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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

((TW SA)) Sex

151 replies

nesw1234 · 17/05/2025 07:03

Name changed for this post.
I have been married to DH for 9 years and together 17 years. Last night DH and I had sex. It was enjoyable until he tried to do anal. He didn’t ask, I wasn’t expecting it. I told him ot hurt. He did pull out and say sorry. I was quite shocked at this point and was holding back tears. What has shocked me as he told me to turn over and finished himself off over me.

I went to the bathroom and just burst into tears. When I came back he was asleep. I was still really upset. It took me ages to fall asleep and I had a rough night. I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or not.

OP posts:
TeenyTotAndTiny · 18/05/2025 11:19

dontcryformeargentina · 17/05/2025 09:07

He sees you as an object to satisfy his sexual desires. No respect at all. You need to reset your relationship or leave

This 100% !!!

Sal17690 · 18/05/2025 11:22

He's 'sorry it happened?' That's a very passive way of explaining it. It didn't happen. He did it!

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 18/05/2025 11:25

nesw1234 · 18/05/2025 07:15

@chatgptsbestmateno I don’t think he is.

I could suggest counselling and see what he says.

I am tempted to suggest the dildo!

Don't suggest it. Just shove a dildo in his ass, quickly and with no warning. Then treat it as if it's not a big deal. Because that would be the equivalent to what he's done to you!

ReacherOMGyes · 18/05/2025 11:26

I think you need to sit him down and ask WHY he thought it was ok to do. It's not just the anal it's the turning you over and finishing himself on you, seems a very porn-esqu thing to do.

My point is does he have a problem watching too much porn and thinks it ok to do these things. He really needs to self reflect on why he felt it was ok to do this to his wife who wasn't even consenting

TeenyTotAndTiny · 18/05/2025 11:31

nesw1234 · 18/05/2025 08:43

Thank you everyone, this has made me rethink our marriage.

His response this morning has been telling. He hasn’t spoken to me at all. Just sat on his phone. It’s very frosty

I would be tempted to copy this mumsnet thread and send it to him. Watch him squirm as it pops up on his phone. Maybe edit your title to anal rape because that is what he did. Vile individual!

Queenofkittens · 18/05/2025 11:35

Sounds like he's been watching way too much porn!!

ALittleBitWooo · 18/05/2025 11:35

This is rape, he didn’t ask for consent because he knew you’d say no. He knows full it’s not something you’d have agreed to after you’ve previously told him you don’t enjoy it. I’m sorry this has happened to you and I hope you have real life support.

moose62 · 18/05/2025 11:39

You say you dont know what to think about it....what would you like to happen? How do you want him to respond? Is there anything you would like him to do?
It is fine for all of us to say what we might do or not do...but this is your life...so how would you like to proceed?

TeenyTotAndTiny · 18/05/2025 11:42

nesw1234 · 18/05/2025 10:55

He is currently laid in bed

If this had happened to me he would be out the door or at the very least he would be sleeping on the sofa until he found somewhere else to live. He needs to get up strip the bed, do the laundry and fuck off.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 18/05/2025 12:13

Is he watching a lot of aggressive porn which is normalising this sort of behaviour for him? I

I’m not remotely trying to excuse the fact that he assaulted you - but wondering if he has a significant problem with porn which is dehumanising the female experience entirely for him.

when (and if) you are ready to process this with him - it’s probably worth casting the net wider than this individual incident.

why, when you pull your weight round the house and treat me like a person in other areas of our lives, do you focus exclusively on yourself during sex?

how often are you watching porn?

why do you behave like my sexual experience is unimportant to you?

do you care whether sex is enjoyable for me?

parietal · 18/05/2025 12:18

Have a good think about what you want next.

do you want him to move out? Do you want him to do something that shows he understands just how badly he went wrong? Go to counselling or similar?

fatphalange · 18/05/2025 12:32

He couldn’t care less. I’d be more inclined to believe he is laying around sulking as opposed to feeling anything like regretful or sorry. Horrible bastard.

askmenow · 18/05/2025 12:39

Sunshine1500 · 18/05/2025 08:21

Sorry this happened! That’s awful.
this could do with a trigger warning @mumsnet

Don't be ridiculous!!! Bloody trigger warnings you precious petal...GROW UP.
This is out and out rape! Penetration without consent.
Use the words, be clear and straight with him OP. He doesn't get to use you . Chuck him out to his mothers to reflect on his actions. And threaten to tell his mother about the abuse.
And while you're at it check his online presence/computer etc. I'm livid on your behalf. A considerate partner would never behave like this.

askmenow · 18/05/2025 12:41

TeenyTotAndTiny · 18/05/2025 11:31

I would be tempted to copy this mumsnet thread and send it to him. Watch him squirm as it pops up on his phone. Maybe edit your title to anal rape because that is what he did. Vile individual!

