Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

[Broken2025]

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

OP please stop messaging him/ contacting him etc. If you need to only do it about practical matters eg kids finances etc. Don't give him the satisfaction of you fawning over him, he doesn't need repeatedly telling how much you love him/miss him etc. He knows already but doesn't care.
Put your big girl pants on now and show the kids they have a strong, capable Mum who is going to hold what's left of your family together.
Do something that will make him sit up and think 🤔
If you can afford it book a holiday away for a week just you and kids, make some new memories,distance will take away your urge to contact him repeatedly.
You need to put the kids first, which I am sure you have always done but it's not fair on them to see you upset and not coping.
It is hard, he is a twat, but it will get easier. You are not alone there are many of us on MN to give you support ❤️

Lots of good advice and support here for you. I’ve also been there, husband cheated with a work colleague of ours after 27 years married, children on both sides. I’m coming out the other side of it all now and agree that minimising all contact with him is a good thing to do.

I set up a new email address just for him so his emails didn’t get mixed in with my normal emails and it helped to have them separate. I could then check them when I wanted to rather than stumble across ones from him when I was looking for emails about parcel deliveries or whatever. Try and be business like with communication and stick to email as it is slightly slower than WhatsApp and you can be more measured with what you say.

Please get some professional support, it’s such a hard thing to go through and having that help is vital.

I have spent too much time wondering about all sorts of things to do with what happened and it doesn’t get you anywhere really. So focus on you and your children and try to avoid the ‘what if’s’ as you may never get answers.

Look after yourself x

I am in the same boat as you

Briefly @Broken2025 I can tell you about a very similar story. A fellow engineer, a colleague, that I knew quite well - married, 2 kids, affable guy, often spoke about how much he loved, respected and admired his wife and the love for his kids and what they had as a family - do anything for anyone type of guy, coached kids football teams in his own time - about as far from a womaniser as you could get - just a very easy going guy, content with his lot in life. He was the engineer responsible for a particular section on the shop floor where all the manufacturing took place so had to work closely with the shop floor supervisor, a very hard working woman, not particularly warm or well liked but respected for her hard work, insight, intellect and professionalism but being in charge of people and progress on the shop floor, having to make sure the work got done and got done correctly, was a stressful job - she knew how to put the pressure on people - those working for her on the shop floor and those upstairs in the engineering department. Now part of her story was that she worked every hour she could - overtime and weekends as she had 2 kids and her husband had unceremoniously dumped her for another woman. Everyone was shocked when my engineer colleague announced that he was leaving his wife to shack up with the shop floor supervisor. He said he never expected anything like this to happen and said that no one would understand until it happened to them - it's like he was surrounded by a cloud a twinkling stars he was so "in love"... it lasted 2 weeks. His wife took him back - he says it broke his heart the upset he had caused to his kids and wife - I distinctly remember him mentioning the kids ahead of his wife. Now I happen to have been on a course away for a couple of nights and found myself alone in the hotel bar with the woman from the shop floor - she even said to me something to the effect - you better get off because you know what people will say... so this is how I ended up having a conversation with her about everything. She said she never intended for anyone to get hurt - she simply said - I've been having a tough time for a few years, I'm working all the time to make ends meet, got no social life, lonely, no time to date, stressed with looking after 2 kids and working more than full time... and my engineer friend, was just such a kind, easy going guy - he just wanted to help her... and I know he is that sort of guy. She wasn't surprised, bitter or angry that he'd gone back to his wife, she totally understood how much he loved them and missed them. They continued to work together after the company had given them both a good talking to about professionalism. So... it was interesting hearing that side of the story. IMHO I think my engineering colleague was naive and unaccustomed to knowing how to get that balance right between being friendly and maintaining boundaries and understanding and appreciating that sometimes other people, in certain situations, might be more vulnerable and susceptible than they might seem to present. He quickly reverted back to speaking highly of his wife and being grateful that she had taken him back. He never had a bad word to say about the woman from the shop floor either, always says she was misunderstood by a lot of people, and never shied away from saying he had been an idiot and that it should never have happened. I don't know how recounting this night help - it might not - it's just the shocking abruptness of the change I saw in him that your story reminded me of. He had also been in a very long relationship with his wife. I think(guess) there will be a lot that happens in the next couple of weeks - at this stage I guess he might believe that this is an irreversible decision in his life - I'd guess that it's not going to be anything like as simple and straightforward as he thinks. I'd stop trying to reach out to him - ATM all logic and reason will be out of the window. Sorry you are on the receiving end of this - it must be terrible - just focus on yourself and the kids.

