Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

No, I stand by what I said, thanks.

And, FWIW, my ex husband spoke to me in a similarly patronising tone.

I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work.

Giving him what he wanted is one way of dealing with his outbursts I suppose.

She’s gone, I don’t think she liked the replies she got.

Best case scenario he won’t be physically abusive but will certainly expect you to step in line with him and your opinion won’t matter. He has said he’s going to be ‘firmer’ with you. You’re not his toddler. That’s disrespect. Would he tell his brother, his father, his uncle, his male friends etc when they had a difference of opinion that he was going to start being ‘firmer’ with them? Doubt it.

I left a relationship of many years at 32. Met the actual love of my life at 34.

Don’t marry him, OP or have children with him as this abusive and undermining behaviour will only get worse. My ex husband demonstrated these red flags before marriage but because I was an independent and very strong female, I didn’t recognise them or choose to laugh them off. When we married and I had children, the abuse and infidelity destroyed me. Please do not make my mistake. These type of men do not see us as whole human beings.

Men can change.

Some change after marriage, some change when their wife/gf gets pregnant, some change when a baby arrives, or when they lose a job. Some change when their head is turned.

This would give me serious pause op.

I agree with this.

OP, I think the people saying "just leave him" are being completely unreasonable. I wouldn't end a 12-year-relationship with someone I loved because of a couple of rough days - I’d want to find out what was going on. It could be outside influences, or it could be work stress, or it could be wedding/baby/commitment nerves.

Write down your concerns (so you don’t forget them in the heat of the moment). Tell him you need a serious meeting to discuss them. Ask him to write down his concerns too. Maybe have the meeting in a public place, e.g. a restaurant, where you will both have to behave civilly. Or maybe suggest that you should go to couples counselling.

You need to find out what is going on. Babies are lovely but bring sleep deprivation and increase of stress. Will he be able to cope with that without becoming unpleasant?

Weird tired mood
Busy at work

you are already minimising and excusing his outrageous behaviour
how dare he blame the dog on you ! What next ? Grumpy mood when he doesn’t get sex or it’s your fault his dinner is cold

put wedding on hold for now

Not 'pander' to you? Even though he was the one spouting nonsense?
Be 'firmer' with you? Because you didn't agree with his nonsense?

Basically, he thinks his views count more than yours. Because he's a man.
His moods are to be tiptoed around by you. Because you're a woman.

You don't want to raise children with a man who thinks men are more important than women.

That's what I wondered. Is he trying to be 'the boss' in your relationship? Don't have children with a man-child. It never ends well.

He's either been talking to someone or reading something that has inclined him to think that he needs to assert himself and you need firmly putting in your place.

He needs to explain himself clearly as to what he means.

I find it concerning that you didn't want to escalate things so shut yourself down.

Get into counselling before you even consider marrying him and having children.

He could well be having cold feet and wants you to end things.

Either way you need to know.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy! You have time to start again

Fun fact, when I have a life dilemma, I look at Mumsnet, I look at Reddit, and I do something roughly halfway between the two sets of advice and it normally turns out ok 😉

OP, it does look a bit like the man setting his woman 'straight'. And it's totally unacceptable if so, and you do need to nip it in the bud, have a frank discussion with him and figure out what you want in your relationship going forward. I also wonder if he is working through issues that he might have at work with you. Does he actually have a need to 'be firmer' at work and he feels unable to? That would still be his issue to work through though and he shouldn't bring it to your relationship if it doesn't truly belong there.

Just this ^

He thinks you can't escape - he wasted 12 years of your life - you are 32, so he thinks you won't leave now. I hope he is wrong.

This was my take on it. We only have one side of the story obviously, but perhaps you are quite demanding and have strong views, OP, and perhaps it does get on top of him a bit and he just agrees with you for a quiet life. The fact that you’ve started arguing suggests he’s getting fed up of just going along with what you want, and he would like his own ideas given greater prevalence. It’s worth a conversation at least.

Have you tried marriage therapy?. You are right, no one is perfect. Postpone the wedding and get intensive relationship counselling. Sometimes relationships need a little help

Exactly - any relationship that involves "walking on eggshells" or the fear that an argument or disagreement about one thing can escalate into something far "bigger" is not a relationship anyone should be in. Walking on eggshells and trying to predict "moods" and having to change your behaviour to placate them when they are in those "moods" is utterly exhausting and is a form of horrible abuse and control tactics. The abuser may not completely realise they are doing it (though many do) but they sure as shit will continue with the moods and escalation without doing any work to address why they get those moods or feel the need to escalate conflict.

Put another way: any time you become used to having to regulate your own non-abusive actions for fear of triggering abuse/unkindness/escalated arguments is a big time red-firework display of "WARNING WARNING WARNING" and it will only get worse in my experience. My ex just kept getting more and more controlling and violent and I spent every moment in his company having to walk on eggshells. It was utterly exhausting and I am staggered, in hindsight, that I allowed myself to put up with that BS for so long. But fear and the drip drip drip of abuse will do that to you. I hate to see anyone else getting into that potential situation - my ex became so violent that I needed spine surgery - if I had left him when the warning red flags started waving I would now still be able to walk properly, still be able to play sports and cook lovely meals (my nerves in my arm are damaged so it's very painful to do anything that involves any kind of use of arms...), would still be able to do the job and career that I studied so hard to be able to do. But hey. The silver lining is that I got out of the awfulness before I had kids with him. That would have been utterly terrible. I thank goodness that people around me saw what was happening and were brave enough to tell me I didn't have to deal with that crapola. I wish so much that someone had really told me to get out if it way before I did - I was so blinded by the hope that things would get better.

I ignored a couple of similar "red flags" with my ex, OP. It cost me years of misery and a hugely expensive divorce.

I think you should have couples counselling before you marry him. Far better to have it before than afterwards.

I don't know which response you are talking about, but do you really think that this will get better after you marry him?

You need to get out now.

People are not writing their posts to be cruel or cold hearted.

Out of interest what are you expecting from your post? Your partner has told you he will be ‘firmer’ in future. You either accept that and move on with the life you’ve built together. Or you don’t. Remember you built a happy life on a different understanding to the one you will have in your future.

My first thought would not be to tell the OP to "run" - it would be to get more information. It is perfectly possible that the OP is the controlling abusive partner and this reaction was a cry for help by her partner. We simply don't have enough information but it is lazy to assume that the fault must lie with the man. I think the truth probably lies somewhere in between and there is clearly some dissatisfaction regarding the balance of power within this relationship that needs to be worked upon. It's not unusual in relationships that start from a young age as people change so much over time, both in terms of who they are and also what they want in a relationship. I would suggest that the OP and her partner need to sit dow and have an honest discussion to make sure that they are still on the same page...at the very least she needs to understand why he said what he said.

Suggest some counselling to knock this on the head. He’s training you not to argue with him. Don’t let him