Please help- exh wants access to my dd, he is not her legal parent and I'm upset

[kultish]

Posting for traffic and hopefully some past experiences. My husband and I separated at the end of last year - our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage) was pretty rocky, and a lot of our arguments revolved around the way he treated my dd who he first met when she was 3. He has always been shouty, strict and also childish with her - bickering like he's her age, but then being overly disciplinarian at other times, which has led to huge rows between us as I felt he didn't let me parent her as I would have liked. This drove a rift between us, I stopped loving him really as I also felt his selfishness and lack of empathy applied to other areas and he was just not a very nice person to live with. We separated temporarily a few times but then permanently. Anyway, dd has been ambivalent about contact with him, even though she has never known her bio dad she has a conflicting feeling about ex-h and the other thing is that he has now moved abroad. So apart from a call on her birthday, they haven't spoken and she hasn't asked to. She does love him but she genuinely doesnt remember how bad things were for most of the relationship as she was too young. It was like, when I went away for work for a week 2 years ago, I had to get my mum to come look after dd because I felt like exH would just be mean with her, or ignore her - he would just let her watch tv for hours while he gamed. It wasn't the father figure I wanted modelled for her. I should have left long ago.

I have just received a strongly worded letter from my ex-h's solicitor saying that he wants to have weekly calls with her and have her for 3 weeks every year, 'either in the UK or (country where he now lives)'. The letter is not offering any kind of financial support towards her. He never adopted her or took on legal parental responsibility, so that doesnt surprise me and I haven't asked for it. However they are basically saying they will take this to court if I don't start facilitating these zoom calls and visits, with the first step being mediation.

I have zero idea of ex-h's current living situation, relationship status, anything. I cant imagine agreeing to send dd off with him when things are so frayed between us and he is acting like he has the legal right here.

The past year (and tbh previous years) have been traumatic. I am so upset to get this formal email today, in the midst of trying to pull things together financially for me and dd and start over again. I have also just had a huge health scare which landed me in hospital for 3 days. And now this.

Please help me. Is this normal for step parents to do this? What do I do? Im worried about affording a lawyer myself but he earns 6 figures and so the disparity between ys is so big. I dont want my dd to be brought into this, she has been through enough.

Ignore it. I find it creepy that he would want unsupervised overnight access with a preteen girl he isn't related to and would be questioning his intentions.

He is doing this to punish you. It is obvious from the way he treated your daughter when you were married that he didn't love or care for her. This move is purely to make your life a misery. I would certainly try and find the money from somewhere (loan, credit card, borrow from family) to consult a solicitor and get proper legal advice.

Maybe he wants to use this as a bargaining chip to stop you claiming some of his pension. He is obviously cruel with no scruples and he knows that him trying to get access to your daughter is your worst nightmare.

Op you need a lawyer. You need to speak to Women's Aid and then hopefully you will get legal aid for a lawer. Please stop spiralling and contact WA for advise ASAP

I would be very concerned about this man wanting to spend time alone with a young girl who is not his daughter.

Can you signal abuse still ? Could you get a free half hour, to see if his harassment is illegal ?
Was the letter sent as a registered letter ? if not ignore, there will be no proof of relieving the letter.
If it was registered I would probably still ignore, or, say "See you in court".

Can you ask her if she would realistically like to fly unaccompanied to another country to be spoilt & ignored in rotation ?
She is nearly 12, I understand from12 y/o she can be heard by the judge.

Op you absolutely can move away. Far away would be ideal.. He has absolutely no say on where or how you raise YOUR dd... He has no legal rights to her whatsoever.. Do his family see her without you there? Be careful they don't allow him to see her at their homes if so..

You really need a lawyer to manage this divorce. Many family lawyers will defer payment until after the settlement, but right now there is no equality of arms. If this goes to court you will be flustered and stressed. Getting a lawyer may seem like a huge expense, but it is actually likely far more expensive in your case not to get the right divorce settlement.

Re contact, the court will look at your dd's best interests. I doubt that will be 3 weeks away from you every summer, but it might be an occasional phone call or day out as he has been the only father she has know . Your ex may lose interest once the finances are sorted or he moves on to a different relationship. Again though, you are better off having a solicitor who can deal with this correspondence rather than having it land like a bomb in your life impacting on your thoughts and peace.

That poor kid. No bio father in the picture and subjected to a creepy stepfather for most of her short life. She’ll need lots of therapy.

I think I do need a lawyer now. I had 20 min free advice from 2 family lawyers near me but both wanted a chunk of payment upfront nearly 2k, and I just dont have it right this moment. I would be happy to pay from my settlement, I know the money is there. We have a joint savings account that we agreed not to touch til the financial settlement time, but there is around 100k in there, and last time I had some free advice they advised me not to take half out right now as it could make things difficult to resolve the divorce.
What a mess.

You need a solicitor for the divorce

this is clearly a tactic to scare you off getting any division of money from the relationship so you can cheerfully ignore anything related to the child

block him, only go through solicitors for the divorce, refuse any mediation

This.