He is not a good father. A good father puts his children first. He is not a good husband. A good husband tries to communicate with his wife and resolves issues and does not run off with another woman. You do not need someone like this in your life. See a solicitor and file for divorce and make sure he is paying cms and his share of everything. Stop communicating with him at all as your DC are old enough to decide not to see him and have everything go through your solicitor. If contact must be made for DC have it be through a third party.

Stop giving him any headspace and messaging him your thoughts and emotions. Whatever he has to say now is not important. He has shown you who he is. Don't be deceived thinking there will be some great revelation to explain his betrayal. He is a selfish man and that is all you need to know. It is hard, but he does not deserve your sorrow and he is reveling in his guilt as you keep feeding it. He wants you to be distraught as it shows he has power over you.

He is living in a fantasy and and it will come crashing down. Let him hit rock bottom and realize you are not his friend anymore and he is not yours. Right now he has you where he wants you as a safe fallback when his new affair goes wrong. Please do not take him back when he grovels to you which he will do. Remember, he did not keep you and your DC safe. Your DC need you to show them that you don't let your partners treat you like trash. He betrayed you and your family. That is not forgivable.

OP you deserve better, you really and truly do. I caught my father having an affair and I lost all respect for him. It had nothing to do with what anyone else said. It was his own actions. Your DC have the right to feel as they do. He is the one who brought on their distaste for him, not you. He made his bed, let him lie in the filth he made.

My DHs affair is not going well...however he remains adamant he doesn't want to be here either. I've been quite shocked at his lack of apology or remorse, he's very stony and acting like he's made the best decision for everyone. It's bewildering and hurtful but I'm not demeaning myself by trying to chase after him

Affair relationships are rarely successful. Imagine trying to be ‘in love’ knowing your children won’t speak to you and your friends and family think you are an awful person.

Even if the people around him don’t outright tell him he’s a bad person, no one is going to be saying, well done for leaving your wife and kids.

All relationships move on from the honeymoon period. Even more so when you are going through the stress of a divorce. And once the honeymoon period is over he will see that everything he has built for his life up to this point is gone. It’s been replaced with a relationship with the OW. Imagine the pressure on that relationship, it’s almost impossible for that one relationship to be worth the destruction of his life as he knew it.

Everyone thinks less of him, his children are heartbroken and no longer respect him, he will be poorer and the relationship he built with you is broken.

You might not be able to accept it’s over. And sometimes couples come back from this if he ‘sees the light’. But begging him will never make him choose you.

Going cold and starting divorce will send him into reality mode quicker than thinking he can come back whenever he wants. If that’s not enough to shock him in to reconsidering, nothing will. Even if he reluctantly came back because you are so distraught, it will only end in disaster with your self esteem on the floor.

As hard as it is you need to go into survival mode. Find your anger and fight for what you want your life to look like without him. Get a therapist to talk your feelings through. Focus on your children. Accept his decision. So sorry you are going through this. The shock and grief is like a death. But you will be ok.

He can’t handle the enormity of his mistake so easier to lie to himself. Best revenge is being happy without him. Then you can tell him, he was right. Everyone was better off with him gone.

Hope he stays miserable with OW and you flourish in the knowledge you are not a liar and a cheat, and everyone respects you.

Been there, done that and I know you don’t want to hear this now, but it does get better.

Make sure you’re eating, if you lose your appetite please buy buildup drinks. I went down to 5st when my dh left me for ow. 10 years down the line and it does still hurt I won’t lie, and he did try to come back numerous times but I refused.

I ask him why, he said it was that she pursued him and he felt flattered so it didn’t take much. She wasn’t much to look at, and wasn’t even a nice person and he knew straight away that he had made a huge mistake.

Non of this your fault OP

This. At the moment you’re acting as his safety net for his decision to leave; he knows he can come back if it doesn’t work out, no harm done. Take that safety net away and he has to stick with his choice, if becomes reality - he might not realise this immediately but when it gets difficult for him he won’t have you to fall back on.

