it there.

I have done this before, with someone I couldn't have (because at the end of the day it does one absolutely no good to pine forever) and it worked very well.

I didn’t think you were overly harsh. And thank you for the hug and strength.

I know I should own my emotions more. But part of my problem, I think, is that admitting that it’s a mirage means admitting that the last 10+ years have been for nothing, and admitting that it’s gone. I’m finding that really really hard. Hope is a killer, it really is. I’ve clung onto it even when all the evidence suggested that it was hopeless. It is hard to let go.

Thank you. I have copied that into a note on my phone and will look at it to remind myself.

YESSS! Thank you, @Mymanyellow for this very much needed perspective xxx

What a terrible idea. That sounds like harassment to me and a good way to blow your job up.

This guy is now your coworker. Are you incapable of keeping it professional?

Nobody likes a Drama Queen at work, especially when you weren't even in a relationship with the guy.

Discard your burn letter.

How old are you?

You're welcome, but it was @PaperBlinds who said it; I just highlighted it because it's sage advice, and it does work.

Eh? The rant thing? I didn’t send it to him. That’s the whole point. I just wrote it down.

But he was seeing you and it wasn’t right enough for him to make it work. Then he met her and it was right enough for him to commit and buy a house.

he picked her. Please don’t go there. He’s not the one for you. If he was it would be you he has a house with.

Thank you @PaperBlinds
Wise words indeed.

I know. I know. But the part of my brain that goes ‘Ah but he only met her because we were NC, and obviously what they have could never match what we had and they are bound to break up soon now that I am back in his life…’ And I know that’s rubbish but that part of my brain shouts loudly.

So really actively tell your brain that that's not true and to be quiet. I am trying to find you a link about that technique. - it's called something like cognative distancing, but it's also quite close to some meditation practice. You just acknowledge the thought or feeling and let it float off. Don't put it in a narrative, don't give it any weight. Worth practising

Sounds like Limerence

Sunk cost.

You're kind of giving I won't be ignored Dan vibes.

Unlike most others, I am not convinced he is bad news. I have one of those. We got away from each other. I do think we loved each other. I think we still do.

I would be fucked if we started working together, absolutely fucked. We have built separate lives on different continents.

But even though the love might be real, there is no path to happiness here. That's what you must focus on. It doesn't matter if you guys had potential. The love of your life is the guy you live your life with. The sum of your life is the things you did, not the things that once were possible. So grieve the possibility that didn't materialise, but then MOVE ON. Don't try to resurrect this.

I would have to quit my job if he came working in my job. I just wouldn't be able to not try and do it if he were that close. But I wouldn't want to go down that path, so I would switch jobs. It's shit luck to lose your job over this, but that's what it is.

I very much doubt that this time will be different. It’s a waste of your time, I think.

I really think you should get therapy. You are letting this man have way to much power over your emotions.

This is where such a stark difference between men and women is so foreign to each other. There is a big lack of understanding on how the other sex thinks.

Op thinks they are star crossed lovers, full of emotions, thinking about him constantly for 10 years, scrutinising everything, making excuses for all the problems, complete denial as to the real reason they are not actually together. All the emotions and anguish consumed over years.

Meanwhile, as a man, who can be less emotional creatures and lean towards practicality and selfishness, is perfectly fine, not living in anguish, in fact doing well shacking up with a woman he is in love with, he is building a future quite happily and now has a new job. Things are going well for him. He doesn’t need to be honest with the Op and tell her he isn’t in love with her, why would he, if she puts him on a pedestal that’s her own doing, his made it clear his in a serious relationship and building a future with another woman. Plus he loves the attention, he doesn’t care it hurts her, not his problem.

Basically OP, he doesn’t think like you at all, he just thinks how you can make his life easier and flatter is ego, regardless if it hurts you. You think men have any problem lying, of course not, say a few words she wants to hear….doesn’t matter if there not true, just as long as it keeps things easier for him.

This guy uses you for his own benefit. You don’t deserve this Op, don’t let someone toy with you in this way.

I don't actually think it's a male vs. female thing. Lots of men get stuck on a particular woman and plenty of women play on men's feelings for an ego boost.

I had a situation like this for a long time. And then he decided that he did want a relationship. And I was like, ‘actually no, it’s too late now, I have no idea how we work out that you didn’t want this for so long and were with other people and I don’t want to make time for this’. Whereas I thought I would be all in as soon as he realised his mistake but I didn’t even want to try. And then he was angry with me for not falling at his feet, so angry - which was a bit of a cheek really.

Honestly, I totally get holding a candle for someone - I am doing it right now with someone I was dating for a few months over last year and into this year, but your person is living with someone else! That’s not being on a break, it’s fully moving on. He is being unfair to you and her by suggesting otherwise.

“SummertimeFeelingFine · Today 21:37
If you can practice telling your brain the facts, acknowledging the feelings are just that and stop telling yourself that you are in love, you can rewire things a bit. Practice cool distance, be professional, don't give him anything of yourself. It's the past and you both need to leave it there.”

This with bells on.

I actually think the term “love of your life” is incredibly unhelpful. And I don’t believe it. Apart from anything, you’re not at the end of your life yet so you have no idea who else will come along.

But it also gives him a status he shouldn’t have and hasn’t earned. You’re literally telling yourself that no man will equal him and that you’ll never love another man as much as him. Why do that to yourself? It’s bullshit. He’s a guy you loved very much and were powerfully attracted to but if you can feel like that once, you can feel like that again. About another man. There isn’t one single right person put on this earth for us - if there were most of us would never meet a life partner. There are lots of good matches for everyone. He was only one man. There will be others who will be better for you.

So please, stop telling yourself he’s the love of your life because he isn’t. Stop doing that to yourself.

OP, I really feel for you. I have a tendency to wany the unattainable and romanticise situations too.....

You haven't been very specific about why things never worked out between you (and that's fair enough, you don't have to be). But I am getting the impression that this was his choice, not yours? That you would have committed to him and made it work if he had wanted you too?

If I am right, it might be good to start framing it like this to yourself, rather than the whole vague "it just never worked out" thing, which makes it sound more mutual. Because I could be wrong, but I suspect it wasn't mutual.

My partner has a female friend who has been in love with him for decades of her life. He used to occasionally shag her in between relationships. Terrible behaviour on his part, I think. She seemed for a long time to believe they were starting crossed lovers and that one day it would work out. But the reality is, if he had wanted to be with her he would have been with. I felt so sorry for her, and so mad with him for behaving like this. (She is with someone else now, and I hope has finally moved on).

Don't let this man treat you like this OP. You sound so lovely - you deserve so much better.

Look up limerence and how to get over it.