Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

He's going to be dog tired for a good few years of his life if you have kids together OP. If he is involved in any of the childcare that is. Or will you be doing it all so he doesn't have his "weird,tired moods?" You need to think this whole thing through properly.

You need to sit down with him to talk. It could be he’s just being shitty because work is stressful. But that’s no excuse to talk to you like that. Disagreements should be handled with both people being heard. Yes you might not end up agreeing fully, but that’s not to say you can’t be listened to. His reaction to this conversation will give you the answer you need.

Ok but what point are you making…you are trying words but not giving any context or opinion.

and I hate having to ask people why they are tagging me

Mumsnet can be a very forthright place, and many posters have escaped from (or are still trapped in) abusive relationships, and what you've said about him not pandering to you (ie: no longer letting you have an equal right to voice your opinion) is ringing alarm bells and waving red flags for many. I know you don't want to hear what they are saying, but that is why people have reacted the way they have and told you not to marry him.

Maybe you need to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart about this, and get some confirmation of what he actually means. I'm inclined to think that what he wants is to be the one who 'wears the trousers' in the relationship, and you will need to defer to him on matters the two of you disagree about.

I'm sure you won't want to be the subordinate to his dominant in the relationship, so sort it out now. Then you will know where you stand, and what you are letting yourself in for.

Sit him down and explain what you’ve learned from the bitter experience (yes) of the women on this thread. Women who’ve spent decades with tired men. Women who’ve been stamped out and shut down by years of silent treatment. Women who’ve wished that at 32 they’d either had a frank conversation, or left and never looked back. Talk and give him a chance to reconsider his position, or leave. Either way don’t ignore this massive red flag OP.

Eeek - I would suggest only doing that if she's in a couple's counselling meeting of somesuch when she does it: if he is behaving aggressively then finding out that his partner has been talking about his bad behaviours on a public webforum will go down like a turd soufflé.

@Caligirl80 fair point. Maybe possible to articulate what she’s learned without explaining how she’s learned it.

@Potentialfuturemother I can see why you think the comments you have received are cold-hearted and cruel. But have you never heard the phrase "You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind"? I mean, we could all be immediately 'kind' and make soothing noises. But would that actually be kind to you in the long run? His recent behaviour has unsettled you enough to come on to the internet and ask for opinions. You know there's something up, and you hoped to find people with knowledge here who could answer the questions swirling around your mind since he came out with that.

Well, truth is - you have found people with knowledge of this sort of behaviour. And that knowledge has prompted them to tell you that you have a serious problem on your hands. Where did this knowledge come from? From the countless thread on here over many, many years where women have posted that their previously lovely partner has been body-snatched by an identical man who behaves completely differently from their previously lovely partner.

And what has brought about this personality transplant? A very short list of very similar circumstances.
. becoming financially dependent on him through unemployment or disability
. engagement
. marriage
. pregnancy
. giving birth

Essentially, the man has considered that the woman is now 'trapped' in the relationship and cannot now leave; and so they relax and allow the mask they have worn until now to slip. And be under no illusion - the previously lovely behaviour was a mask worn to cover the real man, the one that is no longer lovely because he reckons he doesn't have to expend that energy any more, he can just be himself.

The man who said "that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on"? That is who he really is. The mask is off. Now, if you baulk he may well slip that mask back on for a time, realising he let it slip too soon. But as you go deeper into that short list - especially pregnancy - it WILL be discarded again. And more permanently.

So give your situation some serious thought. It's your life, only you can make decisions about it. But please, make that decision armed with knowledge - knowledge that was bitterly won by many women on whom the trap had already sprung.

When I finally managed to leave my abusive marriage of 20 years I realised (among many other things) that for most of that time I'd been telling myself "he's just having a bad day", " he's having a tough week at work" and so on.
I thought the abuse was the exception but, once I escaped, I could see it was actually the norm.
It starts gradually. It becomes the normal and you stop being able to see it.
Abuse victims often dismiss anyone who tells them they're being abused. They think it isn't abuse it's just that "he's having a bad day." And so it goes on.
I escaped 15 years ago and still suffer the effects of the emotional and mental abuse. I also still have pain in my arm where he broke it.
The way I describe it is like being a frog in a pot with the heat being turned up. You don't realise it's happening until you're boiled alive.
This may be a one off and everything may be fine.
Or it might not be.

Sorry for long post.

