Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

((TW SA)) Sex

151 replies

nesw1234 · 17/05/2025 07:03

Name changed for this post.
I have been married to DH for 9 years and together 17 years. Last night DH and I had sex. It was enjoyable until he tried to do anal. He didn’t ask, I wasn’t expecting it. I told him ot hurt. He did pull out and say sorry. I was quite shocked at this point and was holding back tears. What has shocked me as he told me to turn over and finished himself off over me.

I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears. When I came back he was asleep. I was still really upset. It took me ages to fall asleep and I had a rough night. I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or not.

OP posts:
idontknowwhattochangemynameto · 18/05/2025 19:47

nesw1234 · 17/05/2025 07:03

Name changed for this post.
I have been married to DH for 9 years and together 17 years. Last night DH and I had sex. It was enjoyable until he tried to do anal. He didn’t ask, I wasn’t expecting it. I told him ot hurt. He did pull out and say sorry. I was quite shocked at this point and was holding back tears. What has shocked me as he told me to turn over and finished himself off over me.

I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears. When I came back he was asleep. I was still really upset. It took me ages to fall asleep and I had a rough night. I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or not.

I do apologise sincerely OP, I really hope you are ok. X

Original poster
nesw1234 · 19/05/2025 05:56

@SingleAHF thanks, we did talk again yesterday. I have made it very clear to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nesw1234 · 19/05/2025 06:00

@Vignetta I think that’s what has confused me as nothing like this has ever happened before. I wouldn’t continue either.

Hd has handled it a lot better yesterday afternoon than what he did in the morning. Within a conversation last night, he said he can see that what he has done is so wrong, illegal and he has hurt me. He is sleeping on the sofa as I need space

OP posts:
Original poster
nesw1234 · 19/05/2025 06:08

I have been trying to contact the 24/7 rape crisis online chat since Saturday but cannot get through. Is it usually this difficult. I can call them later today if needed

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 19/05/2025 08:39

@nesw1234 i don’t know how long is usual for getting through to the rape crisis centre but do keep trying. You are not alone and we are all here to support you.

S0j0urn4r · 19/05/2025 08:50

If you look on their website you'll find your local centre.

wrongthinker · 19/05/2025 09:20

OP it's good that he can see what he's done is wrong. But that's the bare minimum. (Not to mention the fact that it's taken days of argument and discussion for him to even get there.)

What's his plan for how he's going to fix this? Rebuild the trust he's destroyed? Help you process your trauma? Fix his misogyny and selfishness? Kick his porn habit? Learn that your body is yours, not his? It sounds like the work of many years, but I'm betting he thinks a sincere apology will be enough for you to make it all okay for him.

And still no way of knowing if he'll decide to rape you again. It only costs him a few days' grovelling, after all.

ALittleBitWooo · 19/05/2025 10:45

nesw1234 · 19/05/2025 06:08

I have been trying to contact the 24/7 rape crisis online chat since Saturday but cannot get through. Is it usually this difficult. I can call them later today if needed

I’ve got through to them a few times after about a 15 minute wait. I’d suggest trying again if that’s what you want, they’ve always been extremely kind and helpful when I’ve called, even if you need to just cry down the phone for 45 minutes x

S0j0urn4r · 20/05/2025 20:22

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
nesw1234 · 21/05/2025 06:18

@S0j0urn4rthanks for checking in. I’m doing ok. I still haven’t been able to get through to the chat on the 24/7 line. Im not really up for a phone call. Luckily work has been extremely busy this week. A much needed distraction.

He is still on the sofa and respecting that I need space. He has said he has read up on rape and sexual assault and said what he did was so wrong and still apologising.

I still need time to decide what next

OP posts:
K8ate · 21/05/2025 08:09

nesw1234 · 21/05/2025 06:18

@S0j0urn4rthanks for checking in. I’m doing ok. I still haven’t been able to get through to the chat on the 24/7 line. Im not really up for a phone call. Luckily work has been extremely busy this week. A much needed distraction.

He is still on the sofa and respecting that I need space. He has said he has read up on rape and sexual assault and said what he did was so wrong and still apologising.

I still need time to decide what next

What is it you want to happen?
Should he be reported and receive a prison sentence?
Should he take responsibility and report himself to the police?
Should you file for a divorce?
Do you need a cooling off period and things go back to ‘normal’?
Do you generally have a good relationship (everyone has their ups and downs) and this is out of character?
Do you not feel safe with him and think he is a risk to others?

