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Original poster

Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

234 replies

kultish · 16/05/2025 11:40

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Shadesofscarlett · 16/05/2025 12:03

and you never mediate with a man who is abusive too.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/05/2025 12:03

He has absolutely no rights whatsoever.

He is neither her biological parent nor her legal guardian.

If you were married and only separated at the end of last year, does that mean your divorce is still ongoing?

If you were already divorced my advice would be simply to ignore all contact from him. In the unlikely event that you ever got a court summons from him, you could simply turn up at court and explain that he has no biological relationship to your daughter, never adopted her or took on parental responsibility for her and does not financially support her so you don't understand what legal rights he believes he has in relation to her. You're her mother, you're her legal guardian, you don't want to facilitate weekly calls with her and you most certainly won't be sending her to stay with him, and he has to accept that.

If your divorce is still ongoing and you are represented by a solicitor I would simply mention that he has sent you an abusive letter demanding access to your daughter and leave it at that.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/05/2025 12:04

kultish · 16/05/2025 11:44

If he wins this in court would they not also order him to pay child support? I'm so confused. He has not offered us any help financially and yet he wants the access, bio parents dont get this.

He won't win.

HopscotchBanana · 16/05/2025 12:05

kultish · 16/05/2025 11:44

If he wins this in court would they not also order him to pay child support? I'm so confused. He has not offered us any help financially and yet he wants the access, bio parents dont get this.

Are you not listening?

He's got as much right to tell you he's seeing your child as I have.

There's no "if he wins this." He doesn't have a case. Literally no case.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/05/2025 12:07

Child support and access rights are totally and utterly separate.

He has no rights to see her. Just ignore him.

Bradley28 · 16/05/2025 12:08

He doesn’t have PR, so no automatic right to contact. I’d just ignore the solicitors letter x

rainbowruthie · 16/05/2025 12:08

kultish · 16/05/2025 11:44

If he wins this in court would they not also order him to pay child support? I'm so confused. He has not offered us any help financially and yet he wants the access, bio parents dont get this.

Honestly don't engage with the prat and please don't even think about seeking or accepting any offers of financial support

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/05/2025 12:10

@kultish tell him good luck with that. block his number, he has no need to call you anyway. get your divorce underway.

Sweetnamemarc · 16/05/2025 12:11

You have to play smart, it won't favor him. He isn't the Bio

Gettingbysomehow · 16/05/2025 12:11

He has zero rights. Ignore the letter completely. My exH loved to play games like this. He is trying to control you.
He'd run a mile if you sent a solicitor's letter back requesting child support. What a tosser.

Maddy70 · 16/05/2025 12:13

He has no rights

Snorlaxo · 16/05/2025 12:13

I know that a letter from a solicitor can be scary but it’s fine to ignore. (I assume you’re in the UK btw)

You can pay a solicitor to say whatever you want in a letter. It’s not legally binding or have to be legally accurate. For example there’s a woman on here who got a solicitors letter from her ex saying that he wanted her to ditch her married surname so that his new wife would be the one with the surname. She kept her surname because she wanted the same name as her kids and had built a professional reputation based on her surname.

Sweetnamemarc · 16/05/2025 12:15

Good idea, but I stand strongly on not requesting a child support. I might be wrong too

tinyspiny · 16/05/2025 12:15

I would say he has zero chance of this happening , he is not and never has been her legal parent unless he actually adopted her legally . As for taking her out of the country does he think you are mad ! Definitely don’t say anything about child support as that implies you think he is responsible for her in some way and would actually give him rights

