Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

234 replies

kultish · 16/05/2025 11:40

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
MinnieMountain · 16/05/2025 17:02

@JohnofWessex we don’t know what the ex has told his solicitor.

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 16/05/2025 17:06

Meadowfinch · 16/05/2025 11:55

OP, he is not her father and has zero rights.

He will not be granted access to your daughter. The courts seldom grant access to even family members such as grandparents, so there is zero chance that a wholly unrelated male living in another country will be given access.

That’s not correct, Grandparents can get permission if they can show an existing loving relationship. I know of Grandparents who have

FigTreeInEurope · 16/05/2025 17:08

This is just about winding you up. No response is the best response.

NovaF · 16/05/2025 17:08

Contact Mums In Need, it sounds like he is being coercive and this is a power thing https://www.mumsinneed.com

they might be able to help or advise x

Home

https://www.mumsinneed.com

NImumconfused · 16/05/2025 17:09

FigTreeInEurope · 16/05/2025 17:08

This is just about winding you up. No response is the best response.

Edited

I see you've already spotted it!

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 17:09

You need to take a deep breath. Then start to understand that this has absolutely zero to do with any desire he has to be her dad, and absolutely everything to do with him wanting to cause as much stress for you, and control you as much as possible, until she is eighteen and he loses his last little bit of power over you.

I can understand that it may well have been a very scary letter to receive. But as someone who deals with solicitors on a regular basis through work, it’s what they do. They use lots of legal sounding terms and word things so you think you have no choice but to comply and give them everything that their client wants. But it doesn’t actually mean anything. I could appoint a solicitor tomorrow and tell them to write to my DH to insist he lets me spend the rent money on Toffee Crisps and Monster Munch and if he refuses, I will be seeking a Court order to force him to do so. A solicitor would tell me that I would have no chance of getting any such court order, but there’s nothing to stop me from demanding it if I have the money to do so. And that’s what he has done. He’s used his money to demand something completely ridiculous that he stands no chance of getting. In your shoes, I would not respond. Or, if you must, respond ‘Thank you for your letter of … Please inform your client that I will not be providing him with access to my child. He has no parental rights and I do not believe that it is in her best interests to allow contact to begin’. And that’s it.

In the meantime, I think you need to contact Women’s Aid. You’ve been emotionally battered to the point that it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that he is not the boss of you and that just because he demands something, it doesn’t mean that you have to obey him. If he threatens to take you to court, then the response is ‘duly noted’. Not a word more. He won’t do it. And even if he does, it only means that he’s choosing to spend his money on it, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to succeed.

Whiteflowerscreed · 16/05/2025 17:15

Shadesofscarlett · 16/05/2025 11:56

you may qualify for legal aid btw if you are an abuse victim - so you need to speak to WA or similar to log his behaviour.

You need to have minimal income and low savings too in addition to proof of abuse

Zanatdy · 16/05/2025 17:16

Stop wasting your time worrying about this. He has zero chance of obtaining access. Bin the letter but engage a solicitor for your divorce. Don’t let him threaten you around what you can and can’t have financially.

Genevieva · 16/05/2025 17:27

Remember that lawyers can be paid to write threatening letters that have no basis in reality. Sometimes the letter achieves the aim simply because it sounds official. This is entirely up to you and your daughter. He has no rights. If either one of you is against the idea then it isn’t going to happen.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 16/05/2025 17:28

blah blah blah woe is me, I know, but getting this letter this morning threw me hard

Don’t be so hard on yourself! He sounds like a horrible person and he’s getting under your skin which I imagine is exactly what he’s trying to do. Stay strong.

Horses7 · 16/05/2025 17:31

He has no rights.
Plus don’t the courts ask for child’s consent to seeing exH - hopefully she’ll say no so that’s that?
Good luck and try not to worry.

Waterbaby41 · 16/05/2025 17:43

Please find the funds from somewhere for a lawyer. You need some proper advice, and with respect, not opinions from MN. You know there is money to come to you after the divorce - can you fund a loan for the down payment? Borrow from family? There are times when you need proper legal advice and this is one of them. Best of luck to you and DD.

PeapodMcgee · 16/05/2025 18:08

I don't believe he has any interest in your daughter.

He's hoping you will panic and "compromise" by dropping your rights to a fair financial settlement re divorce.

