Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

I would be tempted to block him on everything. I would even consider moving so he wouldn’t know where you are. How can they contact you then. I would stop the calls also. He has no parental rights and he is still trying to control your life.

@kultish take a breath. You’re absolutely fine, you’re in a very strong position here and you know what is best for your child. He didn’t treat you properly, he didn’t treat your daughter properly, you chose not to have children with him for these reasons, he is not her biological or adopted Father and he has no rights or responsibilities for her. So don’t panic. You should only agree to access if you think it is in your daughter’s best interest - and frankly nothing you have said would suggest that is the case, quite the opposite infact.

Where you are weaker is your divorce settlement - you really should pay for the best family lawyer you can afford (out of your settlement) to advise you on what is fair and what you are entitled to. Do not believe him or be bullied by him - he does not have your best interests at heart. And if it reassures you, you can also seek legal advice about his letter.

In addition to seeking legal advice, if you’re feeling anxious or bullied, I would block him on everything and set up an email address just for correspondence with him.

You’ve got this - it will be ok.

OP said dd loved him and was ambivalent about seeing him, probably because she hadn't yet done so.

I would ignore it. He has no rights. You could reply to the solicitor to say this and if they reply to you it will cost him but not you. Just because he has a solicitor doesn't mean you need one. You could check with citizens advice maybe too but not her biological dad, not paying maintenance, not adopted her, what rights does he think he has?

If he was a nice lovely man and she wanted to see him fair enough, but he's not and she doesn't. Don't let anyone make you feel crap about it either. She is your daughter and you know what is best for her.
Sending you best wishes

This.

is send this back to him, alongside the facts that he has no parental rights because he isn’t her father!!! His solicitor must be laughing all the way to the bank. In fact I’d write back to the solicitor then he’ll get charged for them reading it as well.

Please stop and take a breath and listen to what posters are telling you!

Your ex-DH is now her ex-step dad. During your marriage he did not adopt her, nor did you assign him any parental rights over her. He has no more rights over your child than I, a complete stranger on a forum, has.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation – bio dad not on the scene and never has been and she's now in an abusive marriage. Her DH has been pushing her for shared parental responsibility/adoption exactly because he knows if they split up, he has no right to see her DC again. She's quite rightly saying no on repeat and is making plans to leave him.

So block your ex, bin his letters and get on with your life. He cannot do anything to force your DD to have contact with him.

You're the only one with parental responsibility. So it's up to you who she's in contact with.

He has no rights.

Allowing him calls etc may help him establish rights, however.

So block the fucker already.

If he takes you to court, so be it. He's unlikely to win.

If he's abusive, it's actually your job right now to stop him having access to your child, so stop dithering over this. Protect her.

He has no rights. He doesn't have pr.

Let him waste his money on court if he wants.

Whilst I agree you need a solicitor for your divorce, at this stage I can't see why you need to pay for legal advice when a simple, to the point reply would suffice explaining:

1. He does not have PR for your child
2. A significant contributory factor in your divorse was the abuse/ill-treatment of your daughter from Ex so it absolutely would not be in the best interests of the child to facilitate contact
3. Your daughter has shown no interest in maintaining contact
4. You consider this matter now closed.

What an arsehole - he's trying to flex and assert control. Play him at his own game and show you're not scared to stand up to him.

Don’t ignore the letter. Write back to the solicitor, will only cost you a stamp, will cost him more in fees.

*Re your letter dated xxxxxxx reference

Please be informed that your client Mr xxxxxxxxx is not the biological parent of (child’s name).

Nor is he the legal parent by adoption or guardian appointed by court.

I will not be entering into any further correspondence with you on this matter.*

in the meantime OP if you have not already done so I would make sure you apply for a passport in your daughters name, even if you have no intention of travelling, this will stop him attempting to do the same.

Good point.

I think your last paragraph says it all. If he was a nice lovely man he would have asked OP how she felt about seeing the DD occasionally and build up a separate relationship with her over time. Not send a solicitor's letter demanding weekly calls and three weeks over the summer. His heavy handedness shows he's just bullying you.

The presence of the other letter arriving at the same time regarding financials makes me wonder if he is simply leveraging your daughter to make you agree to a financial settlement in his favour to make him go away faster essentially.