Show quote history

☝Yes do this and tell him you'll copy his mother into it aswell.

idontknowwhattochangemynameto · 18/05/2025 12:51

Personally wouldn’t say it’s rape, you told him to stop he did. The turning over bit you could have said no. I’d definitely speak to him and tell him how it’s made you feel though, definitely not fair on you to be upset and he’s gone to sleep. Sending hugs and hope you’re ok.

OchreRaven · 18/05/2025 12:53

I agree that he has likely been watching a lot of porn. He was acting out what he saw rather than considering whether you wanted it, and whether it was pleasurable for you.

Only you can determine whether he genuinely made a bad decision in the moment thinking you would enjoy it. He said sorry and stopped. If that had been it, and he had checked you were ok and comforted you, it could be put down to stupidity. But treating you like an object when you were clearly shaken and had said no, is what he really needs to think about.

Sex is about communication and trust. Not all communication is verbal and sometimes things happen in the moment. I’ve certainly been in situations where my H has tried things and I’ve had to tell him it hurt/I didn’t want it. But the difference is I know that he would never want to do something I didn’t enjoy. I trust his intentions.

It’s understandable that this had broken your trust in him. I wouldn’t be intimate with him until he really understood how it made you feel and why he acted like that in the first place. If you choose to continue your sexual relationship and something like this ever happened again that should be the end.

Swettyelizabeth · 18/05/2025 13:00

idontknowwhattochangemynameto · 18/05/2025 12:51

Personally wouldn’t say it’s rape, you told him to stop he did. The turning over bit you could have said no. I’d definitely speak to him and tell him how it’s made you feel though, definitely not fair on you to be upset and he’s gone to sleep. Sending hugs and hope you’re ok.

Bull fucking shit.

He penetrated her anally without consent. It's rape.

Fuck off with your victim blaming.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 18/05/2025 15:36

Putting aside the whole discussion about rape and sex, and everything else: he did something PAINFUL to you, knowing it's painful and without asking. How would you feel, OP, if he did punch you, or kicked you, deliberately, without prior discussion?
Lots of people enjoy pain in sex, but imposing it to the other without discussion and without consent is fucked up and unforgivable.
And it sounds like your pain turned him on, so much he wanted to b finish it.
(I'm so angry on your behalf. And I say that as someone who sometimes enjoys kinky sex)

Original poster
nesw1234 · 18/05/2025 15:41

I appreciate all the comments. He got out of bed as soon as he realised I wasn’t going to see if he was ok.

I ended up sorting washing and hanging washing out. He came to find me, he apologised again for making me feel like this. He said he is appalled with himself and gave me a hug.

l said I want him to sleep downstairs whilst I think about things. He could go to his parents but he is doing some of the school runs this week and his parents house isn’t local.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 15:59

He got out of bed as soon as he realised I wasn’t going to see if he was ok.

WTAF?????
Hoping I misread that.

wrongthinker · 18/05/2025 16:04

Okay so he is appalled at himself. But how can you trust that he won't do it again? He has raped you - an apology is not enough. He needs to go a lot deeper to explain why he thought he could just rape you and it didn't matter. Why he considers your body to be an object for his sexual use. Why he gets pleasure from hurting someone he is supposed to love.

An apology isn't ever going to be enough for you to trust him and feel safe with him. He seems to have very little understanding or empathy. If you let this go, I can guarantee he will do it again and next time the apology will be even more pathetic. The time after that, maybe he won't even give an apology. The fact is that if you rape your wife, you have destroyed your marriage. Sorry OP but you will regret forgiving him and letting this go.

Planesmistakenforstars · 18/05/2025 16:06

He has assaulted you, and yet he is feeling sorry for himself. A grown man pulling some childish shit laying in bed thinking it's your job to come and make him feel better. On top of that he is not taking responsibility for what he did. He doesn't even want you to call it what it is because it makes him feel bad. As if assaulting you wasn't unforgivable enough. What a sack of shit.

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 16:07

OP I'm thinking you're probably in shock at the moment. I hope you're okay.

wrongthinker · 18/05/2025 16:09

S0j0urn4r · 18/05/2025 15:59

He got out of bed as soon as he realised I wasn’t going to see if he was ok.

WTAF?????
Hoping I misread that.

Right, so he is making himself the victim here. Now he's going to mope around all sad, wondering why you won't just forgive him. He can't help himself, he got carried away, etc etc. Well if he "got carried away" once and it's out of his control then essentially he's saying it's not in his control whether he rapes you or not.

Even if you believe his claim to have raped you by accident, he is still completely untrustworthy because according to that bollocks even he doesn't know if he's going to rape you or not.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 18/05/2025 16:16

Any penetration without consent is rape. It sounds like he's been selfish sexually for years and has now raped and degraded you.

I would contact Rape Crisis for support. They're open 24/7.