Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

Just to add, I can easily imagine a mediator or even a court thinking that if he HAD had a long-term parental-style relationshipw ith her, that contact should be maintained. But a0) that would assume the relationship was positive and b) that would have to be appropriate and I'm finding it hard to imagine a situation where sending your child off to stay with someone who has no legal obligations or rights over her in another country when neither the child nor the parent want that to happen would be considered "in the best interests of the child".

When there is a choice, you should always decide not to be a dick.

I wouldn't bin the letter. It would be going in a file named Operation Fightback with a record of his abusive nature, examples of how he treated DD, proof of no financial support etc. He has shit all chance of winning a case like this but he wants to rattle your cage and put you off persuing his pension and so on. Write it out in bullet points - you do not have to send it but it will make things clear in your mind.

Is he likely to physically show up at your door? He has no access rights, no PR. Do not facilitate facetime at his command. He is not the boss of you.

Fill your DD's life with new positive stuff and she'll get past this upheaval. As will you! The divorce might get nasty but once it's over look to a better future without him.

@kultish I'd like to suggest something to you. Practice saying no. The next time he requests something stupid via text , just reply with no. Can he speak to dd? No. You don't need to give reasons.

I know that he's in your head and you're afraid , this is what bullies do. But I want you to try standing up to him using this one word and see what the consequences are. He will throw his toys out of his pram , he will dictate a ridiculous letter through his solicitor , but let him. He'll get bored very quickly.

He's not your boss , he's just a man with control issues that you don't have to listen to.

This. For a UK Family Court he would first need Parental Responsibility which, not being Bio or Adoptive Parent he won't get.

Oh, and please don't link any contact and financial issues; the Courts will not consider them together.

Yes but in this case OP allowed this man to effectively be dad to her daughter for 3/4 of her life. OP's daughter does not remember life before he came into it and it's pretty obvious from OP's posts that her daughter still wishes to have contact.
OP describes him being cross with her etc, quotes thinks like him snapping at her about back talk. That's not abuse - plenty of loving parents have spoken firmly to their upper primary aged child about not back chatting them!!

Its possible that OP is letting her own feelings about him impact how she views the relationship he had with her daughter and it may be that actually he cared about her a lot. Telling a child off doesn't mean you don't care about them.

He won't take you to court. The advice he'd received from most family lawyers is that he has no chance in hell in getting access to your child. She's 11 y.o. and there are no other siblings shared between you to give him a small chance of succeeding.

He's playing with you and your fear of him. Don't play his game, it's what he wants you to do like most abusers.

Please contact the solicitors you saw before and ask for a payment plan regarding the divorce settlement. You need professional advice to get what's entitled to you

I think the most important thing to remember here is your daughter is YOUR daughter. He has no parental responsibility, end of. You need to get your head around this, go to CAB, women’s aid or similar and get constructive advice.

Good god this is like the beginning of a true crime podcast.

Block him everywhere, do not allow him anywhere near your DD. instruct a solicitor but your ex will be laughed out of court.

Stop with the what-ifs and the but-but-buts. He's just trying to control you. This is where you step up and protect your child.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid.

You left this pig because of his abusive treatment of your daughter.

Spell that out to Women's aid.

Ask for advice and support.

He has zero rights to a child that is not his and that he emotionally abused.

Exactly! Ge is doing this to make you back down on the Financial. Don't fall for it, he has no chance of winning!

This is absolutely true. Ex H attempted to get PR for DS after the gap in contact and the judge said there was no precedent and he absolutely would not be granting it. How he was even allowed to bring it to court beats me.

No, do not pay a solicitor to write anything at all. That gives the impression that you actually that there is some weight to his ridiculous requests. Ignore him, he’s an idiot and I doubt it would make it to court if he even tried. Ignore him

Lots of people have given you good advice about your DD, OP, so try to reassure yourself he doesn't have the power on that one.

I'd be a bit concerned about the joint savings though. If you are in need of money, surely you should be able to access some of that. And more worryingly, unless the account is actually frozen, what's to stop him taking the lot? It seems like the kind of thing an abusive man would do (you can hardly trust his word on an agreement), especially if it makes it harder for you to get legal back up to deal with him. Worth getting a second legal opinion (or even just posting in the legal board here)?

