Husband of 14 years together 23 left me and children for affair partner and I am broken

[Broken2025]

Hi everyone,

I am reaching out for some support from people who may have experienced something similar to my situation (that said I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy)

my husband of 14 years (together for 23 years) has left me and my 2 children for his affair partner. This happened on 27th March. I woke up at 6am and he was sat on the side of the bed and said he needed to talk. I don’t know why but I asked if there was someone else and he said yes. My children heard and by 6:25am he was gone! He has gone to stay at his parents.

I am literally broken. He has been cold with me since the day he left and I have seen him once to talk too. It’s like he has this power over me that we will talk when he is ready. Right up until he left I had no idea. It was my 40th birthday at the end of Feb and he planned the most amazing things with the help of my 14 year old daughter.

Apparently he didn’t know he was looking for anyone else but it was love at first sight and he had to act on that. He said he fell out of love with me the day he met her on a works call. We all work for the same company. They had been speaking for 3/4 weeks before he decided to leave and nothing physical had happened apparently. He even said himself it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

i just don’t know how to process this information. The pain is getting worse not better and I just cannot make him see what he has lost. We started an extension 2 weeks before he left, the extension was a dream for us and we worked so hard to get there then he was gone.

my children are struggling and don’t want to see him but he both of their football coaches so it makes it a bit difficult. We did everything in life together as our little family of 4 and had some of the best times. I’m not saying it was always easy but it was worth it!

he has said he feels a lot of guilt and selfishly is putting stuff of because of that guilt but I can’t feel any sympathy for him. This is what he wanted so surely the guilt he’s saying is probably just to pacify me. His children say they don’t know him anymore.

from experience, do these love at first sight relationships work. I need to find some strength in feeling a little happier in myself but right now I just wish the days away.

any advice/comments anything is very much appreciated. I am not getting anything from him right now and not sure I will.

he did also say that we were soul mates but the love has gone. This whole thing blows my mind.

anyway sorry for the essay. Thank you for reading

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My SiL told us last year that she's been having an affair with her boss for the last year (she's married with two children and he's also married with two children of a similar age). My DH struggles to understand why I can't accept that she's knowingly done this to another woman/family so I really understand how you feel.

As devastating as his behaviour has been you are 100% better off long term not being with anyone who could do this to you. X

You will come out stronger. Take good care of yourself.

OP please listen to @GiantSaucepan great advice.

I agree with this.

OP please don't blame yourself for him 'having his head turned' that way madness lies.

From little bits that you've said, I think perhaps he's never been that much of a brilliant 'D'H, but I guess when it's all you've known, it's hard to have that taken away.

Have a good think truthfully about what your marriage has beeb like with him. Have you always had to tread on eggshells for instance?

I'm Autistic so I apologise for my black and white thinking, but if someone wronged me like this I'd just hate him. You need to remove the rose tinted specs perhaps.

You desperately want to talk to him because you think it will change his mind. Why do you want that? Why do you want someone back that you can't trust?

Treat him with the contempt he's treating your with. Keep busy, sort out the practical stuff and let him crack on.

Try and stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. What do you need to get through the day? What support do you need? What do your children need? Start some serious self care.

In your place I would instruct the solicitors to start the divorce proceedings. There is not a chance I would be letting him call any more shots. Delete his number so you are not tempted to call it. I would stop all contact for now until you have your bearings.

Book a holiday in the half term for you and dc. Book counselling for you and dc. Invite your closest friends in and tell them what has happened.

No, he does not get to do this to you or the dc. Find your anger op. You have given him the best years of your life, this is not okay, it will never be okay now.

You are still young, you can start again in time, and who knows you might well be posting in a few years time that this was the best thing that could have happened to you! It won’t feel like that now, and not for a good long while.

You need to find your anger and not let him control communications. You decide when you want to talk about practical stuff- send a message to see if he's OK. If he wants to talk about practical stuff he needs to check your availability first. You can't just be "always there" for him. He lost that when he cheated on you. Yes, cheated. No way nothing had happened before he left you. 99 men of 100 secure they have another woman to go to before leaving a relationship, especially someone as anxious as your exh who freaks out about rats. Find your anger, draw limits. You got this.

I'm really sorry, OP. I went through similar, had been together 22 years and married for 16 of those. He met someone at work and 'fell in love.' Our marriage was just boring and routine apparently, and he saw the years stretching ahead of him. The OW was my age too. I was completely blindsided, thought we'd grow old together and I'd been very content.

