Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

This would not go to court. A family member had this exact scenario recently they had no rights to a child they had raised and had to walk away.

I think there’s zero chance of him having his wishes granted. I’d be inclined to reply to the solicitor, stating you are very aware of your daughter and your rights and he could have used the money spent on this to actually do something beneficial for your daughter. Really don’t give it your energy, you are well rid

I'd feel inclined to write back to the solicitor saying something along the lines of "You ought to be damned well ashamed of yourself. Are you really going to try and make me spend money and time on this thing that you know damned well is unwinnable? Are you that desperate for money that you agreed to foist this nonsense on a single parent? Refer to the reply given in Arkell vs Pressdram, and tell your client to do the same."

speak to a family lawyer to help you with the divorce. Most will accept being paid from the proceeds. I think it is likely to be worth it as they will ensure you get a fair settlement. For example fair would be equalising your pension, not getting a small chunk. Get a lawyer with teeth!

She's 11 ?- I though once they got to 11 even with bio parents courts take want they want usually into account.

https://www.carterbells.co.uk/services/family-law/family-law-guides/rights-step-parent-divorce/

https://www.tozers.co.uk/insights/what-rights-do-step-parents-have-after-separation

https://www.newtons.co.uk/news/do-step-parents-have-any-legal-rights/

It's looks unlikely he'd get what he wants - though not impossible from links if he has money to go down court route -and that could easily go now where for him - I would have thought him being aboard and with no access post seperation would also count against him.

Given you have no joint dc he won't even be given permission to apply imo.. A solicitor will write anything they are paid to.
For example I had a stern demand to remove my new blinds because exh was now unable to see into my new home.
No judge ordered I do so. So the blinds stayed.
He did however take me to court for access to my dc.. Because those dc had lived with our joint dc for a number of years. Took 4 years to get rid of him but his hatred for me was so apparent a judge said not only would it not benefit the dc but would actually be damaging. So let him rant op. He won't even get a hearing.
Block him and don't even reply to his letter.... At 11 your dd's wishes would be heard anyway even if it got to court... But no way would he be expected to pay you cms...

My guess is that he's doing this to overwhelm you. The more shit he throws at you to deal with the more likely you are to get tired and agree to a less favourable split. My ex was the same. I doubt he actually thinks he has a leg to stand on re your daughter but he knows that the thought of him having her is going to affect you more than the financials so he's hoping you won't have the energy to fight all the fires and let the ball drop somewhere along the way.

Please just ignore this email, it's too ridiculous to even warrant any headspace.

He could potentially make a case to the court - but the bar is set very high for anyone who does not have parental responsibility.

For a grandparent to be given access against the wishes of the parent for example, they have to show that they were the main carer for a number of years and that severing the relationship would be damaging to the child’s well being. Even then they have to apply for permission to go to court and there is no guarantee they get it. Your ex’s case is much weaker than this, so the likelihood of him succeeded is remote. And there is not a snowball’s chance in hell he would get three weeks holiday abroad with her.

That said your daughter is, I assume, now a teenager. Her wishes should be taken into account. I think my response would be to discuss the issue with her and say that if she wants to call him you would not stand in her way. I would then make sure a relative or friend was with her during the calls. Do not sit in on them yourself.

Do not rush into replying to the solicitor. You can leave it a good four weeks or so. If you do decide to reply be non committal:

I refer to your letter dated x. I will discuss this with my solicitor and respond in due course.

This gives you another two months breathing space.

A solicitor's letter is just that, a letter, it has no power. A solicitor has quite happily charged your ex for something they know means nothing. Ignore it completely, don't engage with him at all. He's doing this to upset you, he must know there's no way a court would grant him any rights over your child.

In my experience, do not reply. The best advice I had when divorcing my abusive ex-H is to ignore anything that you do not have to respond to legally. He is deliberately creating noise to intimidate you and both he and his solicitor know that he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

File it away and focus on the divorce and make sure you get your own legal advice. All your and his assets (including pensions) will be considered matrimonial assets and 50% is usually the starting point. Don't let him bully you into not getting a fair share in the split.

There is absolutely no chance at all it would win. I'll eat my hat if it even gets to court.

This is the thing, about it being in her best interests. yes he has been in her life for a very long time, but for much of that he was quite abusive towards me and this was still the case last year shortly before we split; getting angry at her when she cried about something at school, snapping at her vitriolically for 'back talk' etc. He has been shouting at her since she was 3, and sulking and shouting at me for the same amount of time because I disagreed with it. And yet if I ever gently broach the topic with dd she says she doesnt remember us arguing, and she was very upset when we split. He was always the type to pick her up and drop her as he could be bothered, he would be Disney dad for one day then ignore her as a rule, spend loads of money on her but not ever bother with homework or even when I had to take her to A&E he moaned I was overreacting and it was taking too long (she had a severe infection as it turned out.) I feel like im completely alone in this. Maybe the court would say I am 'blocking access' without good reason but I dont know where this stops. If he gets a court order then what does that mean? Do I need his permission for us to move, etc? I never expected to be in this situation. it does feel like a power and control trip. I am glad he is now communicating via a lawyer as his comms used to make me feel sick with nerves. To the outside world he seems like this lovely friendly guy but he has such a dark side. He knows how much this will be upsetting me. It sounds like no big deal to just agree to what he asks but I dont want him to have a hold over me and dd. It's hard enough trying to start over with her after my relationship with him decimated my finances and my mental health.