Don't fall for it, and don't fall for expensive lawyers either. Unnecessary.

You're doing great and he's clearly rattled.

Lighteningstrikes · 16/05/2025 23:29

Firstly, he’s not her legal father.
If he’s living in another country, it will be under a different jurisdiction.
He doesn’t stand a chance.

MayaPinion · 16/05/2025 23:30

PeapodMcgee · 16/05/2025 18:08

I don't believe he has any interest in your daughter.

He's hoping you will panic and "compromise" by dropping your rights to a fair financial settlement re divorce.

Don't fall for it, and don't fall for expensive lawyers either. Unnecessary.

You're doing great and he's clearly rattled.

Edited

This! He’s clearly rattled and hoping this will make you back off in an attempt to reduce the risk of him having access to your DD. Disengage, block, and get a good solicitor. You are potentially entitled to a lot more than you think and he’s trying to scare you off. Look up grey rock - you’ll likely find it very useful.

Riaanna · 17/05/2025 07:11

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 16/05/2025 17:06

That’s not correct, Grandparents can get permission if they can show an existing loving relationship. I know of Grandparents who have

Show quote history

It’s very unusual which is what the comment said and typically relates to grandparents where there’s been a guardian order in place at some point.

Riaanna · 17/05/2025 07:13

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 16:59

They can.

But by the time this goes to court she will be 12 and her thoughts will be strongly considered.

Show quote history

It won’t get to court.

JohnofWessex · 17/05/2025 08:42

Genevieva · 16/05/2025 17:27

Remember that lawyers can be paid to write threatening letters that have no basis in reality. Sometimes the letter achieves the aim simply because it sounds official. This is entirely up to you and your daughter. He has no rights. If either one of you is against the idea then it isn’t going to happen.

Lawyers and their clients have to be careful what they right.

A former neighbour recieved costs from a 'vexatious' complaint made against them that had no basis in law and the solicitors who should clearly have been aware that it was vexatious and their client had no 'standing' over this issue could have got into serious trouble.

HopscotchBanana · 17/05/2025 09:32

kultish · 16/05/2025 13:13

if I block him, how is he going to take that regards contact with dd? He will take me to court saying I am blocking contact, evidently. As she doesnt have a phone. So I dont know what to do.

He doesn't have parental responsibility.

So he has no rights.

He's no different to a grumpy ass ex boyfriend who you've split up with. He's not entitled to anything.

He's only "someone with rights" in your head. He's got none.

I have been in an abusive relationship. And I know how hard it is some days to even breathe. But equally, you might not like to hear it , but you are allowing that to become your whole identity. He's gone. He's not even in the same country. A lot becomes easier when they are gone. And yours is very much not around.

Step back. It's a letter. A piece of paper. That he's paid someone to write.

Stop flapping and listen, because enough people have told you now that he has no rights. Ignore the letter. That's literally all you have to do. Stop answering the phone. He's not in the same country.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/05/2025 09:41

thepariscrimefiles · 16/05/2025 12:50

He is doing this to punish you. It is obvious from the way he treated your daughter when you were married that he didn't love or care for her. This move is purely to make your life a misery. I would certainly try and find the money from somewhere (loan, credit card, borrow from family) to consult a solicitor and get proper legal advice.

Maybe he wants to use this as a bargaining chip to stop you claiming some of his pension. He is obviously cruel with no scruples and he knows that him trying to get access to your daughter is your worst nightmare.

Show quote history

I'm going with this as the reason for this sudden interest in a child he clearly didn't love when he lived in the same house.

abracadabra1980 · 17/05/2025 09:51

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 16/05/2025 11:42

He has precisely zero chance of winning this in court. Anybody can pay a solicitor to write a letter, it doesn't mean there is any basis to it in law (there isn't).

Ignore it and block him from anything. Don't give it any headspace.

This. He has absolutely zero rights to anything and he can't get them either. As PP have said, block him and don't give it another thought.

Original poster
kultish · 17/05/2025 10:26

Sorry for the delay in returning to the thread.I took some time yesterday to calm down and re read the email and also this thread few times which has been useful.

