Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

I am going to be a devil's advocate and say I don't think this bloke has done anything particularly bad: if the OP hasn't ever told him he is the love of her life, he may have just thought they were in an off/on fun relationship and not committed to each other. He has now met someone he is committed to. He and OP work in a niche industry and he needed a job, the only one available in their niche industry is where the OP works (can't imagine actively seeking a 70 mile commute). Perhaps as a courtesy as they haven't spoken in years, perhaps because he thought she was a contact in his industry, perhaps because he was looking for a friendly face whilst he settles into his new job, he contacts OP to let her know he is starting there. Imagine if he hadn't and she just saw him at his desk one day: that would have been much worse in my opinion.
However, the OP has got herself in a state over a fantasy life, and I agree with PP that you can change this mindset with work, constant work. You may think he is the love of your life but you are plainly not his.
Even just saying that over and over as a mantra, though I think others have given very good advice on moving on from this fantasy, which is all it is, I 'm afraid. Best of luck to you 💐

Posting because I was once in your shoes a few years back now (at least it sounds very familiar reading your posts), was seeing this guy on and off for over 10 years since we were teenagers and my brain kept being like 'it can't just be coincidence that we keep ending up back together, even if it's only briefly each time, it must be fate!'. This guy also moved in with someone else for a while and I felt so crushed like 'if only he'd given me a real chance'. Then it was even worse, because I hadn't spoken to him in years whilst he was with that woman, but then he told me it had been my name that had been thrown around somehow during their breakup (at least, that's his story🙄). I felt all this misplaced hope that maybe this time we would be together for real. Only that never happened, again. I thought I was so in love with him, I thought I could never do better, sexual attraction off the charts, everything. It was overwhelming for a very long time. I feel so differently about it all now, feels weird to even remember that was genuinely how I felt.

Therapy helped me loads to realise he had let me down big time, not just once, but over and over again, all under the guise of 'well we're not really together'. Only to go back to leading me on emotionally again. It also helped me not to beat myself up for doing that, because I had a whole heap of crap I was dealing with throughout that time which meant I never had time to come up for air and actually think deeply about what was going on relationship-wise. I think it's too easy to fall for these elusive guys (especially if you met him when you were relatively young like I did) when you never actually really get to experience an 'actual relationship' with them. Your brain keeps telling you 'but what if we finally made a real go of it, we've never actually done that, then it might be perfect!'. The truth is, you probably have been experiencing exactly what he is like 'for real' all along, you've just not had the official titles because he's somehow always found an excuse to not do that. Just for whatever reason, he's decided to give the title thing a try with his current partner and even move in with them. That doesn't mean he's suddenly matured and/or is now completely wonderful and/or you 'missed your chance'.

Frankly, heaven help her, if I was her and I heard that he a) found out that his ex was working in the same place he was applying to and then b) immediately met her to have a private coffee so it 'wasn't weird' when you met at work again, there would be some serious conversations taking place. I know you say you work in a niche industry, but is it really so very niche that he couldn't give you both the dignity of just staying out of your life when he found out you were working there and applying somewhere else, without contacting you? Surely there are alternatives, they're probably just more inconvenient for him. I know I wouldn't want to be working with any of my previous exes by choice, even if it meant going somewhere miles away. Especially, as you seem to have made it clear to him, you still are attracted to him. He's potentially putting so much at risk by doing this (his job, your job, his place to live, his current relationship, etc.). This guy just seems like trouble, and not in the 'ooh fun trouble' way, the 'my life and everyone else's around me is ruined' sort of way.

So sorry he's being frankly, quite selfish. Maybe deeply consider if this 'peace offering' to meet for coffee was really anything to do with your feelings, or more to do with him wanting your go ahead for him to muscle in on a workplace you're already established in, when he knows you two have history? Because it might be worth you seriously considering whether it's worth you telling him now, before he starts, if you don't think you two could comfortably work together (and I highly doubt you can if you're still lusting after him but he's literally living with someone else. Especially is he's going to send such ridiculous, vaguely-flirty texts like 'maybe late fate decide' when you're saying you don't know how you're not going to go mad with him being there). It's either that, or you've got to hope he fluffs it somehow in the first few weeks and gets sacked, or you will be the one having to switch jobs to whichever inconvenient place he would have gone to in the first place if he wasn't trying his luck. I know it's hard when your hormones are going nuts and you're just imagining this perfect life with this guy who can occasionally make you laugh, but really do trust me that I've since met a man who does all these things better and without the horrific heartache and pain that comes with the self-centered behaviour of a man like the one you're crazy about right now. I really think you won't be crazy about him forever.

