((TW SA)) Sex

[nesw1234]

Name changed for this post.
I have been married to DH for 9 years and together 17 years. Last night DH and I had sex. It was enjoyable until he tried to do anal. He didn’t ask, I wasn’t expecting it. I told him ot hurt. He did pull out and say sorry. I was quite shocked at this point and was holding back tears. What has shocked me as he told me to turn over and finished himself off over me.

I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears. When I came back he was asleep. I was still really upset. It took me ages to fall asleep and I had a rough night. I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or not.

This is sexual assault. If he claims otherwise, offer to have the local police explain the law to him.

the Same happened to me OP - it was actually my first time having sex. It felt like rape and I would consider it as such. I’m so, so sorry.

Wow that would put you off sex forever. I hope you’ve come to realise that not all men are like that. 💐

I hope you spoke to him tonight, that’s not ok.
He turned into a monster without warning when you were at your most vulnerable and trusting.
On a practical level check your anus is ok. I can’t really offer practical advice on this other than watch out for bleeding and seek medical attention if it really doesn’t feel right. I’ve only done anal a few times and it isn’t for me as every time it’s been unenjoyable and painful fir a few days after ( and that was after going slow, lube and prep that we would try this as well as firm agreement).

We did talk, it was really late by the time the children went to bed so I didn’t ask him to leave. He apologised and said he got carried away in the moment. It was a really awkward conversation and he didn’t want to talk. I ended up getting really shitty and then word vomit of how much it hurt me, it’s made me sore. I said you didn’t even notice me crying. I said anal is not ok, what you did wasn’t ok. It was really wrong. He got upset and said sorry again. I said I don’t want sex again, at all. He didn’t say anything else so I just went to bed. He then came to bed, rolled over and went to sleep.

Imo what your husband did is non consensual sex - so rape.

He's simply not taking this seriously.
Would he go to counselling with you?
Or perhaps he'd like an 8 inch dildo shoved up his arse with no lube and no warning? I'm being sarcastic, although it WOULD show him how much it hurts
He's a tosser 😡

@chatgptsbestmateno I don’t think he is.

I could suggest counselling and see what he says.

I am tempted to suggest the dildo!

Does he normally avoid difficult conversations op?

I’m so sorry, i don’t think i could get past this. It’s ok to have got shitty with him too.

I wish I could just give you a big hug.

I agree with both of those statements.

Sometimes you feel people are clamouring to be the first to shout rape, which is pretty unseemly imo.

OP, I hope you get a heartfelt apology from your husband and an acknowledgement that he has behaved very poorly.

He should also do something about your sex life being so one-sided.

I am trying to picture what would happen with my DH in this scenario.....but I know it just wouldn't ever happen. IF something happened between us that had hurt me (neither of us into anal at all though so wouldn't even attempt it) during sex, he would immediately stop and check I am ok etc etc. The getting you to turn over and finishing himself off is just.....so detached and must make you feel worthless. No care, no worrying about you. Actually really quite shocking OP. My DH would and has stopped immediately if something (anything) hasn't been right during sex and been nothing but kind and loving. Not that he's ever hurt me.

I hope you are ok? It doesn't sound like he's taking this seriously enough and to be clear, you have done absolutely nothing wrong here. I don't even like how your conversation ended about it. My DH has actually very poor communication from years of abuse, however....he would not be like this and would be totally mortified if he thought he had hurt me.

How did you feel after the conversation?

This is a huge infringement of your rights. How you move on after this, I’m not sure, all I can think is that you need space, certainly space from him. Sleep alone, at the very least. I’m uncertain if he truly realises how appalling and disrespectful his behaviour has been. He’s spoilt so much. Sending you warm hugs.

Thank you everyone.

@maxybrownto be honest I feel completely used. I’m not sure who I married. I’m just really confused.

He is still asleep so we will see how awkward things are when he wakes.

I could just never forgive him .

I think counselling might help him understand what he's done.

I think the dildo would too, but perhaps I'm being childish in suggesting it!

Did you use the word rape when you spoke to him @nesw1234 ? It sounds like he's minimising what happened and giving a half assed sorry for hurting you. Please don't let him minimise, be firm and clear with your words "you raped me" "you made me feel worthless" "you clearly hurt me and showed no concern" "you didn't even check in with me yesterday when you knew I was upset, I had to bring it up to you"
I second a PP if he tries to minimise it was rape get the police to explain the law and definition to him, I'm not saying you need to go as far as charges (although you'd be justified if you did and it's your choice and right to do so) but he needs to understand the seriousness of what he did, if he doesn't then it will likely happen again

I’m so sorry this happened. Your h sexually assaulted you. Well done for having the courage to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Only you can decide what you want to do now. Can you get past this? Should you? Do you want to? Will you ever trust him again?

he doesn’t seem to understand how serious this is. That would worry me, a lot.

Sorry this happened! That’s awful.
this could do with a trigger warning @mumsnet

He is disgusting to do something like and even more so without asking. Has he tired or suggested it before? Of course it hurt, he is a beast. That would finish the relationship for me.

He "got carried away" - let me translate. He decided that his pleasure in the moment was more important than your feelings, wishes, boundaries and dignity. He thought "fuck it" and decided to do what he wanted to your body as though it belonged to him and not you. He didn't care if it hurt you. In fact he enjoyed it. Instead of your tears ending the assault, he continued to use your body as a masturbatory aid. Then went to sleep without a second thought for you.

I'm very sorry, OP, but this is a dealbreaker. If you stay in the relationship, he will do it again and again. You need to work out how you exit safely and with your kids safe too.

I dont usually say LTB on here.However I would be rethinking this seriously. Porn has a lot to answer IMO .The total lack of respect for your feelings, and the fact it has left you very sore ,seems to suggest he is only thinking of his own pleasure .

He raped you and then pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't have to deal with your completely warranted distress. His behaviour is completely unacceptable, not to mention criminal. He used you and treated you like an object, not a human being who would feel emotional and physical pain. I would not be able to get over such disgusting treatment by someone who is supposed to care about me.

Thank you everyone, this has made me rethink our marriage.

His response this morning has been telling. He hasn’t spoken to me at all. Just sat on his phone. It’s very frosty