Just when I thought I was out…

[Misscatel]

Long story short - Had an on/off but deeply emotional and often physical relationship with a guy for many years. He’s the love of my life. But there were complications with distance and divorces and kids so we never got together properly. He started seeing other people, I couldn’t hack it, so we went NC. I thought of him every day but I was calm and getting on with my life. Sad, but alright.

We met through work, in a pretty niche Industry. The other week he contacted me out of the blue to say that he had taken a job where I work. He needs a job and mine is one of a very small number of places he could get one.

NC will now not be an option.

We met for coffee yesterday. First meeting in several years. Two notable things happened. Firstly he told me that he now lives with the person he was dating when we went NC, in the house they recently bought together. Secondly, I felt the same thunderclap attraction and total overwhelming with emotion that I first did over a decade ago when this began.

We had missed each other. We made each other laugh. Aside from the shocking news about his living arrangements it was so lovely.

I am now desperate for him.

Typing this message is the first thing I’ve been able to do apart from cry and curl myself up into a ball since we met. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

I guess realness and depth is subjective, but I would disagree. During our long distance phase we spoke daily for hours and had some fantastic times in person together.

What is definitely true is that he is now committed to someone else. God just typing that makes me want to cry.

He might feel like the love of your life, but you’re not his. He’s enjoying the attention and will likely continue to if you let him. Don’t.
I truly thought I’d met the love of my life. And it wasn’t the man I married. But his words and actions didn’t align. And I had to come to the very painful conclusion that I wasn’t going to spend my life with him.
But do you really want to be with someone who behaves like this when he has a partner? He’ll never be the person you’ve made up in your head.
Don’t give him the power to make you feel like this. Set boundaries and be polite at work and only speak when absolutely necessary.

With kindness OP, you sound completely ridiculous.

He doesn't want you as a partner or he would have started a relationship with you over the many years he had opportunity.

Think of your self respect and repeat. He does not want a relationship with me. Then move on with your life.

But all that talk meant nothing.

He was seeing someone else and possibly multiple someone elses and telling them what they wanted to hear and doing things with her or them too.

You're fooling yourself.

Your thing was Schrödinger's thing and you opened the box and it's dead but you keep telling yourself it's alive.

No, I don’t want to be that person when he is with someone else. In part because I don’t want to be a bitch to her but also because I want him to see the consequences of his decisions. I’ve not been able to do that yet, as yesterday’s emotional coffee probably demonstrated to him. I was not the picture of strength!

I disagree about ‘the person I’ve made up in my head’. I know him and his faults well.

But you are right about keeping the contact minimal. It is unbelievably tempting to try and text him. We used to text constantly. For literally years back and forth all day every day apart from when we were actually talking on the phone. And then nothing. And yesterday he rang on the way to the coffee date and I heard his voice again, and saw his name on my screen again, and I could’ve dived right into the past. It’s been so hard not to text today. But I haven’t.

Awww bless you! I really do feel for you. He sounds like your first love and that’s something no one (no matter how much they might protest) really gets over. Do you believe in the red string theory, soulmates? If you do you would know your actual meant to be would never do anything to hurt you- just a very few of us who actually get to find them! Sigh! It does sound like you have a lovely life without him- just imagine him picking his nose every time he talks to you- but you really need to get some type of poker face on before your colleagues catch on.. you don’t want him having that power over you- I really hope it works out for you and you find a way to get over him like he has you. Sometimes the bleeding heart just wants what it wants- try a 40 minute jog in the morning before work- might exhaust some emotions out of you x x

What is definitely true is that he is now committed to someone else.

You need to keep this in mind as if he wanted you all those years ago he could actually have had you but he chose not to pursue it

I would be wary of his friendliness now, he is starting at your company and needs to keep in with you….also he knows that for him to have an acquaintance that he is friendly with already in the company bodes well for him, and people will be more likely to warm to him quickly / less likely to treat him like the ‘new guy’ etc etc

OP I say this as gently as possible, he has only got in contact with you because he’s got something to gain from contacting you, ie his job. If he hadn’t applied for that job he’d be buying the house and living in it with his partner and wouldn’t have contacted you. Don’t be fooled that this contact is him wanting anything more from you other than to make his work life easier.

Sending a hug with that. Be strong in this, he’s not the person you want him to be xx

You are out Op.

Yes. It’s tempting to think that this is the reunion I’d been fantasising about for years during the NC phase whereby he’d come back and we’d live happily ever after. But I know it’s not, and that it’s totally job related.

I had/have one like this too - the one that got away that has the capabilities to steal your heart mind and thoughts at the drop of a hat.
Our hearts are convinced that this is the person we really should have ended up.
I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if he suddenly moved in next door to me!
Probably much the same as you.
What a terrible situation to be in.
Your only viable options seem to be 1. you change jobs 2. you have an honest heart to heart with him about how you feel and put an end to the hope so as you can finally move on 3. do nothing and see how you cope over the next few weeks or so.