OP I was in your position around 10 years ago (2 DC 5 & 9). At the time I couldn't see a way through it. I'd recommend initially getting through the grief, which is best done through talking, crying, venting etc. Until the sadness, shock and finally anger start to subsides you won't find it easy to move on.
Get financial advice right now and do not be persuaded by him to accept less than you are due. He will be wrapped up in a new world, you need to get everything you can for the foundation of your new world. My exH left me but became bitter as though he had to blame me. When he saw I was continuing my life he became even more bitter. In the end he hated me more than he loved our DCs. I've been with a new partner for 7 years and I can see how controlling and selfish my ex was now, but at the time I thought he was being loving and supportive.
TLDR: This man is not the caring person you thought he was. You need to grieve to move on.

You need to accept that he is a completely different person now. His treatment of you is utterly heartless and he has obviously re-written history about your relationship.

You need to find your anger, harden your heart and start thinking of the practicalities. You need to contact a solicitor for advice about divorcing him, how to manage your finances, child maintenace and how you will share custody of your children. He is behaving like a selfish lovestruck teenager but he needs to come back down to earth.

Is he still contributing to the household finances, i.e. mortgage, bills etc?

You say that you all work for the same company. Do you have any dealings with this woman in your role? You may need to speak to HR about how you manage your working relationships with your ex-husband and the OW.

@StartingAgainFGS it’s a sunk costs fallacy. Having gone this far with his colossal fuck up of his life he has to make it work or he looks like exactly what he is: another idiotic cheating twat who trashed his life. He has to make it ‘right’ to justify what he did to you.
If it isn’t ‘right’, and it was a giant mistake to do this, he’s betrayed you, become public enemy number one and dropped his standards through the floor for nothing and has to face who he is. Doubt it’s fun having to look at the enormity of what he has done and what a weak, selfish, ginormous arsehole he’s being.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you so much, this has really helped me
It's massively hurtful seeing him being so resolute! But i know you are right

I'm in the same boat. My ex of 27 years xlcheated on me with a woman only a few years younger who is a carer for a job, ( not joking) also has an older child and younger ones. Eldest would babysit the younger ones while they had hotel sex ( money ised from the joint account) ! I don't get how a woman can do this to another mother either knowing how much it will hurt children but sadly there are women out there still- sisterhood doesn't exist

Now my advice to you as I'm now 4 months into the shit show.
Get legal advice
Do not leave the family home
Whatever he agrees to get him to sign a draft consent order even if its too early to submit, get it hand
Look into financial.. what can you afford?
Go onto the gingerbread single parents site and check what benefits you're entitled to
Get council tax single person discount

You dont need to push the dovorce button yet if you're not ready ( i filed the day after I caught my ex but he'd lied and done all sorts before I caught him) but get thie money stuff organised. I really worried about this until I got it sorted out.

It hurts like nothing else. Have a look at some of my posts in here..

Get onto fb if you're not already. Look at chump nation ( leave a cheater gain a life) there is a book, site, and on reddit. It's a bit American but I have often woke at 3am and written a post and as they're awake over there they reply.

Also surviving infidelity is another good group ok fb and reddit.

Sadly you're not alone. I had no idea my ex would ever do this to me. Together since we were 18. Never thoihjt he'd hurt me and the kids like this but here we are. Xx

Out of interest how long until he asked to come back?

How are you doing @Broken2025?

I'm so sorry you're going through this hell. Your comment about Sertraline caught my attention & I've just had a look at the first few pages of 1 star reviews on drugs.com for commonalities. How this particular drug hits really depends on an individual's chemistry, it's definitely not a one size fits all. Ditto the negative side effects.

Most of the bad reviews are from those whose anxiety actually worsened - clearly it's not affecting him that way.

Common mentions in the other camp (where anxiety was abated but other side-effects were intolerable) chime with the situation you're describing. These are loss of libido & emotional numbing. Some mentions of suddenly not caring about people who mattered immensely prior to taking the drug. A few specifically mentioned not being attracted to their partner after taking the drug - and one went on to mention that her attraction returned to normal (i.e. resumed) after she quit the drug. Mood swings, anger, impulsiveness also got mentioned.

Unfortunately even though you can see the changes in him from taking it, it seems he's in denial about it all & wants to continue. Would he have wrecked his marriage without it? My guess fwiw is probably not. This situation is absolutely tragic.

But if he's determined to continue on the drug & on the path he's chosen what will stop him? Do any family or friends notice the changes in him? If so perhaps they could try to help him see what he's doing before he throws it all away. Sometimes people will listen when several people who know them well are singing from the same hymn sheet.

