Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

[Broken2025]

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

He's had his head turned by a pretty young woman most likely and is in the midst of limerance. There's little chance that this is true love but whether it is or isn't he's a fucking fool and an arsehole to do this to you. I know you want to hold on to hope but don't hope for him to come back, he's wrecked it all.

She is the same age as him with 2 children similar age to mine. How do women do this to other women and children. It absolutely infuriates me!

What a fool. I know it won't feel like this yet but you're better off without someone who will treat you that way.

He's a nasty, callous, unfeeling selfish arse. He's using power to control the narrative. He will likely play the victim too (they always do!)

Eventually, this will make you hate him and it will hurt less.

From a practical perspective, I hope you can manage OK. From an emotional point of view you are definitely better off without him. He's shown you who he is.

I'm a single woman by choice and a single parent. Life is much easier in many ways without a man in it.

Sending you a huge hug.

I’ve not got much to add other than I’m sorry he’s done this to you, what a horrible arsehole!
just here to offer you a virtual hug xxx

What an awful time this is for you

It's so difficult atm and of course this new relationship of his may not work out

He may then decide that he wants to come back to his family

Unfortunately, should that happen, you will never be able to trust him again.

Which will mean a very difficult future

But the future as you see it now (with him having left you) looks very difficult too

I'd suggest taking one day at a time and perhaps , if you can, seeing a solicitor so that you know where you stand financially

If you all work for the same company, that must make things really challenging for you

I'm so so sorry that you're going through this 💔

Is he actually with the other woman? Before getting angry with her (not unjust if she’s actually reciprocated knowing he was married), I’d wonder if this is a fantasy in his head and the ‘other woman’ has no actual clue that a marriage has blown up for his midlife crisis. In the meantime, stop chasing him. Whatever has happened, he’ll never be honest with you. His very selfish ‘me me me, my feelings’ train of thought doesn’t allow for anyone elses feelings. If he’s willing to do this over merely taking to some random woman then he’s done you a favour (though it absolutely doesn’t seem like it right now). You’re worth more than an embarrassing coward who throws away what has been half his life for a giggling chat with another woman.

It doesn’t matter whether his new relationship will work out or not (I think we can probably guess which though). He has made his bed and must now be left to lie in it. As hard as it is find your anger for as long as you need to detach from him, then find your indifference. Prioritise what you and your kids want and need.

How horrible for you to go through this. I would be wary of him playing with your feelings going forward. The fact that he’s said you are soul mates but the love isn’t there anymore for him is ringing alarm bells. If things don’t work out and he wants to come back to you he will likely use some lines like this to hook you back in. Stay strong as you can’t trust him.

Yes he is pursuing a relationship with her and has taken annual leave to spend days with her. She is fully aware he had a wife and 2 children.

we went through so much in 23 years I just don’t understand how people can just walk away like it never even happened. I had wrote him letter everything and he’s done nothing.

i find it really hard to accept because it all seems so irrational from the person I knew.

It's such a shock, I know. It's been a year for me since my ex blew everything up after 29 years. But I am ok, and you will be. One foot in front of the other. Talk to friends, get some therapy if you can and look after yourself. Honestly, he doesn't matter any more. He has made his choice, you prioritise yourself and your children now. YOU WILL BE OK!

Either he's lying or he's an absolute lunatic! No one in a happy relationship has their head turned, falls out of love with lifetime partner and in love with someone new all on the day they first meet. And then leaves you on a whim (if you believe he hasn't acted upon his feelings for this ow). It's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Could he be having some kind of mental breakdown?

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. I can't begin to imagine how you felt and are feeling.

Just know this-- you did everything with your heart and with the best intentions for you and your family. HE betrayed that trust. Let him go and never see him again, not more than you have to because you share kids. Don't keep kids away from him either. Let them see for themselves what a scumbag he is to do this to their family. Kids are sooo smart. They already realize it. You need to be the good guy here always in their eyes.

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK AT ANY COST.

