Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

I thought the same. Very weird to start talking like this 12 years in to a relationship.

That was my first thought too.

The OP describes regular weird moods and unreasonable blaming.

on top of what he said.

having gone through years of domestic abuse which started in a similar fashion I’m more than comfortable saying Whats I’d do now if I came across this behaviour

Yes, sounds like he's an Andrew Tate disciple or somebody similar. Do not have kids with him. You'll be trapped forever. Luckily he has shown you who he is now.

It's not ironic, it's the point 😂

This whole thread is like a literature critique where one small passage can be interpreted a 100 different ways.

You’ll need to have it out with him properly to understand why he thinks you need pandering to. Life will be very much harder if he still has work stress, but a baby on top - all the extra work and costs that babies bring. I’m not saying dump him, I think you need to understand what happened and be wary of what is going on. Because the stress levels go through the roof when a baby is born. If you’re 32 and have been with him since you were 20, you were pretty young when you got together. He could also be seeing someone else or thinking of it - the sign of that is that he’s treating you with derision, which is not usually his way.

😆😆😆

Picking the right person to have children with is the most important decision in your life. You will never escape from them. They could make your life hell. Think very carefully.

You sound just as bad patronising as the partner does. Please be kinder. Would you say that to someone’s face if they were asking for support?

This thread is fascinating. The varied gravity people but on words and the intent behind them, based on their life experience. The wisdom and insight some people believe they have, and how equally others think they are completely overreacting is amazing. There's probably a moderate center ground somewhere, if the OP is up for banking on that. Mumsnet really is an amazing life tool though.

Lot of kneejerk reactions based on one snapshot of a relationship.

OP, I actually think loads of men say shit like this, or a variant thereof. I don’t think they actually understand what they’re saying and it’s some garbled suppressed bubbling over of “I have needs that I don’t know how to vocalise nor do I have the EQ to sort if for myself so I’m dumping it at your door”. Because when you think about what he actually said to you, there’s nothing concrete. He’s got some dissatisfaction with his life that he doesn’t know how to process. But, whelp, nobody pulled you aside secretly in school to tell you how to deal with your emotions so it’s tough tits for him.

Kind of like a PP, I’d just ignore it. He can go get a therapist.

Strange development, OP. I think you need to have a very clear conversation in which you say you're concerned by the terms he used. Emphasise that you are equal in the relationship and should discuss issues without either having the power to lay down the law. See what response comes out of that.

Adding also: if you don’t want to ignore it, stop doing everything you do for him and/or list out all the shit you pander to. Men often don’t realise our mental load etc etc, so he needs to be taken down a peg on who’s sucking up what and how often.

And I guarantee most of what he considers “pandering” is actually his own shit. It’ll be something like “I always apologise and you don’t”, when, spoiler, it’ll be on him eg he apologises when not necessary so to him he’s said sorry 5 times to your 1. Well, you haven’t done anything wrong…he just says it when it’s overkill. AKA his shit, not your shit to deal with

trying to stamp out my opinion

Usually I advise women, 'leave'. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to say

R U N

Nope, married 25 years. The "info" I have is a lifetime of experience dealing with human relationships and in particular doing a job that deals with the fall-out of such crappy men.

Its doubtful OP will leave if she wants children, but i suspect the 'weird tired moods' have been hinting towards this behaviour for a while. A sudden change though I'd consider whether he's met someone else and is starting to resent his current situation.

Are Marriage Preparation Courses still a thing?
If so maybe do one before committing to marriage.
I can't remember much about the one I did years ago but I think it did look at many things (like handing disagreements, etc)

Some of the comments like ltb are extreme. Could he be very stressed with the wedding coming up. Talk with him tell him how this shit comment made you feel, set your boundaries and tell him not ever to speak like that again to you. If in 12 years he's been great maybe it's just a one off. We all get bad day's & if everyone threw in the towel over a fleeting comment no one would be together

This thread is wild…

There is also, of course, the possibility that he does pander to you too much and has had enough of doing so. You have to be honest with yourself, op, and listen to what he has to say.

How so?

Tell him you're done pandering to him too and will also be much firmer going forward. Then go stay at a nice hotel for a week and don't have any contact with him. Don't put up with that kind of crap, please. It only gets you more of it.

Also, I'm wondering why you've been together for so long without getting married already. In my experience, that often indicates that one of the partners isn't very enthusiastic about a future together. Just my thoughts. Best wishes.

Ok then. For a different view as you clearly don’t like the other responses. So does that mean that maybe you are a bit of a nightmare to be with and he’s fed up with it? Does he pander to you all the time for an easy life? Do you always get your way and talk to him like crap?
either way, something has changed and it’s whether or not you want to put up with it. I would tread carefully. And see how he responds next and genuinely apologies for talking to you like a naughty child. Speaking to you like that isn’t on and I agree with the others that it’s a red flag. He’s giving you a warning atm. The responses here you say are “cruel” but don’t you think your bfs words are?

End the relationship. He is showing you his true colours.

Probably another man who has been indoctrinated by the like of Andrew Tate and who is planning to control you once you are married to him/have a child because he knows that you will be less likely/able to leave then.

Don't let yourself be trapped by this man.

''@HiddenInCubeOfCheese · Today 09:14. Lot of kneejerk reactions based on one snapshot of a relationship.''

No, what you are getting are wise words from women who have seen this play out and don't want the OP to tie herself to this kind of man.

If you told me in person what you've said here, I absolutely would tell you to your face to leave him.

What did you think people were going to say? What did you want people to say?