Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

[Broken2025]

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

OP did say he claimed to feel guilt but wondered about the veracity of that claim. I think that's because unfortunately it's guilt without remorse coupling it.

Pasting the following from AI:

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Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or blame for doing something wrong, while remorse is a deep regret for a past wrong, often with a focus on the harm caused to others. Guilt is directed towards oneself, while remorse is more about the impact on others.

Guilt and remorse are distinct emotions often associated with regret for actions, but they differ in focus and intensity. Guilt is a feeling of personal responsibility for wrongdoing, often leading to a desire to rectify the situation. Remorse, on the other hand, is a deeper, more profound sorrow for the harm caused to others, often accompanied by a sincere desire for forgiveness and amends.

Focus: Guilt is primarily on the self and the feeling of having done something wrong. It focuses on the person's own wrong action, while remorse focuses on the harm caused to others.

Intensity: Guilt can range from mild self-criticism to intense self-condemnation. Remorse is often considered a deeper and more profound feeling than guilt.

Action: Guilt often leads to a desire to make amends, but the primary motivation may be to alleviate the internal feeling of guilt. Guilt can lead to a desire to rectify the situation or avoid future mistakes, while remorse can motivate actions to make amends and address the harm caused.

Remorse specifically...

Focus:
Primarily on the person harmed and the sorrow for the impact of the action.

Intensity:
A deeper, more profound feeling of sadness and regret, often accompanied by a sincere desire to make amends.

Action:
Driven by a desire to alleviate the harm caused to others, not just to ease personal discomfort.

Relationship to others:
Guilt can be experienced in isolation, while remorse often involves empathy and concern for the victim or those affected.

In essence, while both guilt and remorse involve feelings of wrongdoing, remorse is a more profound expression of sorrow for the impact on others, while guilt is more focused on personal responsibility and the desire to avoid further consequences.

////

So not just compartmentalisation but guilt can actually compound the situation. Being about the self while lacking empathy for others it can increase the motivation to leave, in order to escape the uncomfortable feelings of being around the person/people they're in the process of shitting on.

@Glockenspock- that’s an excellent post and has put some pieces into place in my own situation.

Thank you. I'm glad it's useful to you.

@superplumbI responded to you (above) but forgot to tag you. Sorry.

Don’t dwell on past time. Get yourself the best lawyer you can and make sure you are clear about your finances.

@Broken2025
Hi OP. I just wondered how you are getting on? My DH left me for his AP at the end of July. I felt I was doing better but the Christmas period has left me feeling really low and I feel