Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

Okay, so say that happened… then what? He’s shown you repeatedly that he doesn’t want to be with you - when it’s the right woman, a man will move heaven and earth to be with them. If you think about it, this is actually what he did with his current partner - he happily went along with going NC with you because you were a distraction he no longer needed now he’d met her. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think even if you did reconcile you’d end up right back here again, broken-hearted. He’s the one that got away for you, but for him you’re just someone he used to date who he got on really well with. You deserve so much more than being his afterthought.

I understand what you mean with that term. It's the same as you can use the term soul mate without meaning that he's literally the one person for you. It's shorthand for the one you found who fits you like a glove.

It can be helpful to analyse why his template fits you so well.

That's what instant chemistry is actually all about. Whatever he is, he matched your template perfectly. That's not always a good thing; it often means that the both of you share opposing childhood emotional experiences and your inner children are seeking healing through repeating the past.

(Not to sound woo or therapy speak about it. That's not what I mean. Simply using metaphor)

I don't think he's a good man op. He's very selfish. Imagine if it was the other way round, you'd just bought a house with him and he was getting a job with his ex, meeting her for coffee and saying "let's let fate decide"? He's seriously lacking in integrity and conviction. He didn't commit to you and he's not even fully committing to the woman he lives with!

Yes quite. If he lived with you and had committed to you in the same way he'd have another woman in your space. Without a doubt.

I feel for you OP. It's all about him though - how about you? If he is going to present and you can't escape that for the time being, make your life as busy and interesting as possible for yourself (not for him). Meet new people (join a gym or running club or something). Stay ahead so that you're never left trailing behind him.

Be really strict too. Limit conversation to work only and don't get drawn into his crap. He will definitely drop hints of the things that aren't so good with his partner (in order to keep you on the hook). Gloss over them and don't get drawn in.

Sound advice.

On a practical level, how should I handle him contacting me? If he texts, what should I do? Ignore it? Tell him I’m not going to be having text chats with him?

What makes you think he’s going to start texting you now when he hasn’t for three years? He agreed to meet for coffee as a courtesy. If there was any inkling he wanted to resume a deeper connection wouldn’t he have downplayed his current relationship or even not mentioned her at all? He knew how much telling you about her and their house was going to hurt you but he did it because he wanted to be clear about his situation.

Because he texted on Friday night. Questions about work, colleagues we both know etc.

He mentioned his partner on Friday because I asked outright. He talked factually and then didn’t mention her again.

I had two that "got away", followed by romantic, exciting reunions. I married them (one at a time, obv), then divorced them. Life isn't a fairytale, and even if you ended up in a relationship with this prat you probably wouldn't live happily ever after.

PS I'm living happily ever after without either of my own particular prats 😅

He's playing you like a fiddle 🎻 🤷‍♀️

He hasn’t texted since. But it’s ok cos I’ve only checked my phone seven or eight thousand times.

If he’s not doing it on purpose then he’s the best accidental fiddle player in history.

Maybe he's texted you because you already know these people and he just wants more information about the work environment he's going to be coming into. He's treating you like he would a male friend who already worked somewhere he was coming to work. Work texts are allowed. Just answer factually (but don't put anything in writing you wouldn't say to the person's face, just in case...) but don't answer anything that seems personal.

Treat him as you would any other co worker. I think your real cure for this man is for you to fall head over heels in mad lusty love with someone else, but obviously we can't make that happen!

Stop letting a garden-variety prat use you like this.

I think you’re living in some kind of fantasy whereby this guy is the love of your life and he secretly is infatuated with you and is going to leave his partner so you can be together.

You need to remind yourself of the facts, if he wanted to be with you he would.

He’s had plenty of opportunity, but he’s not, he’s with someone else. He likes the attention and may be after an affair, but you are not the love of his life and you need to accept that. You do not mean to him what he means to you.

He texted after the coffee? That’s a shitty thing to do. I was thinking he might be not a bad guy and that by mentioning his partner and house he was actually being honest and straight but following it up with contact straight after is a red flag. Having been in your shoes, I advise you to text him saying you don’t want to end up back where you were and block his number.

My OTGA got married. Masochist that I am, I went to the wedding (we also worked together, so loads of colleagues were invited). He moved abroad with the wife then years later came back for a work event so a group of us met up. Attraction was still intense until he tried it on after telling me his wife had been diagnosed with a serious health condition. I told him to get to fuck and haven’t heard from him since. The scales were well and truly lifted that night!