You will get through this. It isn't easy and even after 14 years I'm still confused as to why he did this to me. But any love I had for him evaporated pretty quickly and I couldn't ever forgive him. Not that he wanted me to!

He acted completely as if he'd read 'the script.' Dissociated himself from me and the kids and was very cold. Apparently he'd 'been feeling unhappy for some time' but had shown no sign of this until he met the OW. Really just a mid-life crisis.

I don't have to see him anymore now the kids are grown and it's much better. I've made my own life for myself and have a good social life. I wouldn't go as far as to say life is better than it would have been, but I'm not unhappy.

In the short term, be ruthless with your divorce settlement. I'm almost certain he will be as the guilt seems to evaporate pretty quickly.

Oh OP.

This is not on you and you seem to imply it partly is.

Firstly, this is the most major shock. It's only been a short while so right now, you just need to be able to get through the days. For now, just focus on the most important things, that is getting through each day and caring for your DC.

You do not need to make any other difficult decisions now. You don't need to have discussions face to face with him. Stand at the other side at football, just don't engage with him unless it relates to the DC.

I know you feel like you have 1000 things to sort out now, but you don't need to do anything now. Right now you need to process this. Then somewhere down the line, a few weeks, months or whatever or when you feel ready, then you start to tackle harder things.

No one can tell you if that fling will last. But also it's not something you need to focus on right now. He's done you the dirtiest of dirties and you have every right to deal with this how you need to.

I am so sorry. I am out the other side of something not too dissimilar, so I do know how difficult things are right now.

This is what I would do if I were you.

I would take back control of this situation. He currently still has all the control. You are waiting about in shock and disbelief wondering what he is going to choose to do. It’s time to say, “He made his choice the day he left.” Because he did. He chose to leave for some other woman, including leaving his children. That’s unacceptable. No good person abandons their children and destroys their relationship for sex with a new bit of skirt.

Your children are teenagers. They can choose whether or not they want to see their father. I assume they have mobile phones and are directly contactable by him. They have said they do not want to see him. Respect their wishes.

Block him. Get to a lawyer. Find out where things stand financially, start divorce proceedings and get on to cms to make sure he pays for his children too.

It’s over. He nuked it. He’s dead to you. Move on without him. Let your children decide if they want a relationship with him or not. Communicate with him through your lawyer. This is all business now. Tell your friends and family members and let them support you. See about changing jobs so you no longer work with them both. Start all of this today. Now. It’s over. Protect yourself and your children’s future by making sure assets and finances are locked down pronto.

As others have said you need to take back some control.
Speak to friends and family.
Tell the school
Get legal advice
Contact CMS
I know it's hard but you have to do it.

It’s the rejection I struggle with, he wants a relationship with everyone but me. He knows how little self esteem I had and now I literally have nothing. I have sent emotional messages and they just get me no where. Why can’t he see the pain he has caused. The old him would never have done this and I don’t think he would have inflicted this pain on his children.

he keeps saying he hasn’t left them but he absolutely has!!!

it doesn’t matter how angry I get it all comes back to me loving him, loving what we had and grieving what you no longer have!

What a horrible situation. You can tell how happy you were.
But for your own sanity I would stop sending him letter or msg him in anyway.
It's not medication that's made him cheat and leave you. It's him being a horrid person. He saw someone else he wanted and went for it.
Do you really want him back after that? Would you ever trust him again?
My parents got back together after an affair and it was a disaster. My mum couldn't get over it (rightly so) and my dad didn't understand the hurt he had caused. All the trust and love went. And they just ended up being angry and not nice to live with .

From what he’s said he would never want to come back because he is so in love. I just wish he knew how loved he was here and how much we miss him

You need to turn your back on him.

He's not the man you married. You don't need to contact him, he is not there for you. He is only interested in himself. Do you have family you can call? Perhaps somebody who can come and visit you? You're looking for support and he is all you know, you need to lean on somebody else right now.

He's probably having a midlife crisis, at your expense. No I don't believe that a man suddenly deciding to run off with somebody else will lead to a stable long term relationship between the two, though anything is possible. Either way if he does come back you should not want him. Look what he's done and how he's treated you and his children. Fuck him. If she gets bored, isn't as perfect as he imagined from the 3 minutes he knew her before he made the jump, or he simply realises what an enormous prick he's been, you shouldn't be stood waiting with open arms for the slimey tosser. Let him make his bed and lay in it. He will give you every excuse under the sun but they would be just that.