The letter is another attempt a pressuring you not to claim part of his pension and any of his other assets he has in the UK.

He's also probably been told that as he paid towards your DD upkeep due to her living with you both, you have a larger claim on his assets.

As he's f'ed off abroad, doesn't communicate with your DD, doesn't see your DD and she's not interested then there clearly isn't an ongoing parent/child relationship between them. So how is it in her best interests for them to suddenly have contact?

If he was actually interested in maintaining a relationship then he would already have one with her. You haven't prevented her calling him have you? No.

So ignore him.

have you told your lawyer about his abuse? Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Also why are you not showing your divorce lawyer this letter from him?

Exactly how is he going to get a court order?

Maybe the court would say I am 'blocking access' without good reason but I dont know where this stops. If he gets a court order then what does that mean? Do I need his permission for us to move, etc?

For him to get a court order it needs to be in the best interests of the child.

At no point in your posts have you stated you prevented them communicating with one another. So why is a court order needed now?

One of my friends' went through similar with her son who was 12 and his actual father. She simply showed she hadn't blocked contact so he didn't get a court order.

This good advice. Best of luck.

I think this behaviour is abusive. He's doing it to intimidate you around the divorce settlement. Also, I know you're struggling to afford it, but you really do need a lawyer, if there's any way you can manage it. They will save you the stress of this kind of manoeuvre by him, and also give you a much better chance of getting a fair settlement.

You could try calling the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000247. Legal aid is possible for survivors of domestic abuse and they will help you to work out if his behaviour meets that threshhold. Also, you could talk to the tech and economic abuse team at Refuge (mention them to the helpline) if he's financially abused you.

Do you have a lawyer OP? Don’t get pushed into any nonsense by his bullying ways.

I think you need specialist legal advice (you may qualify for legal aid). It is unlikely he will get his way as he didn't adopt your DD or gain PR. It is just another way to cause upset.
It is probably sensible to rebutt his demands with a solicitor's letter so that gets put to bed.
Then get on with sorting the divorce - go for everything you're entitled to......

I do wish you had posted in legal matters rather than relationships.

You would get a different set of answers (as per one of the answers above). There are indeed situations where step parents who have been in the life of the child for a while are indeed granted contact with their step child. As mentioned at her age her wishes would be taken into account but it is simply not the case like many are asserting that there is no chance.

If this has appeared alongside a letter trying to force you to agree a financial settlement I do however very much suspect he has sent this as a way to bully you into agreeing that.

What would DD want to do?

think he wants to play 'Disney dad' for a new partner, if I had to guess. I dont know why else he has done this

He doesn't, he's wanting to upset and distract you. He's not interested in the bairn. Chuck the letter in the bin or in a cupboard somewhere and focus on the task at hand.

He won't get a court order, OP. In some exceptional cases, like a step parent wanting access with his own biological children to keep siblings' relationship normal when there is a divorce, it may, just may, be possible. In your case, it won't happen.

I know you are panicking at the moment, but take a deep breath. He has no chance of getting access to your child. He's bullying you and wants to keep you afraid of him.

You 100% need to get a lawyer to help you with the divorce.
This is the one opportunity you will have to ensure a correct allocation of finances and secure money for your and your child's future.
It isn't optional. Please find a way.

At 12 she has a say
Ignore and the longer it takes for him to take it to court the better asshe will be older

The thing is if she wants weekly calls with him, then OK. I doubt his intentions as I have observed their relationship for years and he has hardly been the most kind and involved 'parent', plus last time they spoke on her birthday he ended the call after 10 minutes... If she wants to do it then fine. But agreeing to her going to stay with him? I just dont think I can do that. He has mentioned his family also having access to her and I have some serious issues with some of his family members. It feels like my parental rights to ensure her wellbeing are being eroded here. I dont want her stuck somewhere abroad without me, around someone who I dont think cherishes the time he has with her. I dont want her around certain of his family members. He is also very angry and vicious towards me when you scratch the surface and I dont want him trying to damage her trust in me, I am her mother. If he was her bio dad then I guess I would have to face this but I chose not to have children with him because this is what he is like. And now this. I also have my own medium term plans for life, including a possible job abroad myself near some of my own family, and I dont want anyone interfering with that as that is truly what is in dd's best interests. Surely what is in dd's best interests is that we are financially stable, that I am mentally doing well, and that we have a stable home and future. Not to pacify this vicious man child who no doubt is doing this to prove a point.