He's right, you're wrong, and he's not prepared to listen to your opinion or view point. Everything that goes wrong, will be your fault, not his. You'll spend time walking on egg shells wondering what mood he'll be in, what you'll be blamed for next and trying to appease him. Don't marry him, definitely don't have children with him and get out of the relationship. You are already avoiding saying more to him after the row, because you don't want to escalate it, so you're internally seething but not saying any more to him. So you're appeasing him. This will be your life going forward, until your self-esteem is no more and you just go along with him to keep the peace.

Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. You I mean. Weird moods, and now talking to you like a child. Well it's worked hasn't it, you are now taking steps to not exacerbate the sitiuation ie not upset him. Round one to him.

Sunk cost fallacy: the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial

8 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things ... you don't want to spend your life tip toeing around him because he's 'stressed' and your opinions don't count as much as his according to him. And you definitely don't want to raise children in a house like that.

Another way of looking at it is that he feels he's been pandering to you all this time and yet despite 12 years together you had no idea he was doing this. You may not know him quite as well as you think.

He’s not abusive or horrible in any way

ok great , but ask yourself what were you asking us for ?

tips to manage unfair criticism ? How to smooth his bad moods? How to argue so as to not upset or rile him up when he is stressed ??

Well the natural response would be "where did you learn something like that?" and if she feels the need to lie or not tell him she's been seeking advice online that kinda should tell her all she needs to know about whether she's scared of him. What an unfortunate situation. She really needs to talk to a properly trained therapist who can give her some objective feedback about her experience and help her figure out why the situation bothered her enough to want to ask a public forum for guidance.

You have hit the nail on the head - you are exactly right. I am so sorry you had to suffer through this too. It's only in hindsight oftentimes that we realise just how anxious we were and how many eggshells we had to step on. I hope you are much happier now.

Things are going to change and he’s going to stop ‘pandering’ to you?!
Despite the length of time you’ve been together and how lovely he usually is, I would definitely be alarmed at that sort of statement.
Regardless of how tired he is, that’s not something that comes out without some seriously odd views.
I would be sitting down and trying to find out exactly what he meant by that comment, and fully prepared to not go through with the marriage if his explanation is not up to scratch.
My DH and I are both tired, we work, have 3 children and multiple pets and nothing like that has ever been uttered.
Ive walked one of our dogs before that really is my DH’s dog as he spends pretty much all his time with him at work and he injured himself. My husband didn’t berate me or tell me it was my fault….. He listened to my rather garbled explanation because I was on my way to vets and was concerned about me and the dog.
Your partner shot down your opinion, told you he basically wouldn’t be interested in your thoughts going forward and that he had been pandering you so far. Regardless of sex, relationship, length of time i’d known someone I would not be letting that statement go…

Ok, well next time just say 'I don't care what your opinion is, I know it wasn't my fault the dog got injured' or whatever it is he's accusing you of.
Or you could just say 'I know you're not dear and neither am I to you.'

He won't pander to you, so don't pander to him.

He's trying to be controlling but just don't accept it. Carry on as normal and don't shut up just because he claims he's not 'pandering'.

I'm wondering - 12 years is a long time to be together and then decide to get married. Why did it take this length of time? Did something happen to precipitate this?

This.

Tips to manage his bad humour and moods?

You want to inflict him on children.

Talk to Women's aid because you sound deep in denial.

@Potentialfuturemother is clearly in denial / under his spell etc, I doubt she will be back 😶

Here's a tip for you. Say it's a reverse and you're on about your wife. Everyone will start to say you've provoked her and if she needs to be more firm it's because you've walked all over her feelings for years

Nowhere quite like Mumsnet to reveal the alarming amount of people who seemingly have no concept of communication. Get rid of him, red flag etc. - so rather than get to the bottom of a perplexing change of behaviour in someone you love, you just bin them? Fucking hell 😂

@Potentialfuturemother you’ve most likely (and understandably) abandoned this thread, but my advice to you is to sit down and talk about his reaction. Approach it like a Scientist would and not a Lawyer, that is to say investigate what’s happening behind the scenes and seek to truly understand, rather than ‘win’ by proving a point. Good luck

I think your being unfair. You asked opinions and people gave them to you.
You either have a conversation with him and he understands it hurt you or it's a one off or this is just him.
But also 8yrs is nothing. Women get divorced after 20/30yrs of life with property and kids in tow and go on to have happy lives.

This, Dont Do It!