God this is hard to read, I'm so sorry 😞
Please don't play the pick me dance, let him get on with it, I know this is hard to do but please don't chase him.
He's made his decision, you now need to find strength for you and your children. You can do it!!
Find a solicitor and get good advice. I know you're hoping he's going through a crisis and wilo come back to you, but that may not happen. And if it did, how could you ever trust him again?
Look after yourself, he sounds a selfish ass.

so this has been mentioned. He is on sertraline following a bit of a breakdown in November. We had rats in our property and it really triggered him. Since he has been on them I’d said he’d changed and become a little cocky/arrogant in certain situations. He didn’t agree. When we met since it happened I mentioned it again and he’s adamant it’s had nothing to do with it and while the tablets have maybe made him more confident they have not played a part in it.

I just feel like I have so much to say to him and by him calling the shots on contact etc it’s making me 100 x worse. 23 years, I’ve been with him my whole adult life.

I have tried to accept some responsibility for my part in allowing to have his head turned as I’m not overly affectionate but he won’t even listen to that, he just said the feeling was so strong and they are going to see out the rest of their days together 🤢💔 it absolutely breaks my heart

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work.

I know you don't think it now OP but your question above is completely irrelevant. Whether it works out or not, he's acted the way he has and you will never be able to trust him or live without worrying he's going to do it to you again.

He is on sertraline following a bit of a breakdown in November. We had rats in our property and it really triggered him.

He's on anti-depressants because you had rats in your house?!?! What?!

You're in shock and confused. I'm so sorry this is happening right now. It's the pits.

One thing I'm certain of, and this is difficult to accept,is that he is lying to you on some level. Whether it be how long, what they have done, what he has told her. And you are in a bubble of confusion because your instincts will be going off and your mind and his words are not matching up with the construct of him you have mentally. He has most likely lied to the other woman. And people will convince themselves of anything if they need to. She is not the problem. He is.

You are focused on the other woman and hoping for him to come to his senses. This isn't what you really need. You think you want it. This guy is not good for you any longer. He never will be. He lies and deceives and you will never come back from knowing instinctively that he can and he is doing this.

You can only go day by day now. Get through each day. Don't forget who the number one is here! Not your kids,they'll be just fine. Not him,he's making sure he's just fine isn't he. It's you. You must look after you. I would very carefully find strength to start looking at the financials here and how you can manage without him. I'd be thinking about that, as much as you don't want to.

There is so so much joy in being single by choice. You can't even imagine that in the place you are in right now. I would have thought that too. Now, I'd never go back. I feel absolute gratitude that I don't have a partner now. It is bliss. It all takes time. Time will heal as cheesy as that sounds.

yes it was due to rats in our loft. He really struggled with it. He’s never been great at dealing with his emotions but this was a real low for him. That said I supported him and made sure he was ok even though it was really tough. I feel like I have just been kicked to the curb.

I am concerned he’s not ok, but while he’s on these tablets there is nothing I can do at all.

Can you reread this and see how wrong it is.

Your part in allowing him to have his head turned??!! What?! OP, no. Stop. You are not to blame. This has just come about because it was meant to. This was supposed to happen. It was probably always going to happen.

It has nothing to do with the sertraline. That would have given him a bit of oomph to do what he probably wanted for a long time.

You are incredibly vulnerable to all sorts of bullshit right now by the way you're talking. He will spin you any shit to come out of this with what he needs. I am so sorry that this is reality. It is incredibly destabilising after so long to be confronted with someone being not what we have always known them to be.

I recommend you immediately find a female therapist and get meeting her regularly to help you through this.

Only time will heal you and it will. I’m afraid there are no shortcuts 💐

This happened to my friend (they had known each other for a long long time too from a very young age).

It was close to breaking her, but now she is thriving and she would never ever have him back. He on the other hand would jump at the chance.

You will be ok, just keep going one foot at a time.

It’s too soon for you to understand the experiences of people who have been through it really, as you are in acute shock, disbelief, hope, hurt, angry, confused, feeling blame, recrimination , and just so sad.

But it IS his loss.