If he genuinely wanted to have a father daughter relationship with her, then 3 weeks a year and phonecalls don't seem much. It's more of a calculated ploy to panic you and make you want to end this all the faster and therefore in his financial favour.

i expect he bullied you into a divorce without a lawyer too didn't he?

I know lots of single mums who have brought up happy, well adjusted children without a man on the scene. Your comment is out of order.

I remember my solicitor saying that people can ask for whatever they want via their solicitor , but it doesn't mean that what they're asking is reasonable and that there's any chance that they will get their way. Exh asked me via his solicitor for joint debt payment cash to be forwarded to him rather than the company owed so that he could (probably not) pay it to them. Utterly ridiculous and no response was needed.

I know you're stressed op , but please believe me when I say that in years to come you will laugh at the audacity of this request. He's using whatever he can to get to you , and it's working. Head up high op , and keep moving forward! And please ignore his stupid letter , he has no right to access to your child.

quite frankly he is abusive and you should be blocking his contact with your DD. Why are you obsessing over him taking you to court for contact? Stop believing his shit and read the replies here.

Dear XH solicitor,

Ex H is neither the biological father, adopted father or named as any legal parental responsibility.
Therefore I acknowledge the letter sent but legally he has no rights to access. Should my daughter wish to get in contact with him when she becomes an adult then this will be of her choosing. Until such time the matter is closed.

Yours sincerely

Kultish.

OP he doesn't have any legal rights and no judge is going to force a parent who does to allow access it sets a dangerous precedent.

The OP hasn't blocked her child and her ex communicating with one another, so why hasn't he tried regularly until they are talking about the financial settlement?

Simply because he's got no interest in the child and has been told that due the child the OP is entitled to a larger financial settlement than if she was childless.

He is doing this for one reason only - to control you and your daughter. He's lost his supply and he wants to top it up.

Get a free consult with a solicitor, get reassurance and have them write to his with clear reasons why this is a no.

https://familylawspecialists.co.uk/rights-of-stepparents/

I think, understandably, you are stressed and worried. But he does not have parental responsibility, he cannot force you to allow contact without a court order. Let him take you to Court re. this, the onus is on him to prove that contact should take place and the starting point is a child's welfare not what he wants.

I know of a case from about 30 years ago where a step father was awarded parental responsibility by the Courts after divorce from the child's mother. It was a good decision by the Court.
The stepfather and child had a long positive and enduring relationship with each other, and the stepfather loved him as a biological son. Mother had some mental health issues so it was of even more importance for the child to continue to have him in his life. Stepfather still lived in the same country though!

You should absolutely contact Women’s Aid - these types of situations are the reason they exist! They are knowledgeable about the law, about abusive men and their tactics and they can advocate for you including in court.

I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Yes I agree, in some cases it makes sense, and in this one it really doesn't. They haven't had a positive relationship and he wants her for three weeks in the summer and then nothing for 49 weeks. It's just not resonable or realistic so I don't think OP needs to worry about it.

OP, these men are SOOOOO good at making women feel they have to twist themselves up into knots and question everything.

As others have pointed out, he has no rights and this is just him finding a new way to abuse you.

I find it can be helpful to try and take a step back and try to imagine this from a practical perspective:

1 he has no parental rights/responsibilities - has never been legally responsible in any way
2 He was not in any meaningful way a father figure whiel you were together - as can be seen, for example, by the fact that he didn't even care for her alone while you were away and you were married and all living together.
3 He does not regularly attempt to contact her. when he does, rather than just calling to see if she's available, he sends aggressive messages "demanding" her time. He has not made any other efforts.
4 He lives in another country

So let's imagine he takes you to court.... can you picture the judge's face!?

OP, he has zero claim on your dd in any way.

You need to stop panicking about this. Please understand it is why he is doing it. She is a mere pawn here to keep you under complete control. He doesn't care about her and you should never mention him to your dd again (and most definitely never pass on her number when she gets a phone)

You strike me as timid and ground down by him. He is taking full advantage of this and it is working.

He isn't the bio or adoptive father, so you don't need to have any contact with him again, outside of lawyers.

The lawyer's letter is game playing to men like your ex. Stop yielding to it and try to focus on moving on.