Stay strong, cry all you need to, take time to look after yourself and really reflect on if this relationship is actually good for you. Imo, you need to do whatever you can to continue keeping this man out of your life.

the most sound advice

The op is an adult and knows this is not appropriate so can distance themselves and act like the mature adult they are

I don’t mean it quite like that.

The feelings I have are uncomfortably powerful. I had never felt anything like them before, and when they started I presumed it was a flash in the pan which would simmer down after a while. But they haven’t.

I don’t believe in the soulmates thing or that we are all looking for that one special person who was just for us. Neh. People become right for each other as a result of circumstance and random chance. Like him meeting her when we were NC (she says, fooling herself…)

But I do think that there are people you meet with whom there is a definite special spark. I have met three in my life, and am happily friends of many years with the other two and very glad to be. That’s how we channelled that spark.

But this one was on another level entirely and to be honest I’d not like to feel this way about anyone again. It’s too much. Everything about it is like watching TV with the colours turned up to the max. Like I say, it had all the hallmarks of a brief affair. Yet it went on for years at that level.

i think something lower key would be better for me. But he is what he is.

Thank you for the empathy. Why we never ended up together is too long a story. Timing was off, I wanted to then he wanted to but not at the same time. Stuff came up in our lives. It just didn’t happen over the years. There was never a time when all the ducks lined up. God the number of twists and turns over the years…

We were long distance for a couple of years prior to going NC. Going NC came after he started dating other people and I struggled to cope. Him dating came after he asked if I wanted to be with him properly and I said no, which is a decision I came to as a result of the complications in our lives (distance, the complexities with jobs and housing and caring responsibilities that would have ensued( but which I regretted making as soon as the consequences became clear.

I presumed that he would wait until circumstances were better for us to be properly together. Admittedly this may have been years but I thought our long distance thing was enough. Instead, he started seeing other people, met one he got on with, I went NC because it was horrible for me, and here we are three years later with them living together.

So I don’t know whether that counts as his choice or mine. His probably, but I often run through that conversation we had where I turned him down. Sliding doors and all that.

Thank you. I agree with you on all points.

It’s almost comically bad luck that we have ended up in this job situation but I don’t think for a second he has acted maliciously over it. I was grateful for him for letting me know, for exactly the reasons you say. And he was apologetic and understanding of the potential difficulties.

The only place you’re wrong is where you suggest that he doesn’t know how I feel. He does know.

The fantasy life stuff is difficult to read. The thought that it isn’t true and that I’ve wasted all this time and energy on it all the same is heartbreaking and shameful. Perhaps it is true. But if it is, what does that make me other than a total fool? One who is awake at 3am as well, consumed by it.

Thank you for taking the time to write that. There is much useful stuff in there. I’m sorry you went through what you did, but am pleased that you’re out the other side now x

I hope it helps a little, though I do know very much how hard it is going through it. Thank you also for the well wishes, I really do feel a ton better now, and I hope you do soon as well 😊x

Just to also say about the coffee on Friday. My main reason for suggesting it was because I needed to know the shape of the bomb he’d thrown into my life ie under what circumstances he was re-entering it.

I had no idea about his life until Friday. We had literally had no contact at all for three years until his email about the job three weeks ago, which became a brief exchange setting the coffee date up.

I entered that coffee chop with no idea if he was single, still seeing the same girl, or seeing someone new. I had no idea about how he felt about me either.

I had scenario planned in my head that he might still be with the same person. I didn’t want to believe that it could be the case for a couple of reasons. But for them to be not just together but co-owners of the same house.,, That was mikes beyond my worst case scenario. When he told me I could barely contain myself. It was a horrible moment which, knowing myself and my history with him, I will play back over and over for a long time. I struggled to speak or listen to a lot of the rest of the conversation, and was not in the right frame of mind for us to have attempted to agree a sensible way forward for us both.

