((TW SA)) Sex

[nesw1234]

Name changed for this post.
I have been married to DH for 9 years and together 17 years. Last night DH and I had sex. It was enjoyable until he tried to do anal. He didn’t ask, I wasn’t expecting it. I told him ot hurt. He did pull out and say sorry. I was quite shocked at this point and was holding back tears. What has shocked me as he told me to turn over and finished himself off over me.

I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears. When I came back he was asleep. I was still really upset. It took me ages to fall asleep and I had a rough night. I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or not.

@nesw1234 wow, he hurt and upset you and is causing further distress by not talking to you. He’s trying to make out you’ve caused an issue when he is 100% to blame. Sorry you are going through this. I hope you feel less alone posting on here.

Btw when is said hurt and upset didn’t mean to minimise what’s happened . I do u understand what happened as assault / rape.

Is this his usual reaction when he knows he's wrong but doesn't want to face it?

It’s obviously not ok what he did but even if he did ‘just get carried away’, why on earth is he being frosty towards you this morning and not grovelling and trying to make you feel reassured?

Wait until he’s asleep tonight and stick a carrot up his arse! See how he reacts.

I think I’d be insisting!

@nesw1234 mutual consent is a must to sexual fantasies exploration…your DH is out of order. You must bring it up in conversation and letDH know he was totally wrong and it’s affected you in many ways far more than he realises. ✊🏿

I just raised it again, he said it was heat of the moment and he didn’t realise he hurt me. I said but it did and it’s classed as rape/sexual assault. He then said he would never do that on purpose it was just heat of the moment and he didn’t realise he has hurt me. He said he doesn’t know what to say except he is sorry.

He needs to SHOW you he's sorry, not just say the words. For me if he'd been sitting silently on his phone all morning instead of proactively bringing it up and saying how sorry he was, or giving you a cuddle, i wouldn't believe him to be honest. Anyone can say words but it's actions that matter.

I think.a counsellor would be a good thing for you both. Not just for this but for sex in general if it's regularly one sided.

@@Cardinalita90 he has tried cuddling me but I’m just not ready for that.

He is upset that I could even suggest it was sexual assault/rape. He said he is angry at himself that it happened and that he hurt me as that’s the last thing he would want.

I honestly think he knows it was wrong but doesn't actually realise the seriousness of what he's done.Saying he got carried away is no excuse.What if he gets carried away next time,what else would it lead to.

Maybe that's why he's so quiet? Because he's angry at himself? I'm assuming this quietness after an argument is normal for him?

It sounds like he is genuinely sorry. I'm guessing it won't happen again?

Does he watch anal porn?

He’s minimising it hugely. It is sexual assault. Being carried away - just excuses. He was not thinking of you in that moment.

he’s not even acting sorry, just playing the victim himself.

he needs to realise how serious this is. Can you ask him to leave for a while to give you space?

Might be an idea to stay with family while you get your head sorted.

This is so difficult for you because as well asbdealing with the trauma, you're also having to spell out to him why what he's done is so awful and wrong.
It's assault because he physically hurt you, same as if he'd hit you. It's rape because he penetrated you with his penis without your consent. In fact in the knowledge that you wouldn't want him to and didn't like it.
It's not your responsibility to get him to understand all this.
I would consider looking online for appropriate support services for sexual assault, and ask him to ring them up and engage with them. He needs to educate himself to take responsibility and to be able to work on putting this right with you.
I would recommend you call support organisation yourself for help as a victim of sexual assault.
In the meantime also ask him to move into spare room, so you can get some control back and feel safe again in your bed.

Clearly not the last thing he would want as when he "got carried away" it was exactly what he wanted.

He thought he was going to get away with it and is angry because you're not letting him.

He raped you and he is trying to make you feel like the bad person for not forgiving him and pretending everything is fine.

Why are people suggesting going to counseling with him?

He raped her. She's doesn't need to be seeking counseling with him as a way to somehow make this ok. People shouldn't feel obliged to go to counseling with their rapist as if this only happened due to a communicated problem. I wonder who it is that would be tasked with arranging said counseling as well. Counseling on your own is definitely a good idea though op.

You can't accidentally anally rape someone. He knew what he was doing.

If my husband did this, my marriage would be over. I couldn't ever look at him the same way.

He is currently laid in bed

I’m not even sure what to think anymore

Agree - nothing less than 30 years is acceptable here.

Hi OP
Police here.
This is rape. You can show your husband this message.
If you wish to report this please contact 101. If not please reach out to one of the many rape charities which can offer you emotional support.

Please take care

I agree and he should get 30 years for this

That's rape

Has he developed a porn habit?

I couldn't forgive him for this