S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 08:18

Hi OP. I wonder if there's a local organisation you might have more success contacting?

wrongthinker · 21/05/2025 08:22

He's read up on rape... what the fuck, man? So he had no idea that forcing himself on his partner while she said no and cried was wrong?

I'm sorry but I would never trust this man again. You do not deserve to be treated so cruelly by anyone, let alone the person who is supposed to love you and be your life partner. Even if he didn't understand the definition of rape before he raped you, he knew that he was forcing you, hurting you, and betraying you - and he didn't care.

Please, please make yourself safe from this man, OP. You deserve to feel safe in your home and in your relationships.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/05/2025 13:21

nesw1234 · 21/05/2025 06:18

@S0j0urn4rthanks for checking in. I’m doing ok. I still haven’t been able to get through to the chat on the 24/7 line. Im not really up for a phone call. Luckily work has been extremely busy this week. A much needed distraction.

He is still on the sofa and respecting that I need space. He has said he has read up on rape and sexual assault and said what he did was so wrong and still apologising.

I still need time to decide what next

Women's Aid has a chat service and Refuge have a chat service,you can keep trying both of those. Neither are 24/7.

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 13:33

It sounds like his reaction is respectful and he understands the seriousness and the impact of what he did OP. If he was still blaming you and minimising at this point I would be very worried but it sounds like there is a way back from this if that’s what you want.

LondonFox · 21/05/2025 13:39

nesw1234 · 17/05/2025 08:34

Rest of the relationship has been ok. Does his fair share of house work/parenting.

It’s thrown me as it’s just so out of character. I thought I knew him

I’m not entirely sure how to raise it, I will though

Don't raise it.
Buy a dildo on ebay and attack him in the middle of the night.
If unarranged anal is amazing idea he will surelly like it ;)

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/05/2025 13:45

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 13:33

It sounds like his reaction is respectful and he understands the seriousness and the impact of what he did OP. If he was still blaming you and minimising at this point I would be very worried but it sounds like there is a way back from this if that’s what you want.

Don't be bloody ridiculous. Stop trying to encourage a victim of horrific abuse to stay with her partner.

wrongthinker · 21/05/2025 14:18

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 13:33

It sounds like his reaction is respectful and he understands the seriousness and the impact of what he did OP. If he was still blaming you and minimising at this point I would be very worried but it sounds like there is a way back from this if that’s what you want.

What are you talking about? Ffs shall we just get all the rapists in prison to say they're sorry and let them out?

I doubt very much that you would want to stay married to someone who brutally raped you while you cried, even if they were very very sorry about it.

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 21:41

@wrongthinker @MiloMinderbinder925 I’m not encouraging the OP to do anything, I was just worried that she has a lot of people on here here telling her very forcefully what she should think and feel and do, and she sounds very overwhelmed. And from her updates, he doesn’t sound like a such a completely cut and dried irredeemable shit show as most of the men people post about on here. It’s her life so she gets to decide what to do.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/05/2025 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HardyNavyBear · 21/05/2025 21:51

What he did was f**d up!

Anal is not something a man just does to you unless he asks and you consent. Anal is that “forbidden” sex act that some guys get off on and that usually is not comfortable at all for women. My DH is always “jokingly”mentioning doing that and it is clearly not something I want to do because I don’t like it but at least he knows we talk about it prior. I would kick his ass out if he ever did something like that to me. That is totally violating you and it’s not OK just because you’re in a long-term relationship or married. i’m so sorry that you had to experience this.

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 21:53

Oh god I didn’t realise that. How sad. I think I may have actually read some of the other threads.

Original poster
nesw1234 · 21/05/2025 22:04

@MiloMinderbinder925 what else have I posted?

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 22/05/2025 07:28

EllieEllie25 · 21/05/2025 21:41

@wrongthinker @MiloMinderbinder925 I’m not encouraging the OP to do anything, I was just worried that she has a lot of people on here here telling her very forcefully what she should think and feel and do, and she sounds very overwhelmed. And from her updates, he doesn’t sound like a such a completely cut and dried irredeemable shit show as most of the men people post about on here. It’s her life so she gets to decide what to do.

I am slightly worried about you. How can you think that a rapist is a better husband than most of the ones that get posted about on here? He anally raped his wife while she cried and said no, then he turned her over, masturbated on her, and went to sleep. I truly hope you wouldn't think that was an okay thing to do to anyone, or something that could be fixed by an apology.

S0j0urn4r · 26/05/2025 16:52

@nesw1234 How are you doing?

Swipe left for the next trending thread