If his libido was normal prior to starting this drug but has since waned (or even if not - some couples don't have sex much if at all but their love for each other is no less), couple that with emotional numbing; complete loss of caring for those that truly matter; loss of attraction to partner - & if he genuinely can't see the ways in which the drug has changed him, then he's likely incorrectly thinking all those issues are a you problem.

Finally if his libido has waned (very common on SSRI's - & can be permanent, even after quitting) & he genuinely hasn't been sexual with the OW, they'll be in for a shock when the problem persists. The other issues from side effects will of course remain too as they never were a you problem & I wouldn't anticipate that the dewy eyed phase will carry him for too long through that, given the nature of those side effects.

Im so sorry for you Op. Please get yourself some emotional support - reach out to friends and family, get counselling for yourself, consider something like sertraline for you etc etc. Try not to lean on children - they tend to resent it later on. Come on mn and vent much as you need!

Then try get some financial advice. You need to know where you stand legally and financially. He sounds so cold and heartless I’d imagine he’s already been stashing money and sorting finances for a long while.

Ok deep breath Op. I really think he is spinning you a huge lie! He has been with ow much longer than he said and certainly been consummating it. He will have been planning this for some time. I really think him going on sertraline was nothing to do with rats but much more likely that he was struggling with his double life and all the lying! He got more cocky as he then started to feel better about his plans. If this ow has been in your industry he might have known her for years! How long has she been at company? Could he have met her at conferences before that? The narrative of love at first sight is just a story he thinks sounds likely to get the dust to settle much quicker. If he turned around and said, so I’ve been shagging about for years and decided to leave my long suffering poor wife and been hiding money for months in preparation how much do you think he’d be literally cut dead by even his family!? So he lies. Like he has been for months. And yes he’ll be painting you as crazy, awful, no wonder he left etc etc. He’ll be fully on the script - the cold, selfish path of how do I get people to feel sorry for me in this situation I have totally orchestrated and am being the villain in. I know I’ll spin a load of lies about how awful the previous wife was and how I was swept away by love at first sight like some hapless victim of circumstance who’d been starved of love for years previous… Ha yeah right!

Please stop trying to reconnect with him. He isn’t the man you thought he was. You do need to find your anger. I am so sorry you are going through this. Big hug!

OP you are so articulate, you’re obviously a clever woman. He’s an idiot to set off this bomb in your families life.

you’re in shock, it will fade. Surround yourself with good people who will see you through this. Focus on the kids and sorting the house out.

see a solicitor about the house, he signed a contract with the bank so he can’t just leave it to you. He needs to financially support the kids on top of the mortgage.

is work supportive?

has he done anything like this before?

Back in the 70’s my dad did similar after 20 years with my mum. He met a local woman, was totally obsessed with her, she had children too. He just couldn’t function normally after that. Mum and Dad tried for a while to stay together but they eventually moved in together, totally threw the lives of 7 children down the drain! I can see now that mum and dad weren’t happy but just jogged along together. His love and obsession for the other woman was overwhelming and they eventually married and lived together until they died of old age. It’s affected all us for sure, but equally I can see that if mum and dad had stayed together it would have been false. Sadly this does happen. The only advice I can give is to be there for your children, in our case we were disregarded and never consulted about any decision. I still can’t listen to certain songs that were around in those days, traumatic memories

Lots of love OP, my heart breaks for you and your DC.

When you find your anger, I always think the best revenge is to live well.

Get the practicalities in place, get legal advice. Hopefully you have friends and family to support you. He’ll see that.

He’ll see you being strong, he’ll see you managing the extension, he’ll see you in a tight unit with the kids and how much they love you, he’ll see you choosing to minimise contact because you know it’s better for your wellbeing - he’ll see you reject him.

It will be so deflating for him, and I would think massively take the shine off his new relationship. I also think you’ll feel better when you can get some control back.

Good luck with everything and MN is here for you to vent to.

My cheating ex started on seetraline too. Started it in sep by end of nov and dec was having an affair. I've read similar stories about it having an affect but I don't believe it blocks conscience. I think it just makes it easier for them to compartmentalise

Your anger should be directed at him only. You have no idea what he’s told her, if anything.

This is what I think.

Or was he pursuing it before and trying to cover up?

If it was really a spur of the moment life at first sight thing, he can’t know it’s anything solid.
ETA and I also thought midlife crisis