Page 10 | Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

Potentialfuturemother · 2025-05-16T21:41:12+00:00

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

spicemaiden · 17/05/2025 08:26

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:12

So you don't actually know if it was the OP's fault. For all you know, she could have taken out the dog in extreme heat and its paws got.burned on the hot ground despite the fact they have those little.sock things that protect them.

Or maybe she let the dog run wild with the nutty dog next door, again, knowing it is way too rough.

Maybe the OP shuts down rational conversations about these things. We just don't know.

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Absolutely nowhere in the UK has it been hot enough yet for a dog to burn its paws- assuming op is in the uk

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:29

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:18

I think simply stating that you'll nk longer be pandering to someone isnt the crime you're making it out to be. Especially if you've genuinely been pandering to someone for years.

Someone stating a boundary to you isnt abuse. He didn't call her a cunt..he said this is going to.stop..that's all.

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If the OP is so demanding, always has to be right, bullies her partner etc, why did she ask for more balanced views and for people to stop blaming her DP? She has said nothing to make anyone think she is the bad guy here. Are you blaming her just because she's a woman?

I'm not sure if you're a woman or not, but have to imagine you don't have children. Being pregnant, you need a lot of consideration from your partner. Being a new mum with all the changes to your body and breastfeeding all night etc, you need even more consideration from your partner.

There is no way I would every have children with someone who said what OP's partner said and refused to apologise. Choosing the father of your children is the most important, irrevocable decision you can ever make.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:31

spicemaiden · 17/05/2025 08:26

Absolutely nowhere in the UK has it been hot enough yet for a dog to burn its paws- assuming op is in the uk

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Absolutely untrue and that's why dogs get burnt paws. It was that hot in London last week out of the shade.

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 08:31

@PotentialfuturemotherWould you drink a cup of tea if it was 99% tea but 1% bleach?
My DM was married to my DF for 14 years before he turned controlling & abusive. He then turned on us when they had us. My DM was dumbfounded and gobsmacked. She would’ve put him at the very, very bottom of the list of men likely to treat women like crap. He’d been nothing but a gentleman for 16 years since she’d met him (and for the 14 years they’d been married).

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:32

"He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on".

'This narrative' is a hugely dismissive way of ignoring his experience and him trying to tell you how he feels and sees things.
You are free to disagree and see things differently but if you dismiss your partners experience and communication about it in this way your relationship isn't going to work.

This kind of dismissal suggests he feels he often doesn't have a voice and you shut him down, as he felt you did about the dog issue.

Sounds like he's decided this isn't acceptable anymore and he's not going to going along with your imposition of 'the narrative' anymore and be firmer in saying what he has to say about what he feels.

Sounds like you are the controlling one.

Maybe.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:33

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:29

If the OP is so demanding, always has to be right, bullies her partner etc, why did she ask for more balanced views and for people to stop blaming her DP? She has said nothing to make anyone think she is the bad guy here. Are you blaming her just because she's a woman?

I'm not sure if you're a woman or not, but have to imagine you don't have children. Being pregnant, you need a lot of consideration from your partner. Being a new mum with all the changes to your body and breastfeeding all night etc, you need even more consideration from your partner.

There is no way I would every have children with someone who said what OP's partner said and refused to apologise. Choosing the father of your children is the most important, irrevocable decision you can ever make.

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Did she ask for more balanced views? It's pretty clear on this site that people assume women can never be wrong if there is a man involved.

Equally, some people who require a lot of pandering are oblivious to how demanding they are and genuinely believe other people will think they're right.

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 08:33

@spicemaidenExcuse you? Yes it bloody well has! It was 37° in one area last week and the ironworks in the street scorched a friend’s bike tyres!

Cos100 · 17/05/2025 08:34

I would suggest counselling for both of you. The counsellor has to be neutral so that might help you get to the root of the issue. Good luck op!