It’s an unbelievably tough time adjusting, but all the cliches are true. You’ll be strong for your kids, you are more resilient than you realise and you WILL get through this.

MN is an invaluable source of support, as are family and friends who will listen, and help you and the children have some distracting and hopeful times.

After the immediate shock phase, you’ll need to get legal advice, gradually build in self care, long baths, chocolate in bed, seeing girlfriends, and slowly but surely you’ll start to feel positive about a joyful family life with your children. You need to detach from him. I used to chant to myself “ detach, detach”. Eventually you’ll feel able to rearrange your bedroom and get new bedding to symbolise your new start.

One day you’ll be in an exciting new phase, new partner etc but it’s too soon for all of that for you yet really.

its tricky where there are children involved but I almost think it would be better if we could just accept it instantly and see into the future. If you do look at those of us who’ve been through it? Most are in a better place. Me - excellent relationship with both my kids, ok financially, with a lovely new kind partner How is my ex? He’s joyless, never sees our children, finds his girlfriend’s children irritating, and guess what ..she “isn’t the same” as when they first fell in love, he moans the dynamic is different now. Quelle surprise! But he made his bed!

This is devastating to read, I’m so sorry @Broken2025
However, he also sounds nuts. Do not put yourself in the position of being in hock and at the beck and call of a madman. That way madness lies for everyone involved.

You need to find ways to regain some control and power in this situation. You have no control over him or his mad behaviour. You can only manage yourself and your own life. And that is what you need to rebuild going forward.

You need to pull away from him, expect nothing of him - he won’t have answers, he’s given you all of the answers he has because his behaviour isn’t rationale. Believe him when he says he’s prepared to throw his whole life away for someone he doesn’t know. You literally need to know nothing more than that.

Get really practical about finances, childcare, maintenance etc. set yourself up for a life without him. This will serve you well even if he ever did come crawling back. It’ll keep you busy as well. Do not hold out for him coming back, because even if he did he’s so badly betrayed you rebuilding would be a significantly worse road.

Go grey rock - take back control of your comms, don’t wait for him. Communicate only what’s essential with regards childcare and separation. You are just a regret to him right now and nothing positive will come of chasing him, only more hurt for you. You will not be able to stop his behaviour.
File for divorce if it’s financially beneficial to you.
Claim CMS.
Tell work and get support so they know what’s going on.
Tell all of your family and friends- this is not your shame, it’s his.
While this is all on him, as a colleague and someone in the same situation from an age/children perspective I’d be tempted to tell her what her actions have done to you and your kids. At least to show up how unprofessional the two of them are. But only if you can do this in a dignified way and ultimately, it’s really not about her.

You’re only 40 - you’re so young, you’ve had your kids - the whole world is open to you now. It’s not what you were expecting or planned but you can still go on to have an amazing life. He sounds like he’s all you’ve known and this must be terrifying - but there as so many more people out there and opportunities for you.
Take time to grieve, be very kind to yourself but also put yourself first now.

What an immature d*ck.

Reality will kick in for him but I think you don't really want him back.

Take control.
Dust yourself off.
Focus on you and the kids.
Put boundaries in place.
File for divorce.

OP, something slightly similar happened to me. My husband (MUCH shorter marriage than you) 'fell in love' with a woman on his university course. He became a besotted, dribbling fool and they'd never so much as had a coffee together. He decided it was love. He didn't know her favourite colour, how many brothers and sisters she had, what the most traumatic experience of her life was, what she liked to do in her spare time - but he was in love? How could it be love when he didn't know her?

He left me, she didn't want to know, and, as far as I know, he's still single. He'd always lacked confidence (was on the autism spectrum) and never really got close to a woman until he met me, but he decided he was God's gift subsequently.

You will be all right. I'm single, living in my own house (my kids are adults) with my dog and love it. My life is truly wonderful and so peaceful, but it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened. I'd been so happy, so in love and then - whoosh. But I couldn't stay with a man who decided he had fallen in love with a woman he knew nothing about. That's not love, that's physical infatuation and it doesn't last.