Block him if the children are old enough to arrange their own visits etc with him. You don't owe him any explanation or talking either. Don't lay around limply waiting to see if he changes his mind.

What are your finances like? Do you own the house?

This is awful OP, such a shock for you. You must be reeling. I hope they both at least have the decency to have handed in their notices and get new jobs.

Yes we own the property and increased our mortgage to do our dream extension that I am now dealing with.

He knows and he doesn’t care. All effort to show him and tell him will fall on deaf ears and probably make him more distant and cold as it’ll play into his guilt. The hardest but most important thing you can do now is to stop trying to persuade him, or to wait for him or to beg him. It’ll only serve to keep giving him control, and stop you from moving on.
Speak to a counsellor to help you reframe; this was not your fault, nothing you did or didn’t do would change what he has chosen to do. You don’t have nothing: you have your kids, your youth, a career, family? friends?
You need to be your own best friend and draw on your support network, or focus on building it up - you cannot look to him for anything anymore. He’s no longer your friend.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The early days are the hardest and your emotions will be all over the place. It's a real rollercoaster in itself but feel through it all.

I did what you've done when my ex left, I reached out and constantly poured my heart out but it made no difference to him and if anything pushed him further away. I know it's not much but I found journalling really helped, write everything down that you want to say to him but keep it.

Take each day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Great advice above about focusing on you and what you need now - friends, family, daily support. It's a lot to process and grieve and it takes a long time and hard work. Leave all the big decisions until you feel strong enough and have a clear enough head and be kind to yourself.

This is such great advice. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

He was triggered rats in the loft???

You're better off well rid, op

My DH of 25 years did that to me. I was utterly devastated, I fell to pieces. He’d been a wonderful husband for all of that time but had some serious mental health issues. I went no contact immediately, filed for divorce within a month, and didn’t speak to him for months. He was literally begging me to take him back.

My DH has been living alone for a year and is getting some serious psychiatric help and is in counselling. He has changed his job to a less stressful one. He’s determined to make it up to me. I’m softening but only in the knowledge he’s making some serious changes and his actions are match his words. Only time will tell if I soften enough to allow a chink in my armour.

I took away the power his affair had over me. It really was a pathetic weak man’s action.

Good luck to you, you’re a good woman, never forget that.

Did your DH leave you to pursue another relationship?

everyone has told me that no contact is the best thing to do, but we are financially tied in everything we have, also the children too so I find that hard.

my 12 DS has come down with shingles likely due to all of the stress of the last 7 weeks.

I'm so sorry, this is an awful time for you and the children and you're reeling from the shock. You're looking for reasons why and finding it difficult to understand how he could do this to you and your children.

The truth is he's a selfish man who has persued a relationship with another woman when he was not free. He has shown his true colours to you - believe him. He cares about himself more than anyone else.

Honestly, communicating with him right now is pointless. Stop sending him emotional messages - he doesn't care and you are only hurting yourself with being rejected over and over again. Just stop. Keep telling yourself, this relationship is over and you need to find a way forward for you and the children.

I strongly advise you to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling sorting out the financial split. Your solicitor can contact him, you don't have to speak to him at all. Get support from your friends and family and keep any contact with him factual and practical eg making arrangements to see the children. That's all you have to do for now.

You are going to have a different life from now on, but it doesn't have to be worse, it can be better. You are a strong woman and you will be ok. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to get there 💐

I would be having a chat to her. Make sure she knows whatthey are doing to your family. You don't know what he has told her- probably that it's not been a proper marriage for years, you're living as friends etc etc. I find it hard to believe a woman would just agree to take a wrecking ball to a happy family knowing there were no issues just because the man fancied her ( even if she did feel it too).

This was in March. You are now in May and need to take control whilst you grieve the relationship.

get legal advice. Get finances sorted. Is he still contributing? Do you need maintenance for the children sorting? Get contact established-the children need a ‘new structure’ with him.

stop looking at the antidepressants as a glimmer of hope for change or excuse for his behaviour. This is who he is now and you need to protect yourself and your children financially and emotionally.

keep conversations written and factual. About the children or finances.

divorce - is this a step to start rather than malingering begging for crumbs of hope from him?