EnjoyingTheRide · 17/05/2025 08:34

Wishihadanalgorithm · 17/05/2025 07:56

What I find interesting is there seems to be two camps on here. Camp A: LTB. Camp B: talk to him and figure out why he’s changed.

I’m neither. I would simply, and very calmly, tell him if he ever speaks to me like that again or thinks treating me as a human with respect is “pandering” then he has ended this relationship. Done. Draw your line and mean it.

He may want to talk to you about what he said, he may want to argue with you. It doesn’t matter. He just needs to know this is a line he does not cross or you will leave.

I wouldn’t be trying to figure out this change of attitude. He might just apologise and things return to normal - great. If he talks to you reasonably as well that’s also great. If he tries to put you back in your place again and argues with you then you have your other answer. He is a prick and the relationship is over.

You are not responsible for his actions so don’t give them headspace. Be clear about your boundaries and go from there.

Which he could do until the ink dried...

Conkersinautumn · 17/05/2025 08:38

I'd not have children with someone who believes they are pandering (compromise is part of relationships) to an adult and that they 'need to be firmer' . Hes a partner, not your parent.
Children need clear and consistent adults without this smug superiority. You've got to have an agreement about how to parent and he's making a bid for being in charge of everything here. Fuck that. I need balance, respect t and compromise from adults I am close to. Not a power hungry bratty whiner - which is what op seems to be describing him as.

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 08:39

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:32

"He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on".

'This narrative' is a hugely dismissive way of ignoring his experience and him trying to tell you how he feels and sees things.
You are free to disagree and see things differently but if you dismiss your partners experience and communication about it in this way your relationship isn't going to work.

This kind of dismissal suggests he feels he often doesn't have a voice and you shut him down, as he felt you did about the dog issue.

Sounds like he's decided this isn't acceptable anymore and he's not going to going along with your imposition of 'the narrative' anymore and be firmer in saying what he has to say about what he feels.

Sounds like you are the controlling one.

Maybe.

How ironic that you have fabricated such a gigantic NARRATIVE

ButteredRadish · 17/05/2025 08:39

ByGraceAlone · 17/05/2025 08:32

"He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on".

'This narrative' is a hugely dismissive way of ignoring his experience and him trying to tell you how he feels and sees things.
You are free to disagree and see things differently but if you dismiss your partners experience and communication about it in this way your relationship isn't going to work.

This kind of dismissal suggests he feels he often doesn't have a voice and you shut him down, as he felt you did about the dog issue.

Sounds like he's decided this isn't acceptable anymore and he's not going to going along with your imposition of 'the narrative' anymore and be firmer in saying what he has to say about what he feels.

Sounds like you are the controlling one.

Maybe.

How ironic that you have fabricated such a gigantic NARRATIVE

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:42

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:33

Did she ask for more balanced views? It's pretty clear on this site that people assume women can never be wrong if there is a man involved.

Equally, some people who require a lot of pandering are oblivious to how demanding they are and genuinely believe other people will think they're right.

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The op literally said "I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions."
I'm going to stop responding after this because clearly you haven't actually read the thread and just hopped on to blame women.

FigTreeInEurope · 17/05/2025 08:43

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:14

I think it would solely depend on how the woman acts when she doesnt get her own way. I do believe men can be victims of emotional abuse by a female perpetrator. I know pandering is something victims often do to escape abuse. Therefore, I believe a man may pander to a woman to escape their unreasonable behaviour.

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In which case, pandering is enabling to avoid conflict. If they can't build a shared environment together, where they both feel heard and make it work, all the more reason to call it quits.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:43

Thatsalineallright · 17/05/2025 08:42

The op literally said "I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions."
I'm going to stop responding after this because clearly you haven't actually read the thread and just hopped on to blame women.

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I haven't "blamed women". I've said that it is possible the OP's partner has been pandering to her.

MyOliveHelper · 17/05/2025 08:43

FigTreeInEurope · 17/05/2025 08:43

In which case, pandering is enabling to avoid conflict. If they can't build a shared environment together, where they both feel heard and make it work, all the more reason to call it quits.