Good luck.

Posters are right to say that just because a solicitor has written a letter, it doesn’t mean that there is any legal basis to it.

If I were you, I’d have a quick google of something like “parental rights of step-parents.” If you look at some of the articles that are on the websites of family law firms, there’s some really good free information that explains everything. If there was never any formal agreement which gave him parental responsibility, and if he didn’t adopt your DD, he’s just talking nonsense and you shouldn’t give him any more headspace.

Don’t confuse your situation with one in which parents of a child are getting divorced. He really does not have the same rights as the legal father would have in a divorce. He’s been bullying you for so long I suspect it’s hard not to doubt yourself. Hold your ground and be confident in yourself.

OP you need to realise that his abusive behaviour towards you is not in the past. It's ongoing and this letter is part and parcel of it. Abusive men use the legal system to continue to abuse their victims at arms length.

The fact that you sound so scared that he might get contact despite the fact that he is not her biological father, has no parental responsibility and has not adopted her tells me that he's succeeding in his true aim - to frighten the hell out of you. He has no chance in the courts. But you need someone to act as a buffer for you - you're currently existing in a state of terror which is not good for you or your daughter. Do you have anyone who can read the communications from his side first, or can you just put them to one side and read them when you feel prepared?

She's 11-12, right? Disregarding his lack of legal rights over her, she gets to decide whether to have any contact. If she doesn't want to the court is very unlikely to award it - not that it'll get that far.

@kultish He has no rights to talk to YOUR child. Nil. He has absolutely zero chance of winning any rights whatsoever over your child. Listen to what people are saying. He is using whatever power he holds over you to continue to control you. Just block him. He has no rights. You don’t have to speak to him anymore. Throw the letters in the bin. There is no custody battle here. He was an abusive man who you need to protect your daughter from, not facilitate a relationship with.

This. Over and over again.

He is not her father, legally he has no rights at all. Given what you have said it is not in her best interest to have contact

get legal advice - why haven’t you taken half the joint savings? Why would that make it difficult

I wouldn’t say zero (maybe very low) if he tells the court he was her father in every other respect for 8 years (not saying he was, but he could tell the court he was, and with a good solicitor……

I used to work in a law firm. I lot of what we did was family law. I find it very weird you received an email and not an official letter.

We were required to send correspondence by mail and in certain circumstances have the party being served sign for the letter.

There’s nothing to stop you from ignoring the email. Is the lawyer even in your country?? Just ignore it. He can officially serve you with the Court documents if he wants to follow up. I doubt he will.

He has no relationship with your daughter. He used to bully your daughter and the reason you broke up was in part due to his behaviour. You couldn’t even trust him to take care of her for one week while you were together as he was not a safe person to have responsibility for your child.

No, he won’t get PR for OP’s DD but you don’t need PR to be able to apply for a CAO (or ask the court for permission to be allowed apply for a CAO).

He may have no legal right to contact with her DD but her DD has the legal right to a relationship with him, if she wants one.

Step parents, grandparents and other family members who don’t have PR are allowed to apply to the court for CAOs to protect the rights of the child, although they may need to seek permission to apply from the court first.

He won’t get a CAO if OP’s DD doesn’t want contact. He won’t get a CAO if OP’s DD does want contact but there is evidence that it is not in her best interests. He could get a CAO if OP’s DD wants contact and it is in her best interests.

How on earth could it even get to court? He has absolutely zero right to access

There you go - you’ve answered your own question. He doesn’t want access - he’s got them to throw this in to knock you sideways and get you focused on your priority (your daughter’s wellbeing) in the hope that you offer a compromise - ie whatever he is proposing financially in return for him dropping pursuit of court ordered contact. Except you’re not as stupid as he clearly thinks you are - you’ve done the right thing, asked on here and been told he has no chance of this contact. So there is no threat to your daughter’s wellbeing and no need for you to compromise in terms of pushing for what you’re entitled to.

So you put this veiled threat out of your head, and you read ONLY the financial stuff, speak to your solicitor and fight for what you are entitled to.

He is trying to play games, don’t engage.