Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

if I block him, how is he going to take that regards contact with dd? He will take me to court saying I am blocking contact, evidently. As she doesnt have a phone. So I dont know what to do.

I think it’s just a way to further abuse you and to try and use it as a tool to bully you into accept less £.

Bless you OP. There's some good advice on here and some completely wrong advice from posters with zero understanding of the law. And some of that wrong advice is destabilising you.

At the end of the day, he is not her bio father and he doesn't have PR. He's vengeful and trying to do everything he can to undermine you.

Take a deep breath, consider contacting one of the solicitors you previously spoke to and asking if they'd take payment from any settlement. And report your opening post to MNHQ and ask if your thread can be moved to legal matters where you're more likely to get calm and informed advice

And remember, just as you're intimidated by this man after years of abuse, that's all your DD knows. It will take some time for her to unpick and see that his treatment of her was abusive. It's a hard thing to do - Women's Aid will have advice for how you can support a child through those experiences.

Good luck

He has no legal rights to see her. He's not on her birth certificate or her legal guardian.

Can you afford to get a solicitor to right a letter back telling them there is no basis and to stop. Like others have said you can pay a solicitor to write the sort of letter he had sent - you can also state in your solicitor letter that any further contact will be via them and not you. If you have household insurance it might cover it. This isn’t you being drawn into a legal battle btw - this is you saying f-off.

You can absolutely block him. He is not a parent so there is no parental alienation going on. He can take you to court to try and arrange contact with your DD if it's that important to him or he can communicate through his lawyer.

this!! he has ZERO rights to see her or even speak to her again!

protect her, hes doing this to abuse you, hurt you and her.

also i would speak to another solicitor and get advice from that joint account, if this turns nasty you will never see that 50k again!

Try not to panic. Wait before deciding what to do in response to the solicitor. As others have pointed out, a solicitor can write anything demanded by the person who's paying him. Doesn't mean it's lawful or in your DD's interests.

Take time, get this thread moved to legal and take advice before responding in any way.

you dont need a solicitor, chat gpt will right it for you

"[Your Law Firm's Name]
[Your Address]
[City, Postcode]
[Tel: 01234 567890]
[Email: [email protected]]
[Date]
Private & Confidential
[Recipient’s Name]
[Recipient’s Address]
Dear [Recipient’s Name],
Re: [Child’s Name] – Parental Responsibility and Proposed Contact
We act on behalf of our client, the mother of [Child’s Full Name], born [DOB]. We are instructed to respond to your recent communications regarding your wish to establish contact with the child.
Please be advised that you do not currently hold parental responsibility for [Child’s Name]. As such, you do not have the legal authority to make decisions regarding her welfare or to insist upon contact arrangements.
Furthermore, having taken detailed instructions from our client, it is her firm position that any proposed contact between you and [Child’s Name] would not be in her best interests at this time. Our client’s primary concern, in accordance with the law, is the welfare of her daughter.
Should you wish to pursue this matter further, you would first be required to make an application to the Family Court for permission (leave) to apply for a child arrangements order. It will then be for the Court to determine whether such an application may proceed, and if so, the Court’s paramount consideration will be the welfare of [Child’s Name], in accordance with section 1 of the Children Act 1989.
We trust the above clarifies our client’s position.
Yours sincerely,
[Your Name]
[Your Title]
[Law Firm’s Name]"

You really really need a solicitor.

Can you see if you can find one who will accept payment out of the divorce settlement?

You shouldn't be in a position where you can't afford legal representation when half of all the marital assets belong to you.

Well that clearly isn't reasonable but as for some contact I think you need to be guided by your daughter. My husband had a stepson who he wasn't allowed to see after the divorce. Years later this handsome young man came to our door and asked to see my husband. It was his stepson 20 years later. Turns out he was about to become a father and it made him want to know why his stepfather disappeared.

My husband isn't an unkind man and didnt say your mother wouldn't allow it, which was the truth. He told him that he had discussed it with his ex and they had agreed it was for the best, he had contact with his father, had a new stepfather and it could have been confusing and complicated. Assured him he remembered their time together fondly and he was special to him. He wished him well, they had a hug and said goodbye. If he'd wanted to tell him the truth it could have caused upset and maybe you ex would happily cause upset in the same situation.

