Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

OP, please stop panicking and think calmly. It's highly unlikely if not impossible he'd get access to her via the courts, certainly not for a child her age who can have an opinion and where he loves abroad and hasn't seen here since the split.. He'd have to apply for a Child Arrangement Order that specifies type and extent of access, and he might not even get permission from the court to make such an application at all. Have a read here
https://www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/children-issues/adoption/parental-responsibility-step-parents-2/

and here:
https://www.mcalisterfamilylaw.co.uk/services/child-law/step-parents-rights/

At all sates the court take into account the best interests of the child. It's not about his 'rights'.

He's doing it to distract you and put pressure on you over the financial settlement and it's working. Stop letting him control the narrative.

Ignore the letter.

He's almost certainly doing it as leverage to force you to settle on the terms he wants - 'ok, will drop the DD ask if you drop the pension ask'. Don't fall for it. But do get a solicitor and use joint account money to help- take your half.

Agreed.

He won’t get them

No need to be so bloody rude.

I will tell you why he has done it. There’s actually two reasons:-

1). Post separation abuse - he’s punishing you for the end of your relationship by hurting you in the worst way possible - by threatening to remain a constant in your life via access to your daughter and the threat of taking her away from you.

2). Threatening filing in Court for access to your daughter is meant so that you don’t go after him for money. You will likely accept anything to keep your daughter away from him and he is counting on this threat as a way to keep you away from his pension.

Call his bluff. Get every single cent you’re entitled to and use that money to get a better home for you and your daughter.

Didn’t you say he isn’t even in the country you reside in? No Court is going to send a young girl to live with a man who is not the biological father of that child and who has no legal rights to her. Nor would the Court order telephone contact. Do not let your daughter speak to him on the phone. Let him file for contact orders and then you file an objection based on him having no legal rights. Also make note that he is not a safe person to have around your child and that is reason you sought a divorce - particularly as your child is on the brink of puberty.

"See you in court."

He has no legal rights to your daughter.

He never adopted her.

He isn’t related to her.

He was abusive.

He was neglectful.

Your daughter has no ongoing relationship with his family.

It is not in your daughter’s best interest to remain in contact with a man who exposed her to domestic violence.

Something you can do before you engage a lawyer is pick up the phone and speak with his lawyer. Ask him on what legal basis is he seeking contact?

Every minute you spend on the phone with his lawyer - he will be charged. Every phone call his lawyer will need to make a file note of your contact and then contact his/her client and then make a file note that he has spoken to his client.

You shouldn’t have any communication with him as he is legally represented. As you’re not legally represented you need to engage with his lawyer.

If this were me I would be phoning regularly. Every single time your ex contacts you you need to contact his lawyer in writing and say that he has contacted you and ask that any communications go through his lawyer.

Tell his lawyer the amount you wish to settle financial matters and you will wait for his application for contact so you can dispute it through the Courts.

You can definitely just ignore this. So glad he's your ex. He has no chance of contact via any legal route. What a dick.

https://www.sra.org.uk/solicitors/standards-regulations/code-conduct-solicitors/

In particular 2.4

1. You only make assertions or put forward statements, representations or submissions to the court or others which are properly arguable.

I suggest that his solicitors are on thin ice

Complain

Change your email and close that one down. Sorry didnt receive it.

would a solicitor send an email vs physical letter in the post?

also check online the solicitors actually exist or is he blagging this?

so child is now 11, i think around this age they get a say in what they want. Also hes no actual right to contact.

just ignore him

I would say this is a tactic to scare you into his divorce demands. So if you promise to drop various financial issues he’ll ‘stop’ re DD. It’s purely to scare you.

You are in a panic, and I sympathise with you on that. It's what he hoped to achieve as an expert abuser. It's a tactic he's using to manipulate you about the divorce. It sounds as though a solicitor would be helpful for that.

But please try to calm down and re-read through all the advice on here later and absorb it.

I promise you he has a cat's chance in hell for the Family Court (which is nothing like a criminal type court by the way) giving him permission to even open an application for this.

But I know the 'what ifs' are running round your mind.

So, let's look at what would happen if they did give permission and it did end up in family court

Your child would be allocated a Carcass social worker who would speak to you, him and your child, and prepare a report for the judge. Their aim is to work out what's going on, and then what is in the best interests of the child. They are expected to be 'the voice of the child'. You have evidence of abuse - they have a special pathway for these cases. Even though they tend to get a bit of a slagging on here I know that they really do care about the child, are brilliant at talking appropriately with them, and have a lot of experience in seeing through people who are manipulative (your ex).

I wouldn't even respond.

Just file the letter away out of sight.

It seems to me that the letter is evidence of abuse both by your husband and his solicitor

So he abused her. He abused your daughter, for years.

Op he shouldn't have any acess to her.
And he's not entitled to it.

Stop scaremongering the OP. It is zero.

This 👆🏻
If he wasn't kind to her when he lived with her then he is either a paedo or trying to control you. Be careful.

I am pretty sure that a) because he is no your DD’s bio parent and b) because he was in her life briefly and did not apply at that time for parental responsibility and c) because he is not resident in the country in which the child lives. I would tell him to take this to court, frankly.

He won’t in court. He has no legal rights at all.

Do not send this. Ignore it.

Also don’t do this. There is no need to have any contact. Block on everything.

No. It’s zero.

They can.

But by the time this goes to court she will be 12 and her thoughts will be strongly considered.