Or see if local firm can offer a payment plan.

But he could take the money out of your savings? And spend it

its going to be harder because he’s abroad.

It sounds to me as though he is trying to scare you to make you back off about the financials. While you can absolutely ignore the letter about child access you really need a solicitor to handle your divorce and financial settlement. It will cost money but you could lose out on a lot more by trying to handle it yourself.
Your solicitor can then put your mind at ease about this letter about access to your child and send an appropriate response back.
By not having legal representation you're letting him bully you through his. Don't let him play this game.

@TheHerboriste how is that helpful? If you want to know, dd's bio father who I dated for over a year left me when I was pregnant, through no fault of mine. He came back in contact for the first time when she was 3 and then ghosted me again. It is unfortunate about her stepfather but perhaps you have never had the misfortune to be in a controlling and abusive relationship with someone who gradually chips away at your financial and mental stability, including moving me away from my job and support network, interspersed with love bombing. Lucky you. I have been in therapy for a while, dd actually is on the waitlist for CAMHS which is all I can manage. Still, she is doing very well in school and she is a happy, friendly kid who loves animals and her little cousins and her friends. Thanks for your completely insensitive comment.

Agree.

There’s absolutely no reason to waste money or time on this. He knows he has no chance, but is just hoping you’ll be intimidated by it.

You would be better off posting on the legal board where there are some excellent family lawyers who post.

As I said in my PP, it is your DD who has the legal rights to contact with him, he doesn’t have a legal right to contact with her. It will be your DD’s decision as to what she wants but, if she wants to maintain contact, the court would also take into account any safeguarding issues you or abduction concerns you have to decide if there is a reason why it would not be in your DD’s best interests to continue a relationship with her stepfather.

Personally, I wouldn’t be too worried. You haven’t stopped him from calling your DD, have you or told him he can’t? Yet, he has only called once. It may well be that this is just a bullying technique.

This is well meaning but very naive. Of course the solicitor is writing the letter to intimidate. His job is to get the best financial settlement for his client.
By throwing in spurious claims like this he is hoping the OP will claim less in marital asset split in order to avoid custody battles.
writing a shame on you’ letter is likely to have the solicitor feeling like he’s making headway

@kultish Op - report the abuse to women's aid - see a lawyer - get legal aid. Please read and listen to this. Call WA now. You are writing and writing paragraphs and ignoring all of the helpful advice everyone has given you. He is abusing you - he is using fear to control. You need to take charge of your life and lawyer up and stand up for yourself.

Ok, so your daughter is 11 now? Her views matter.

You could allow occasional zoom calls which will tail off when she gets older and bored. That could be decent closure for her as well. Unless he is unreliable with them.

He has zero legal right, and you can veto her staying with him. The question is whether some zoom calls will be in her interests and if she wants them, as he was in her life for a long time? If he did go to court CAFCASS would seek her views.

What he has done in the past is text me with an hours notice saying 'I will be calling to speak with dd at this time", without agreeing it with me or asking if that works. He has done this a few times with long gap in-between. Because he is quite abusive in his communications with me regarding the divorce, from emotional blackmail to cruel nastiness, I dont want him calling my phone anyway but I have not (yet) blocked him although I have actually been advised to do this in the past. Dd does not have a phone of her own, she has an apple watch but she cannot receive calls from abroad on it, and she will not be getting a phone in the foreseeable due to her age. I actually dont see why I have to facilitate this on my phone, while I am in earshot, when he is so vile towards me, and the one time they did speak, he rang off after 10 mins because he called her at work. But if she asked me, I wouldn't say no. I just dont care what he wants, anymore.

He is not her Father and i’d fight that to the very end (it doesn’t sound from other posters that you would need to fight it anyway). Absolutely no chance I would let her have contact with a man who is not her Father and who you were concerned about her welfare from his strict parenting.

Sorry I can’t read all the posts but do you have texts/emails etc about your concerns with your daughter?

Im sorry, I am not ignoring responses, I am just trying to vent and work this out as I dont want to be upset when I pick up dd from school. I know what I need to do, I am just panicking since seeing that email pop up. I know I have been stupid not engaging a lawyer, if money was no object of course I would have, and I haven't felt able to discuss the relationship with anyone except my therapist which all ends in tears usually, its still raw for me. It feels like ive been in a war zone for years and its almost worst now I am out of it, I drive around or lie in bed crying about how everything has turned out. I am keeping it together for my dd, and we are doing ok, but the divorce process including this is overwhelming. I will call WA in a bit. I didnt know it was an option in my situation. The abuse is largely historic and I dont think it'll make any difference in my divorce. I just wish I wasn't a changed person.

change your number and block him. why are you engaging with him? historic or not it is abuse.

To be fair I assumed all that was settled - the OP's first post didn't mention anything about an ongoing divorce case.

Honestly how upset would she be if she never had anything to do with him again?
Honestly?

I'd just block him.