So now I know. Every bad thought I’ve had over the last three years has been proved right, and then some. My decision to say no to him that led to him dating has led directly to this. I was an idiot then, I’m an idiot now, and as I type this at half three in the fucking morning in tears I need to sort my fucking life out. God I want to scream.

Jeez what a shock that must have been, I'm sorry you had to find out everything so suddenly like that. It may be hard to remember right now, but you will have said no to him for a reason. It's very rare for a decision like that, that you said no for a bad reason, and you definitely won't have been an idiot for doing it. You've just got 3.30am brain right now so it's really hard to think straight.

Do you have a favourite drink? Maybe not tea or caffeine at this hour, but something warming and/or calming to just sip and focus on? Maybe a couple of biscuits or a small treat too. You've been hit emotionally really hard and you need to make sure you take care of yourself even if it's just little things to start off with. It might sound daft but I even whip out an old soft toy in situations like this and just concentrate on noticing how soft it is.

I have various other calming tricks too so let me know if you'd like any. But honestly, just taking time to grieve is not a bad thing either. Just try very hard not to be cruel to yourself. Isn't it funny how we all are so unflinchingly mean to ourselves most of the time, but if we try and change the narrative to be kind or encouraging it somehow seems unreasonable?

The feelings of infatuation you have for him are only chemical in nature and are tinged by other feelings of missed opportunity and the thrill of the forbidden, because he now belongs to someone else.

There isn’t a law to say you absolutely must act on those feelings just because they feel powerful and like love to you. We don’t always have to believe our feelings are true. In most relationships even when a couple have happily got together, they say powerful feelings of attraction fade within 2 years. And then you are left with the personality that he truly has. He sounds dickish from the way you describe him.

When I was unhappily married, I remember feeling strongly attracted to someone else. It was a form of escapism when Iook back on it. When I had dealt with the marriage problem I had to hand, I didn’t feel the need to escape to fantasy anymore. And to be honest, the object of my infatuation turned out to be quite different anyway. I was so glad I didn’t act on it.

He knows you feel you are the love of his life.
And he enjoys it.
I feel sorry for his partner because he’s manipulating her (does she know about his connection to
him?) and you as well. All this ‘it is a niche job’ we’ll tell him to Niche Off.
Not sure how old you are OP but I am mid 50’s and it does bring some wisdom.
Do you want to keep wasting your precious time on this man? Life travels fast. You don’t want to be on your death bed and think…
You know, I really wished I’d wasted more time on Nigel.
He is a fantasy figure, bathed in time through all of the messages and calls and meet-ups. But it’s not real life. Real life is him clipping his toenails and you getting the hump over him putting the wrong bin out.
He has become a romantic figure in your mind and he knows that, and enjoys it. He doesn’t give a toss about the hurt this delivers. Somebody who knew you felt like this, but did not want to hurt you, would stay well away.
Don’t let fate decide. You decide.
I have learned that self esteem comes from self respect. In how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you.
Don’t treat yourself like this anymore.
You are wasting very valuable time you can never get back.

Thank you. I said no to him because the way our relationship worked at the time suited my needs, and I wanted to keep it like that rather than go through the upheaval necessary to improve it.

Friday was indeed a shock. God… Crying in Costa is not a good look. Luckily I kept a lid on it somewhat and wasn’t full on sobbing!

Thanks for the mindfulness tips. They are helpful x

I don’t feel that I’m the love of his life. I wish I was! I feel he’s the love of mine.

Early on in his relationship with his partner (when he and I were still in contact) he told her about me. It annoyed me because a) they’d known each other about two weeks and I thought it was a bit soon to be talking like that and b) the way he related to me how he’d described me to her seemed dismissive of our own relationship. I would not have described it in those terms.

I don’t know if she knows that we will now be working together again, or met on Friday.

I don’t want to waste time on him. But my problem is getting myself to recognise that it is wasted time. The hope that it isn’t wasted time keeps me spending time on him. I know that’s mad. I need to be strong. But honestly the idea of arguing with him about the bins in our shared house makes me long for it rather than put me off!

I'm sure he does love you. It's not as cut and dried as some people like to make it.

I don't think you're an awful person for wanting more, and I don't think you're in love with a fantasy either. You obviously know him well enough to actually know him.