Original poster
kultish · 16/05/2025 12:17

I'm sorry if I sound so naive but this is just incredibly overwhelming. The divorce is bad enough because he has so much cash to pay lawyers and he is also pressuring me first through emotional blackmail then through the threat of mediation followed by court, that I should not seek any of his pension or really get an equal settlement. When we met we were almost earning the same and since then his earnings have over tripled and mine have now quartered as I moved away from my job to benefit his. He has built up his 6 figure pension since we got together and mine has just stagnated, I haven't been able to pay in anything for 2 years. I am going to put all this on Form E but I know I really need a lawyer. I'm just scared of the cost, I had to put almost all my savings into upfront rent for a place for me and dd as I didnt have a recent rental history. blah blah blah woe is me, I know, but getting this letter this morning threw me hard. I feel like a shell of my once-self since the split, its made me realise how much that relationship cost me. I cant bear the thought of him pouring poison into dd's ear about me. And the fact he is so much richer, he would no doubt try and buy her affection, she hates our small place that we've rented and the fact I dont have much spare cash (although I have just been offered a job finally... small victories_) I think he wants to play 'Disney dad' for a new partner, if I had to guess. I dont know why else he has done this.

OP posts:
Reugny · 16/05/2025 12:18

dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to.

Put his letter in the bin and ignore him.

Your DD is old enough to ask to speak to him and remain in contact with him without your involvement. The fact she isn't interested is all you need to be concerned with.

There are some step-fathers who end up parenting their step-children however if the child is secondary school age they remain in contact with them by themselves and they don't run off abroad.

Richiewoo · 16/05/2025 12:19

He has no legal rights. Ignore his letters and block his number.

Original poster
kultish · 16/05/2025 12:19

thanks everyone. My God, I needed this support today. The letter came alongside another threat of court re financials and I just feel so low today, staring down a utilities bill I will struggle to pay. Meanwhile he is flexing off somewhere abroad, paying solicitors to write these letters. It is a truly shit situation and if he had just treated us right, all this would never have happened.

OP posts:
Shadesofscarlett · 16/05/2025 12:20

you have told your solicitor he is abusive?

category12 · 16/05/2025 12:20

Don't give him any kind of contact or access as it will support his case and give precedent.

Let him take you to court.

TwistedWonder · 16/05/2025 12:20

Gettingbysomehow · 16/05/2025 12:11

He has zero rights. Ignore the letter completely. My exH loved to play games like this. He is trying to control you.
He'd run a mile if you sent a solicitor's letter back requesting child support. What a tosser.

Agree with this. His level tights are precisely zero.

He doesn’t want leg access, he wants to control and frighten you because it’s a big old power trip game to the twat

Ignore and block

Mauvehoodie · 16/05/2025 12:22

He won't get a court to agree to this. Apart from anything else it sounds like your DD must be 11 or so? (apologies if you've mentioned her age and I've missed it). Her wants would be taken into account by a court even if he WAS her father. The fact that he isn't AND given the circumstances you've outlined gives him a pretty much zero chance of court awarded contact.

It sounds like another bullying tactic of his, if he can bog you down with this additional worry then you will be more likely to agree to his proposed unfair settlement to see the back of him and/or he can use up your money on solicitors fees more quickly.

CheeseyOnionPie · 16/05/2025 12:24

No chance. Ignore.

KnickerFolder · 16/05/2025 12:24

How old is your DD now? 11/12? It’s her choice.

She has a legal right to a continued relationship with her step father, if she wants one.

He has a legal right to ask the court for leave to apply for a child arrangements order. It may well be granted as the court will want to be sure that you are acting in your DD’s best interests eg you aren’t preventing her from her having a relationship with her stepfather without any good reason, if she wants to see how. Ultimately, it will be her choice at 11/12, the court won’t force her to have contact if she doesn’t want contact with him.

It’s a similar legal situation to grandparents. The grandparents don’t have a legal right to have contact with DGC but the DGC have a legal right to have a relationship with their grandparents if they want to and it is in their best interests.

MissMoneyFairy · 16/05/2025 12:25

Ignore him, he's a bully, he has no rights at all, he's not even her father so how does he think he has access rights, idiot. Ignore him, block, don't respond, don't ever discuss finances with him. Let him take you to court, apply for legal aid if you need to, speak to citizens advice for moral support.