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I agree with this to an extent. If there is no way to change things so he feels like he isn't pandering, they should split.

ERthree · 17/05/2025 08:44

Sounds to me he has got cold feet and is not sure about getting married. You both have to sit down today and have a very honest conversation. Maybe he truly does feel he panders to you and you always get your way, maybe that is his fault or maybe it is yours. You need to talk urgently.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/05/2025 08:45

I think it’s good he’s showed you this side of his personality before you get married. Maybe suggest some counselling together? Conflict in relationships is normal as you say, but this doesn’t seem healthy.

Moonlightexpress · 17/05/2025 08:49

I dont think you should end the relationship at this stage because you're right, its one comment at the moment but to be fair to the other posters telling you it's a red flag, it is and you should be concerned. 100 per cent you need to understand why this was said to you. It's very specific, like he'd already decided something about you previously that you had no idea of. Could this be the influence of a friend or family? Could he have met someone else and is using this as an excuse to distance himself and justify finding someone else. Who knows.. all of this is speculation and probably way over the top but he is the one you need to speak to and have a conversation with to understand why he said this and you 100 per cent need to keep your eyes open to see if it carries on.. if it does.. do not get married to him

Endofyear · 17/05/2025 08:51

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

OP when things calmed down, did you ask him what he means by 'pandering' to you? Does he mean just listening to you when you've had a disagreement? Because that would be a problem for me. It sounds like he's saying you're not allowed to voice your opinion or at least that he's not going to listen to you.

alimac12 · 17/05/2025 08:51

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

Honestly OP that’s why I would never ask for advice regarding something like that in MN. At every minimum inconvenience people love to say, don’t marry, separate, move the house, change the country you live in! Ridiculous! I’m 100% sure nobody would such a drastic change in their life so easily, plus that’s why most relationships don’t work nowadays, people give up at a minimum thing.
Anyways OP, maybe he is stressed form busy work, if he keeps making these type of comments maybe talk to him and ask about it. Tell him how you feel, but not when you are both upset. You’ve been together for a very long time and hopefully is nothing serious. Obviously is this is his new behaviour then you might reconsider your future. Good luck xx

fromthegecko · 17/05/2025 08:52

the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual

Something has changed for him. Maybe cold feet or an affair. So he is redefining your relationship as one in which you always, unreasonably, get your own way at his expense, so he can make whatever's happened your fault.

Find out.

itgetsthehoseagain · 17/05/2025 08:53

“…which I thought was outrageous…”

I’m like this, OP, and used to drill into and pick apart my DH’s often innocent remarks which, I see now, would have left him feeling silly. I worked on it. Is there a chance that this is what you do, possibly without even realising, and he wants you to stop?

AgnesX · 17/05/2025 08:54

If one of my male friends told me that their female partner had said that I'd be equally appalled and I'd be suggesting that they needed to watch out.

As a woman you're more vulnerable once you bring children into the equation. Will you be happy with him speaking to you like that in future.

YRGAM · 17/05/2025 08:54

alimac12 · 17/05/2025 08:51

Honestly OP that’s why I would never ask for advice regarding something like that in MN. At every minimum inconvenience people love to say, don’t marry, separate, move the house, change the country you live in! Ridiculous! I’m 100% sure nobody would such a drastic change in their life so easily, plus that’s why most relationships don’t work nowadays, people give up at a minimum thing.
Anyways OP, maybe he is stressed form busy work, if he keeps making these type of comments maybe talk to him and ask about it. Tell him how you feel, but not when you are both upset. You’ve been together for a very long time and hopefully is nothing serious. Obviously is this is his new behaviour then you might reconsider your future. Good luck xx

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It's very easy to tell a username on a screen to blow up their life when your only involvement in the matter is some mild entertainment via thread updates. I do feel sorry for a lot of people who come here for balanced advice and just get extreme opinions given by people who would never practice what they preach in the same situation