But he's with someone else. And he loves her - just as much, if not more, than he loved you. He's with her, and that's that.

There's not a lot you can do, really; that's just how life turned out.

You've had a big shock and your emotions will be in overdrive for a while.

See how it goes, try to put into place some of the strategies pp have mentioned.

He sees you as a FWB. I really hope you're not going to make a monumental cunt of yourself over this arsehole. There's more fish in the sea than ever came out of it.

Early on in his relationship with his partner (when he and I were still in contact) he told her about me. It annoyed me because a) they’d known each other about two weeks and I thought it was a bit soon to be talking like that and b) the way he related to me how he’d described me to her seemed dismissive of our own relationship. I would not have described it in those terms.

This is telling. He felt strongly enough about her, very early on, to tell her about you. He also didn't (and doesn't) feel the same about your relationship as you did/do.

Remind yourself of that.

(and not in a 'I have to change his mind' way. In a final, definitive way)

@Misscatel - I’ve written it once and you didn’t go for it but I really wish - for you - that you would stop saying he was the love of your life. It’s like you’re repeatedly stabbing yourself in the heart with a particularly doom-laden message - that it’s all hopeless and there’ll never be anyone like him. Why do that to yourself!?

But I’m very literal and also very bossy.

You mention that there were two other men you felt that spark with. Perhaps a bit less intense but that’s already 3.

And from what you say, could the intensity in part have been situational? Long distance ensures that every meeting is a heartfelt and exciting reunion. You don’t get bored or irritated with each other. And if you had complex divorces and caring responsibilities, then your time together probably felt even more significant and like an escape. There are reasons why you didn’t choose to cement things at the time. Some of the intensity was him but it sounds like some of it was the situation.

I think he’s messing with you and that’s unkind of him. It’s also unkind to his current partner.

I have reminded myself of that pretty much daily for three years. Throughout that time I think what stopped me from going mad was the thought that ‘Oh it was probably nothing with that other woman and it’ll have fizzled out’. To have discovered the opposite has led to this weekend of feeling on the edge of madness.

As a pp said, emotions are at their worst right now. Time will sort it to some degree. But I have to deal with the twin issues of losing him and also reckoning with my own stupidity over the last several years flogging a horse that’s been so evidently dead. And I also have to plan how the fuck work is going to be going forward when he starts there.

I said on Friday that his work decision is the third one regarding us that he’s taken since we began that has been life-altering and which I’ve ended up on the shit end of. The others involved moving away for work. All of them are justifiable, but I always lost. And here we are again.

He’s using you to boost his ego

You honestly will get over it. It actually doesn't take the brain long to let go if you start being bossy with it.

if You really can’t stand this situation, you’ll need to look for ways of changing your life so you never see him . But perhaps it will get easier in time.

There is perhaps truth in what you say. Many of our meetings were escapes. But I loved getting into the weeds of his life. I loved helping with the life admin. All the shit like gas bills and laundry. I loved being involved. It wasn’t just the dopamine hit of a shag.

The ‘love of my life’ thing is shorthand for feelings of unprecedented intensity, over an unprecedentedly long time. When I said I had felt the spark with two others I meant that I knew they were special and that we’d probably always be close and natural in one way or another. And we are, as mates, being able to immediately relax in each others company even if it’s been months since we talked. I love them to bits.

But this guy is on a different level, plus the romantic and sexual element. I’ve never wanted to romance someone like this, and the sexual chemistry is absolutely extraordinary. Those things have never faded. I hadn’t seen him or talked to him for three years but the moment i walked into Costa on Friday it felt like I’d just been out of the room for a minute. I wanted every element of him with the same passion as ever. I wanted our conversation to carry on indefinitely, even though it was at times very distressing to hear what he was saying. Because when we made each other laugh it was like slipping into the warmest bath. I have never, ever felt that with anyone before. I remember the exact date I first felt it, I remember crying when I realised it because I knew I was probably fucked, and I still feel it now.

And I know it’s ridiculous and juvenile and romantic and silly and blah blah blah. I know that. But god it’s like a drug. And I was sober for three years, and now he’s come back dealing it out again in tiny packages when he wants. The bastard. The fucking bastard.