Ah that explains the Solicitors letter. He's trying to frightening you into not claiming anything from him. Don't worry. You have all of the rights, he has none.
My ex husband paid for court cases every 5 minutes and I just stopped even turning up. He didn't get anywhere.
Just take deep breaths and allow the divorce processes to go ahead. It doesn't matter how much money he has the divorce judge will award you what you are due don't back down.
My son was also my exes son but as he was 11 the court asked him what he wanted. He said no contact, and no contact was granted.
You are in an even better position. She is not his daughter so he has no rights at all.
I know you are scared, I've been there. You got to the point where you can't see the wood for the trees.
It's quite simple. He cannot see your daughter and the court will award you what you are due. Everything else is just chest beating you can ignore.
Trust me judges are not stupid. They see right through this nonsense.

I wouldn’t even bother replying.

When did he last see her?a solicitors letter is not legally binding, any solicitor will write a letter, it's not proof of anything.
I think you have to remember why you left him, why would you allow access in this situation??? He's not even the father.

If you have access to this then I would just take half the money now and tell your husband that you need it to pay your legal fees.

Have you checked that he hasn't taken the money out himself?

If you can't afford a solicitor go to Citizen's Advice. Or try Womens Aid as he was abusive.
He is trying to frighten you as he doesn't want to give financial support.
He was a twat while you were married and he's still a twat now.

So what? He's not her parent.

Who advised you bit to touch the money in the joint account? Surely you take half and use some of it to pay a solicitor. After you've blocked him!

@kultish I went through almost exactly this with my ex.

It was an abusive relationship and I ended up living in a refuge with DS. He was four at the time. Ex had always promised that if I left he would take DS from me. Within days of me moving into the refuge he applied for custody. Despite us being in a refuge, despite DS not being his biological child, despite there being a history of DV, the court allowed access (although thankfully not custody). The reasons the judge gave were that we were married and DS had had his life disrupted enough already by me moving into a refuge and leaving the family home. I had to leave DS with ex every weekend for two years until ex got bored - he left DS with babysitters every Friday and Saturday night to go out anyway but denied this when I mentioned it in court. DS was in a state every time I dropped him off and hated being there but the courts took no notice - I was just regarded as a bitter ex wife.

As I say he got bored eventually and just didn't answer the door when I went to drop DS off one Friday. We heard nothing for almost two years when he popped up again and took me to court saying I'd stopped access. Another expensive and pointless round of court and cafcass followed but by this time DS was old enough to speak for himself and he made his feelings clear. Ex didn't even bother turning up for the final hearing after cafcass recommended no contact and the judge was appalled that it had been allowed to go on for so long.

It was the most stressful awful time of my life - I thought I was free after we went into the refuge but he was as good as his word and did all he could to take DS away from me.

As I understand it things have changed since then (this was about 15 years ago) and my solicitor tells me a similar case wouldn't even make it past the first court hearing now, if it got that far in the first place. Courts are now much more aware of abuse and make no mistake, that's what this is.

I wish you all the best OP and if you want to chat DM me 💐

This really. It doesn't sound like he has any intention or desire to be a parent to her. He sounds awful.

The thing is if she wants weekly calls with him, then OK.

@kultish please don't allow him access of any kind, even if she wants it. You must ptotect your daughter from this abusive and manipulative man. if he is allowed access however limited, he will abuse her and you further, and he will work to alienate her from you and drive a wedge between you and her. Do not allow him any access whatsoever. This would be catastrophic.

This is the problem with step families. He was good enough for you to have in your dds life for three quarters of it, yet you decide she can no longer see him because you've split up. It shouldn't need a solicitor, they should still have contact.

This is not always the case. Step parents can be abusive, too.

This. Don't reply. Ignore him. He's a posturing idiot who is trying to exert control and fear. He has zero rights.

Read the OP. The child is not interested, there is no benefit in forcing her to see him.