I do wonder if he knew where you worked and lived, but still chose to move there, if he either harbours the same hope or just isn't as emotionally invested as you are, hence why he can do it so easily. There is also the possibility that he has made this move with his partner as he is one of these men that has to be sure that the next one is ready, willing and waiting before he casts off the current one.

Oh dear - what a situation to be in and I don't envy you one bit.

Genuine questions:

Why didn't things "worked out" for you? Why aren't you in a relationship with "the love of your life"?

(Sending love in this complicated moment 💐)

You need to have a word with yourself , he didn’t want you before and doesn’t now, he probably met for a coffee so that it wasn’t awkward when he starts his new job.
Do you really believe he does, he has bought a house and lives with someone else , he’s happy , you need to move on and let this go, you sound about 20 talking like this . Sorry to be blunt but it’s true

Don’t be fooled that this contact is him wanting anything more from you other than to make his work life easier

100% agree and I said as much in an earlier post as-well….OP, was it him or you that requested to meet yesterday?

I sort of tried option 2 yesterday but it didn’t put an end to the hope. Maybe it should have done, because ‘I’m three years into a relationship and we’ve just bought a house together’ isn’t brilliant news. But, possibly because he is a knob, he was talking more about how the two of us could get back to being friendly going forward.

The house isn’t where I live. The job will involve a 70 miles each way commute! Rather him than me.

thanks for the empathy x

Absolutely this! “Let fate decide” ??? What an absolute twat. He’s throwing you breadcrumbs because he likes the attention. Take off the rose tinted glasses and see him for what he is! I pity his poor partner.

Me. He contacted me to tell me the job news, and said ‘Let me know if you want to chat’. I suggested coffee.

I know why we met up. I don’t really think he wants me back. I just wonder how I will cope being around him when he is living with a new partner when he says things like wanting to be close friends again.

Long distance, caring responsibilities, tricky divorces.

I am so sorry, this sounds so hard for you, but I think you need to realise here that your feelings, are just that, your feelings. They aren't facts or reality, and definitely not his reality.

You also need to remember he is not with you because he is with someone else now, but because you and he didn't have a comitted relationship before. You weren't not working at it or things got in the way, it didn't exist, however much you feel there was something significant there. It didn't happen as a full blown comitted partnership. And he definitely didn't come back for you.

He will like your attention and focus on him, but that's it. It's an ego boost, flattering, lovely to have the attention and the he could have you if he felt like it.

i would also gently suggest that love is genuinely reciprocated, you are infatuated with an idea of him, it really isn't the same.

If you can practice telling your brain the facts, acknowledging the feelings are just that and stop telling yourself that you are in love, you can rewire things a bit. Practice cool distance, be professional, don't give him anything of yourself. It's the past and you both need to leave it there.

Do you really have to work with him? Is there nothing you can do to avoid this? Move teams or projects?

Be brutally honest with yourself; if there is any way you’re being passive in your work situation by not changing it so you need to work together, then I suggest you think twice.

Well you could tell him you were the love of my life and I can't cope with you crashing back in. Don't know what he will say back! But at least you will have cleared the air and you both will realise you have to keep a distance.

I think, after yesterday and today, I may have to do something like this. It’s just a tough thing to do because the temptation to be his friend (to get some love back from him) is enormous.

An hour or so ago a friend suggested that I rant at him by text, about all the hurt over all the years, and not send it. Just write it. I spent some time doing that. It made me cry so much but has been quite helpful I think.

Noooooooo! Don't tell him he was the love of your life - you will give all the power that way and make yourself vulnerable. It draws you right back in to the torured romance scenario, whih is what he wants a bit of, he doesn't want you.

He really is shitty, disingenguos and manipulative - can you see that? There is no being "close friends" - think how you would feel if your partner was saying that to an ex!

Neutral, professional and cool - no discussion about the past, no cosy chats, no what ifs. That was then and this is now. Do not offer him support, comfort, understanding. Do not entertain him on any level.

Again, and I mean this kindly I think you need to just stop this. It's pretty self indulgent and you seem to be a bit hooked on the possible drama. If you were my friend I would listen for a bit, but then get bored - you cannot endlessly rehearse this. It is boring - aren't you boring yourself? You need to live your life the way you were last week before he texted, not waste a weekend/months/lifetime pining over this dweeb.

I really hope his 70mile commute either keps him WFH or proves entirely untenable.

Yeah. I am bored with it. And my poor friends!
I was over it. I’m hopeful that this is just a blip and that the sadness this time won’t be as all consuming for as long as it was last time. I am aware of the self-indulgence although I’d not say I was hooked on the drama. I was happy without it til he got back in touch.