Block his number? Does he need to contact you outside of work?

This in buckets.

There was NOTHING stopping you being together except he doesn't REALLY want to.

You might think he is, but he def does not think you are the love of his life.

Tell him clearly you want a professional relationship only. He is not to contact you about anything other than work.
Do not indulge non work chit chat.
Do not go for any work drinks if he is there.
If you are at work drinks and ge shows up - just leave.

This has disaster written all over it.

I feel sorry for the poor woman who bought a house with him...

You need to be pro-active and practical or you risk falling apart.

• Look into cognitive distancing techniques
• Get counselling as a matter of urgency

And block his number.

I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this way.

I can empathise. I had one of those. Met young. On and off. Long distance, circumstances never quite right. I, and all my friends would say I’d end up marrying him one day and I really believed it. I loved him so so much.

I haven’t spoken to him for 13 years now. We had a conversation where I realised I was only an option and I’d had enough. I got angry. He hung up on me and that was that.

I’m so happily married now to the real love of my life. Someone who chose me (and me them) and continue to do so every day.

But I know that if that first guy rocked up at my work I’d struggle - and that with not even being in love with him anymore. So I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now.

He’s bang out of order, to you and his partner, for that “fate” comment. I have no idea what he’s playing at, but you need to ignore him.

I think boundaries are going to keep you sane and keep you from potentially not being able to focus on work. If I were you, I’d tell him you need to keep this fully professional, no unnecessary contact and be passing ships in the night. I know it’ll be hard, but you’re going to spiral if you don’t. You cannot be friends with this man. It has to be all or nothing, it cannot be all, you know that deep down, so it has to be nothing. (Or as little as you can)

I’d definitely seek out some counselling to help you through this tough period. It sounds like you could really use the support right now. Also, do you have a trusted friend at work who you can confide in? Not to put it all on, or shoulder your hurt (as your priority in work should be work), but who can just objectively keep an eye on things, and steer you back in the right direction if the boundaries start slipping?

Anyway, big gentle hugs to you. I’m so sorry this is happening but he’s not the one. Take that carrot he’s dangling in front of you and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

I think, if you are 100% honest with yourself, there's a part of you that is enjoying the drama. That's OK, but don't pretend to yourself that this is some kind of grand passion. It's ok to wallow a bit, but you're a grown woman!

I would leave long pauses and reply keeping it brief and just say 'see you at work' etc. Keep it light.

If that doesn't work you will have to be firm eg. I understand we have to work together but I think that because of this let's keep things work related only. Etc

Oh,
OP i am sorry to see you still here this morning and that you were up till the early hours going over this stuff.

You really have to make a firm decision to stop. Have a plan for work and texts and stick to it.

I would ignore chatty texts if you can and block if not. You do not need to react. Be busy and practice being not interested or involved.

You have a lovely Sunday to live your life, don't waste it. There is so much good advice on here, but you are still going round in circles. We get it, you get it. Now get on with it!!

Going over the what ifs is self indulgent. Come off this thread now and do something else less boring instead.

You should remind yourself that you are tryingto have having a (mostly one-sided) emotional affair with him, and that's a shitty thing to do. It's not fair on his partner to keep indulging your fantasies like this. Keep it up, and maybe he'll end up sleeping with you - you're in effect trying to become his other woman. Rank.

Thank you so so much for this comment, which made me cry and which I appreciate a huge amount. Bless you for it x

I have told him that I can only manage ‘all or nothing’ before. Hence going NC. I obviously need to do that again now, even though it will be so hard.

I sought counselling before, which led to going NC. If I continue to feel like this I will go back.

I am somewhat reluctant to talk to a colleague about it because it’s not fair on him really, and because I don’t want to burden them. But I’ll have to see how it actually goes at work. Luckily he won’t be starting for a while yet so things may settle down (or get worse!).

My work concern isn’t about boundaries but is about it impacting my performance. The biggest cock-up I ever made at work, which is still jokingly referred to now years later by those who remember it because it was so big, was caused directly by this relationship. Nobody knows, but immediately prior to the presentation in which I misquoted an order price by hundreds of thousands of pounds, I’d had a very difficult phone call with this guy about him beginning to date the woman he now lives with. My mind was not on work!
And here we are again!