I'm going to get a lawyer, I dont think the expense can be avoided as I truly believe he is trying to minimise any financial settlement and that's just not up to him. When he was emotionally blackmailing me not to include his pensions or (sizeable) investments he built up while with me and I was carrying all the mental load and moving far from my own career and support to enable his career...... in the past he would be like 'you loved me once, do it for the me then'. That obviously didnt work as why would I be sentimental about this. But it looks like on Form E, all this has to be disclosed. so I dont understand why he thinks/ever thought that it was a matter of me not getting a fair settlement. He is being so selfish with this latest move re dd as its all about what he wants, it really annoys me how this solicitors letter talks about what is in the best interest of dd, why would they take that from a man who is not even her father? I am going to talk to her today about all this but I still feel uncomfy with my phone having to be used as the way they communicate because of all the verbal abuse I have had from him over the phone before and the fact it makes me feel like I have to be in the vicinity when they speak. Yet she is NOT getting a phone and so I am unsure what the way forward is even if she did want to speak to him.

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 17/05/2025 11:21

Well done for taking some time away. For all the useful points, there's also a lot of misinformation and different views on a fast moving thread about your life.

I can appreciate the phone issue - but as it enables you to monitor the communication that's maybe good in the interim.

Have you thought about what you'll say to your DD. From what you said earlier she's not spotted his abusive behaviour towards her (that's common at her age if that's all she's experienced) so you might want to think about frameworking it for her?
"I know this has been so difficult and that there were some good bits about the last years. But sadly he was quite unkind to you at times and I've realised that shouldn't have happened. Which is why I decided we were better apart. You're the most important person in the world to me and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you're happy and enjoy school and life. We'll be fine".

Not sure that's right but something to think about. It was suggested upthread that you maybe take some advice about how to support her through this. Lundy Bancroft has some useful thoughts about supporting children who side with an abuser - not saying she's doing that but she's "lost" 2 father figures and it may be even harder for her?

https://lundybancroft.com/kids-who-side-with-the-abuser-part-1/

https://lundybancroft.com/kids-who-side-with-the-abuser-part-2/

KIDS WHO SIDE WITH THE ABUSER, PART 1

KIDS WHO SIDE WITH THE ABUSER, PART 1 | Lundy Bancroft

Several weeks ago, I wrote a post about kids who see through the abuser. To my surprise, it was the most popular piece I’d put up in a long time; a lot of my

https://lundybancroft.com/kids-who-side-with-the-abuser-part-1/

rainbowruthie · 17/05/2025 11:33

kultish · 17/05/2025 10:26

Sorry for the delay in returning to the thread.I took some time yesterday to calm down and re read the email and also this thread few times which has been useful.

I'm going to get a lawyer, I dont think the expense can be avoided as I truly believe he is trying to minimise any financial settlement and that's just not up to him. When he was emotionally blackmailing me not to include his pensions or (sizeable) investments he built up while with me and I was carrying all the mental load and moving far from my own career and support to enable his career...... in the past he would be like 'you loved me once, do it for the me then'. That obviously didnt work as why would I be sentimental about this. But it looks like on Form E, all this has to be disclosed. so I dont understand why he thinks/ever thought that it was a matter of me not getting a fair settlement. He is being so selfish with this latest move re dd as its all about what he wants, it really annoys me how this solicitors letter talks about what is in the best interest of dd, why would they take that from a man who is not even her father? I am going to talk to her today about all this but I still feel uncomfy with my phone having to be used as the way they communicate because of all the verbal abuse I have had from him over the phone before and the fact it makes me feel like I have to be in the vicinity when they speak. Yet she is NOT getting a phone and so I am unsure what the way forward is even if she did want to speak to him.

Hello again - I'm not really clear why you would even introduce the idea of speaking to him to your daughter.
Doesn't that just 'muddy the waters'?
Surely a clean break is most beneficial to her

category12 · 17/05/2025 11:38

rainbowruthie · 17/05/2025 11:33

Hello again - I'm not really clear why you would even introduce the idea of speaking to him to your daughter.
Doesn't that just 'muddy the waters'?
Surely a clean break is most beneficial to her

Show quote history

I agree.

OP, leave the ball in her court to initiate any talk about contact with him. If she wants to speak to him, let her ask you and worry about it then.

Don't lead her into it.

Maintaining contact between them plays into his hands.

Swipe left for the next trending thread